Do You Listen to Your Intuition?

Is there a such thing as "Women's Intuition"? I know a lot of men would beg to differ, but I believe that there is. Not only have I had mine reveal things that my conscious mind couldn't handle, but I've also seen other women's in action. Some people like to make fun of intuition. They think it sounds crazy or too much like the ravings of a mad person...until those ravings ring true. Then there is no choice but to believe.

In life, we all have different experiences that shape & mold us. We also share our lives with others, and often find ourselves empathetic to what they may be going through also. We are taught to read what is before our eyes, and anything else is only speculation. If it's intangible, it can not be held against someone right? So even when we get those "feelings", we tend to go against them because there is nothing substantial to base those feelings on.

I can not begin to count the times I've heard women say "I just knew". Out of the examples (and I've seen quite a few) that I've seen, mostly everyone who had a suspicion/feeling was usually right. But although they had such strong feelings, they did not act because there was no proof. I like to think that this is a guilty person's argument. When guilty people are accused of doing something wrong, you often hear them repeat that there is no proof. Many times this is said before they ever proclaim innocence. Guilty parties will try to dismiss intuition and label it paranoia, but secretly be appalled at its accuracy. They may even wonder if the suspicion is based off of some slip-up on their part. The point I am making is that there are times where we will never know the whole truth. We can snoop and be suspicious, and never get an ounce of validation. Intuition is karma's way of warning you that there is something wrong even when there are no other warning signs.

I believe that intuition is given to everyone (not just women) for a reason. There are times where a thought occurs to you and you dismiss it. Then later, you find that your first inclination was not only correct, but spot-on! As this happens more & more, some people are able to hone into this ability and learn to trust it--even lean on it as a survival mechanism. Other people live their whole lives dismissing it. If you are wise, you learn to listen to your gut and it's proven track record. Shoot first & ask questions last. And contrary to what some people may think, nobody wants to believe that they are being lied to or deceived. It hurts to come to these revelations, but thank goodness that we can be enlightened and do not have to be any one's fool.

The idea of this blog post came to me because I was sitting on my bed doubting and second guessing my intuition again. Even after all of the times that it has truly saved me, I can't believe that I still don't want to believe in it. And on the other hand, there is a very strong part of me that wants to believe that there is really good in people and I am just jaded. But as I sit here knowing where my trust lies, I know what I must do. It's very simple: I keep cool. I don't snoop, sneak, spy, or pry because the best thing about intuition is that what lives in darkness will always come to light, and never by my hand. And if I am wrong, and crazy, and paranoid, shame on me. But time has already proven to me that I am right and that it is time for me to high-tale it out of harm's way.

Sex With An Ex

From time to time, we all get lonely. The best laid plans fall through, and as humans we desperately need human touch. So when nothing else is panning out, and we are in dire need, oftentimes, we turn to what is most familiar. All it takes is a stroll down memory lane (that does not include the bickering & fighting) to spark a haphazard reunion. Like an old habit that has been dormant, it never ceases to amaze me how easy it can be to dig up your security blanket and wrap yourself in it when the world has been unkind.

Even though many times there is nothing more to it than just comfort, other times there are hidden agendas that are unearthed. After one of my exes continued to seek "comfort" on a regular basis, I questioned him as to why and how he could want to continue that way. He explained to me that although he enjoyed my company, he did not want to make the effort to have a real relationship. After that revelation, I realized that there is a difference between leaning on someone & using someone. Strangely enough, even though he wanted no commitment, he did various things to indicate that he wanted much more than just a casual relationship. He wanted to be in my life, but did not want to work for his position. He honestly thought that if he could satisfy my itches that needed to be scratched, he would seal his placement.

When I begin to date a new guy, I am always curious to know what their relationship is with their ex. And because I've backslid before, I know what to look for. It's a little tricky because often there is no relationship at all with the ex. And even if they say they can't stand their ex, that means nothing. Don't let that fool you though because, again, all it takes is a few seconds to dial or send a text that can set off a chain of events that lead to the ultimate "oops". Loneliness is like hunger. When that feeling hits you, you may not be able to think straight enough to stick to your guns.

Honestly, there is no way to tell if a person will ever have a slip up. Our exes may hold special places in our hearts. There may be no explanation as to why or how. And if the stars are properly aligned and circumstances permit, you may wake up and find your past laying next to you. Only you can decide if the past is where you want your heart to be. Is a band aid better than an open heart? Things can get really messy, and if you aren't sure about how you feel, you need to get clear before you play with fire. Sex with an ex can be a temporary solution to loneliness, but ultimately end up costing us a lot more than we ever bargained for. Proceed with caution!

Is Kissing Too Intimate?

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? As a girl who does not give away kisses or any of my time & affection freely, I don't understand these people who do such intimate things such as kissing people that they have no emotional connection to. I made the choice not to indulge in casual kissing because I hold it sacred. I look at it as being almost as intimate as having sex. Not just the exchange of body fluids but also the spark you feel when you close your eyes and let go...This is valuable to me. I have gathered that anything that I hold sacred tends to lose it's value the more loosely I disburse it.

In a time where oral sex is not just for married people anymore, I am looked upon as somewhat of a prude for this point of view. But this is just my point--people are doing things that used to be reserved for someone special with just anybody. Nothing is sacred. Doing it all can happen with a total stranger at any time. It's the norm. From teens to senior citizens, there is plenty of emotionless sex to be had in 2009. There are commercials for sexual enhancement drugs and stimulating gels and even condoms on television as if encouraging taking things farther, faster.

I don't let this madness influence my morals. I never thought I would be so thankful to be old school. I am proud to say that I do save quite a bit for my special guy. Otherwise, how would he feel special or different from the "tide me over" guy? Back in the day, I used to ponder over kissing on the first date. And guys certainly didn't expect to have any sort of sex with you (unless you were the neighborhood hood rat)! And back then, a man could go his whole single life without getting a decent blow job. In my day, each level of affection corresponded with a level of intimacy based on the progression of a relationship. And yes, many guys & girls lied about their level of true affection or goals for the relationship just to get laid. But the simple fact that they lied means that even through ill intentions, they knew that sex was a valuable thing.

Personally speaking, I believe we should all respect ourselves enough to draw the line and be firm on the decision to respect our bodies & boundaries. Hell, I can appreciate good sex as much as the next person, but not everybody deserves for you to pull out all of the stops for them. Not even if you want to. There is nothing wrong with being discriminating about who you are blessing with your presence. This includes your body and your mind. If not, just be ready for an endless stream of shallow relationships where you are treated as a sex object performing your perfected chore.

For some reason, I think a lot of women and young girls go all out in an effort to prove themselves to the opposite sex. They are looking for affirmation that they have some worth, even if their worth is being a sex object. I have heard some say that it is better to be wanted for that than nothing at all. Others have said that if they don't do it, he will find someone else to do it, and they don't want to lose them. It makes me sad because if they took a little time by themselves to examine all of the beautiful things about themselves, they probably wouldn't think that being alone is such a bad thing. When you focus on yourself, you find endless opportunities for perfection which spurs most people into the action of fixing & nurturing themselves. A person who is looking inward tends to hold themselves in higher esteem. They tend to strive for perfection. Not always succeeding but always making progress. They are particular about what they do with their bodies and minds. They do things to stimulate the mind, and exercise the body.

I thank my Grandmother for giving me such high self esteem & self image. She taught me early on to value even the things about myself that I hated and to thank God for the things that I liked. I was encouraged to always seek knowledge and not take just any body's word for things. I learned that in my life, my opinion was the only one that counted. So I say all this to make the point that kissing can be too intimate for relationships that aren't going anywhere. But for the ones that are romantic and passionate, I strongly encourage it. Kissing as well as any extension of yourself should be a step toward intimacy. These things should not be expected or taken for granted or given lightly. It is up to the individual to draw that line. If you don't speak up & demand respect for yourself, nobody else will.

Is There a Look of Love?

I maintain that being in love is better for a person's looks than any beauty product out there. If you are in love, or know anyone in love, you can test this theory yourself. I've found that I am more apt to work out and quit bad habits when I am in love. And lets not even go into if the sex is good & how many calories you can burn off & the great stamina you can build up...At any age, being in love can bring out the very best in a person. To feel loved and love someone can put that extra spring in your step and put you at the top of your game.

Let's face it! There is lots of grooming and primping that we can either choose to indulge in or totally ignore. When we are complacent, we don't do as much as when we are "fishing" or "courting". I know that we girls pull out all of the stops with our highest heels, our slinkiest dresses, and our sweetest perfume to entice and lure our men. We keep everything tight and just the way he likes it and because we know we are pulling together a total package. Men may work out more, groom themselves a little more, and even adhere to some sort of style to show off their swag. Like the Peacock, he wants to show his feathers are like no other. And because you are doing this for yourself, it boosts your confidence and the glow is reflected in almost everything you do. If you don't know if you are in love, just look in the mirror. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone, but oftentimes this is a spot on indication of how much effort you are putting into your relationship.

Ironically, being in love is noticeable to the other members of the opposite sex as well (besides your mate). There is an air about a person in love that makes the opposite sex want to be the object & recipient of their affection. Your eyes may follow them all the way down the street and your subconscious may wonder what it is about them. When you think about it, it really makes sense in a primal type of way. Survival of the fittest. We instinctively want people who have good genes, traits that are compatible with ours, but also one who are desired & sought after by others, and favored by the masses. They are also attractive because happy people tend to have a more positive attitude. And a good attitude is infectious.

Being in love can be such great motivation to be at your best. So, in many ways there can be a look of love. Its the smirk of security, and the wink of happiness that you are reminded of when you see someone in love. It can make you want to be like them, or be with them but it is obvious. The glow may not be literal, but the overall presentation seems to be much better and more put together because of raised consciousness & awareness. But even with all of this, the look of love is simply a residual effect. The really beautiful part of love is not the way it looks, but the way it feels when you are in it!

Just Not That Into Who?

There are signs that indicate whether or not a person is interested or not. Of course there are very obvious signs like lack of attention, and evasiveness. But if a person is saying that they are interested with their mouth, why would there be any other indication to the contrary? I would like to be able to take people at face value, but too many people can't be honest with themselves let alone with another person about how they really feel.

I understand that nobody wants to put themselves out there for rejection, but acting in a nonchalant manner can give the impression of not being interested. For this reason, if I like someone, I make an effort not to give conflicting signals. Even if I want to hold back, I try to let myself go so that there is no misconception as to what I want. Contrary to what a lot of articles and books say, it is possible to do this without scaring the other person into thinking you are a stalker.

So what is to be gained by this aloofness? Saving face and playing coy can get you the boot quicker than being honest and available. I've heard many say that you don't want to be the first one in a relationship to admit how you feel, but this sounds so silly and childish to me. If you like someone why play games? Especially if there is a risk that you could lose out. And if you do not like them, why string them along? I can play games with the best of them, but I will never be able to understand how frivolous people can be with their time. If I am not feeling it, I don't waste an extra second in discomfort. And I certainly don't want the other person to believe something is going to happen that surely (in my book), will not.

At the end of the day, we are all responsible for ensuring that the impressions we make will be consistent with our true selves. Even if you do not like the person & no matter how awkward it may be, we should be adult enough to make sure that we are being up front & honest. I've played with taking the cowards way out and just avoiding people, and that never really works out. Of course you don't have to be cruel and mean, but simply admit that something just isn't right for you and politely move on. For those that want to argue or convince you, don't fall into that trap. It's just another way to try to get you to engage them. You did your civic duty by being honest, and there is nothing else required. But giving mixed signals and being wishy- washy (is that a word?) brings bad Karma and will only come back to bite you.

Pulling Away

Ever hear the expression "be careful what you wish for because you just may get it"? I've heard it several times, but never paid it any real thought until now. For a long time, I've been on a journey for my soul mate. I've stood on my faith and upheld my personal standards because I knew I would find him. This makes it even more crazy that when faced with my hearts desire, I find myself pulling away. It's almost as if I'd rather take it away from myself instead of having it fall apart after I am in love and invested.

I've done a lot of soul searching lately. I've been asking myself what exactly is making me hesitate? Vulnerability isn't comfortable, but I think I have worked through that. The one thing that keeps coming back to me is that hesitation is a habit for me. To explain further, in the past my hesitation has saved me from being caught up in relationships that were not right for me. That survival instinct has been reinforced with every loser I've dated in the past and is stronger than ever. I thought I could but, I don't know if I can turn it off.

This instinct takes the form of a voice that points out every single thing that could possibly be wrong. But like good versus evil, there will automatically be some type of clarity or revelation that shows me that this is exactly what the right thing looks like. I am having this emotional tug of war in my head without ever saying a word. Strangely enough, the more time I dedicate to thinking about it, the more I begin to daydream and even fantasize and become dreamy (my face is totally twisted & contorted in disbelief)...

Ultimately, good does overpower evil. Instead of pulling away from love, I am finding myself pulling away from my old habit of self preservation. I value the instincts that have gotten me this far in life. They saved me when I needed to be saved. And it is true that not all people deserve all of the benefits of our love, affection, and admiration. But there will be times in life where you will find those that deserve all of those things and it is only fair to them, that they should receive them.

Never Single But Always Alone

I have a few friends who are never single. Over the years they have managed to seamlessly move from one relationship to another. I've always wondered how they managed to do this. My relationships have been few & far between because I consider myself a quality over quantity type of person. Even though they seem to really be in love and attracted to these guys, the fact that they can transition so easily makes me doubt the sincerity & depth of their true feelings.

I had one friend who was with her guy for the longest time. They did everything together. They were so cute. But when he cheated on her and tried crawling back, we were just as surprised as he was that she had not only moved on, but had moved in with another guy. No time for any grass to grow beneath her feet. We thought that maybe she was doing it to get underneath the first guy's skin, but she ended up living with that second guy for many years. And when that relationship ended, she went right into another one with another guy. I just sit here shaking my head and wondering where she finds her pool of winners...

After discussing it with a mutual friend, we gathered that some people are not happy unless they are hooked up with someone or apart of a couple. When I say not happy, I mean they can not live without another person. And after mulling it over, it isn't that she is picking all winners, it just seems that she is able to accept a lot of flaws and keep the relationship moving toward her ultimate goal of "relationship" status. He may be the first to approach her, but she will go with the flow and become so consumed that before even the guy knows it, they are an item! She plans their dates and sets the agenda for their relationship and never loses track or focus. She doesn't care how it looks or if other people think of her relationship as lacking depth. There is a basic need for her to be in a relationship and nothing comes before that goal.

She says she loves being a girlfriend and feeling needed. And she seems to gravitate toward men who need a woman's touch. They appreciate her choosing their clothes or fixing their lunch. They want a mother figure, and she is always there to fill that gap for them. She is a beautiful girl both inside & out. Their parents always love her, and assist her in convincing the guy that she is what they need. She has this game down to a science but I often wonder if this will be enough for her in the long run. I mean who cares what it looks like if you aren't genuinely happy. How can she be complacent with stretching and pulling a guy into being what she needs? And can he really be stretched and pulled into Mr. Right?

I think we all know the answer to that question. This just shows that a totally sensible person can be in denial about the reasons they choose a mate. And it also proves that many of the relationships that look great from the outside can be based on the shakiest of principles. Nevertheless, these principles are indeed important to these women. There is something that makes them value being in these types of relationships over being alone. Being alone is the absolute worst case scenario for them. But as a single woman, I can honestly say I'd rather be alone than to use another person to bide my time.

Why Am I Afraid of Butterflies?

I know this may seem like such a silly question and even sillier fear to have, but I woke up this morning realizing that butterflies scare me. Not the proverbial butterfly with wings that flutter around from flower to flower. I am talking about that feeling in your stomach that you get when you are excited about something. I can tell my level of emotion for a man by if I get butterflies or not.

The first time I got that "feeling" was in 4th grade. I sat next to a boy that I'd liked since 3rd grade. He liked me too but we didn't know what to do. In 3rd grade we were friends, but after the butterflies came, we both clammed up. My palms would sweat, and I was afraid that if I even looked at him, he'd know all of the feelings I had for him. It made me very nervous, and for the first time, I felt vulnerable. We eventually were able to put all of our butterflies aside, and began passing notes. He would buy me candy and walk me home from school. We'd talk on the phone, and do our homework together. At the end of 4th grade, he gave me my very first kiss. I must say that it was far sweeter than any of the candy he gave me.

Since then, I've gotten them a few more times but it's been a while since a man truly gave me butterflies. Lately, I've been getting them more and more. I am realizing that my new "friend" excites me more than I am comfortable with. I seem to revert back to 4th grade and get the sweaty palms and nervousness. What's worse is the vulnerability I feel. And because nobody likes being uncomfortable, I tend to look for any and every reason to get the hell away from this situation. It's like I still don't know what to do! Indeed, those butterflies scare the hell out of me!

For goodness sakes, I've dated nose pickers, whore mongers, and dirt bags yet I flee from butterflies? When there was a case of miscommunication, although I was ready to bolt and just give up, he calmly reassured me and squashed the whole situation. I really appreciated that he understood that being vulnerable is no fun for anybody. And his concern with making sure that I did not lose trust in him was very endearing. I found myself being more attracted to him for being so accountable and responsible. And with the way he handled it, I had no choice but to listen to reason. There was no big blow up. There was no disrespect. There was a glitch. And he handled it. I really can't ask for anything more than that. Even though it seemed a little difficult for him, he laid his cards on the table. His effort made me want to step my game up! That conversation solidified why he excites me so much. Worsening the butterflies...

In this situation, the butterflies represent something new & unknown, but also something beautiful and uncontrollable. I've seen so much and although I am open for love, I am afraid of being hurt. I am not one to live my life in fear. Today I am going forward and facing my vulnerability and my fears. Today, I am going to enjoy my butterflies and appreciate them for what they are. Instead of being afraid, I have decided to allow myself to be excited. Instead of feeling vulnerable, I will allow myself to feel safe with him. Starting this chapter is unknown territory, but I am going to allow myself to enjoy it instead of being afraid or intimidated by it. Long live the butterflies!

Love or Lust?

One of the hottest relationships I've ever had was with a man who was able to satisfy me physically. The passion was so intense, and the time we spent together now seems like a total blur. Conversations, phone calls, texts all led to us being together. Inseparable. We'd sometimes only leave bed to take care of those things that could not be avoided such as working, running errands, and family functions. At the time, I could have sworn I loved him, but now I wonder if it was just lust.

Whats the difference between having an electrical physical connection, and love? If they are both dynamic forms of emotion that can overwhelm your body and soul couldn't they both be the same? As I think back to all of the hand holding, and affection I also recall feeling trapped. Being so close to another person all of the time would make me feel almost claustrophobic. Yet some of our biggest fights were about one of us leaving the other's presence.

As strange as it sounds, when you spend all of your time with one person it may be hard to grow in other areas. We were both successful at work and other ventures we took up, but it seemed that our families and friends thought we were in our own little world. We let very few people in. We spent hours upon hours talking and walking and sharing our thoughts and ideas. But when it came down to it, we couldn't let each other go long enough to execute any of them. That type of clinging hurt us tremendously. We never learned how to be together, and still be all of the things that our lives called for us to be. We became insecure and jealous of anything that took us away from each other. And our time together became fewer and farther between.

Love does not deprive you of anything. It gives you more of what you need. In my experience, you are better for it. You are strong within it, and can tackle anything with love as your security blanket. Being one of the seven deadly sins, lust is very powerful and not to be underestimated. It is very similar to love and it often takes on the same shape and form. We did ourselves such a dis-service by relying so heavily on our physical connection. Instead of working on venturing out and still being able to come back together, we just gave up. Craving some one's attention and affection can manifest into addiction. Some of the most unhealthy relationships stem from people not wanting their partner to live or function in life without them. People have told me to just let it go, but we haven't found it to be that easy. Like any addiction, you have to first be convinced that something is bad for you before you want to leave it alone. And for years we held out hope that maybe we were not as toxic for each other as the world seemed to think.

As time went by, we were unable to get our footing and establish a firm foundation for our relationship. But we were able to easily fall of the wagon, and right back into the physical connection that we have always shared. No words, no changes. Just us. Sometimes we would just sit there for hours in silence because we knew our issues were too big to even go into. And if we did go into them, where to begin? So we took the cowardly way out and left things as is until the next relapse.

What's odd about these sort of "relationships" is that when you are in them, you don't see the harm you are doing to yourself and the other person. It is a totally selfish and evasive way to handle things. Nothing gets solved yet you are still emotionally invested. So you can not really move on and in the back of your mind, you are thinking that you can always lean on that crutch. The love/lust rope can tangle you up so much that you may justify your involvement by masking it as love. It seems silly to continue something that is bad for you just for lust but we do it all of the time. As difficult as it may be, we need to focus on untangling ourselves from anything that is not beneficial to us. Lust is just another form of settling. We must be strong enough to look lust in the face for what it really is and run (don't walk) in the opposite direction. And we can only do that one day at a time. Second by second, we must make the choice to only invest ourselves in something that can bare the fruit we need to sustain ourselves.

Can One Become "Addicted" to Dating?

While in pursuit of Mr. Right, I've found myself in a perpetual stream of dates. I remember the expression that said you may have to kiss lots of frogs before you find your prince. With that in mind, I don't get discouraged when things don't work out the way that I would like after the first few dates. Being an eternal optimist, I chalk it up and keep moving. After watching, listening, and reading my blog entries, a friend asked me if I thought that I may be addicted to dating. He even said that I may not be giving some of the "frogs" equal opportunity to become my prince because I am more intrigued by the newness of a relationship and all of the possibilities that lie ahead before you get to see some one's flaws. Once the newness wears off, he says that I seem to get bored and move on too quickly.

Who does not enjoy the honeymoon phase of relationships? I retorted that I am a fair person, but I live my life like a honeymoon. This has nothing to do with any type of fear of commitment. I take each day as an opportunity to have fun, and learn something new. I take nothing for granted and have committed wholeheartedly to past relationships. Unfortunately, a lot of people in general do not live their lives with those sentiments. Let alone, the men that I have dated. I have seen lots of human flaws and am not the type to judge someone unless those qualities are such that I can not bare to deal with on a day to day basis. I am truly an equal opportunity dater.

As far as being addicted to dating, I am. Even when in a relationship, I found that I made an effort to keep it hot & exciting. I would be fine with dating the same man over and over if we were able to keep it fun & honeymoonish. In the relationships that I have seen that have lasted the longest & where the people involved seemed most happy, those people all say that they had to work at it. I have also found this true in my longest relationships. I am totally willing to put my work in, and am only looking for someone who will do the same. Being addicted to happiness is not a crime. But being in a relationship that no longer excites you should be.

I had to wonder if my friend would have the same opinion if I waited until the relationship was already established to move on. Only because the excitement can leave at any time. If it leaves before the relationship even gets off of the ground, you would be a fool to continue. Why get more involved and invested if there are clear indications of incompatibility in the beginning? I am done with charity. Self doubt and second guessing the things that are most important to me in my relationships have only led to disaster. Of course there are many other factors in keeping a relationship together, but if you are no longer excited, all you end up doing is wandering elsewhere anyway and I am not a cheater. My friend says that there could be a man that is perfect for me in every other way, and that I should be able to "work on" creating and maintaining that excitement. I simply told him that if I need to "work on" anything during the dating stage, I may need to re-think if the person I am dating is right for me and move on to the next frog.

I was sad that my friend thinks that I take my prospects lightly. I believe that overall, most people are more good than bad. I get excited that I may be that much closer to the right one for me. It truly is a let down when I find that we aren't compatible but I can not take it personally. I have and will continue working on myself in order to be the best person I can be for my mate, but I will not compromise what really matters to me. We only get one life. As long as I have realistic expectations of what I can offer and accept, I will continue on my path until my prince is found. It is up to each individual to set their own standards. I make no apologies for loving and enjoying life and searching for someone who can do that with me on terms that I can live with. And I told him that he shouldn't either.

Once Trust is Lost, Can it Ever Be Regained?

Relationships often don't work out because something happens where trust is lost or compromised. Since it is one of the basic building blocks of a firm foundation, I wonder sometimes if trust is lost, can it ever be regained?

Our minds seem to be a storage tank that holds all of our values, ideas, and opinions. Subconsciously we seem to be making decisions and opinions without even noticing the factors that our mind is using as a basis for these thoughts. So when there is an issue with trust, our mind goes over data that has been previously gathered to assess if this extension of trust (like credit) is high risk or low risk. We not only use our own personal experiences with the individual but also use the stored knowledge & opinions of how we notice that individual interacting with others to assess how trustworthy they are.

Because honesty can be subjective (if the other person doesn't know what's truth vs. A lie), its often a judgement call or moral choice to be honest. Many times its simply easier to lie. Telling the truth can open up a can of worms that can get you in much deeper (even if it is the right thing to do). It takes courage to tell the truth. The virtuous path is often the loneliest. A lot of my admiration & respect for my friends has come from their integrity & honesty. Over time, I noticed that when under pressure, they chose the truth. Because once its in your nature, you just are honest & forthright and because of that, people trust you. The ramifications of the truth become benefits.

You are only as good as your word. At the end of the day, when your mind is processing all of the information and looking back over the people you have encountered, you note the people who did what they said they would do. You trust the people who do this consistently. And if someone told just a small one, you may be able to look past it. If its a habit or they are known for telling whoppers, you may become leery of them and not even trust them with the truth when they are genuine.

I have a friend who is a compulsive liar. He lies about everything. Things that aren't even so important, he will lie about. He is a good person, and that is why he is still a friend, but even after 20 years, I still find myself doubting everything he says because I am constantly catching him in lies. We are not as close anymore because it is too much work to try to figure out if he is being dishonest or not. And I realized that because he is consistent with his story telling, it is only a matter of time before his lies have an impact on me. I wish that he realized that he did not have to lie to be a likable person. While he is thinking that those made up things make him an asset, I think it brings his property value down. It also makes him seem superficial and fake which outweighs the many good things about him. At this point, his reputation for being a liar proceeds him and I wouldn't trust him with the simplest things.

This same friend could have easily regained my trust simply by telling the truth. He could have started at anytime. I can tell you that if he could have made it a point to work through the discomfort he felt when being truthful, we could have begun to rebuild the trust in our friendship. I would never be able to forget all of the lies he has already told, but I could learn to forgive him. I've offered him this chance time and time again. As it stands, he still thinks there is nothing wrong and that his friendship should outweigh the lies. So I have given up. I have too many lessons that I am still learning in life to try to teach someone how to be a good friend to me.

In an essence, with a lot of hard work and love, trust that has been lost, can truly be regained. The key to rebuilding trust is that you have to begin with admitting that you were wrong. You must be willing to make restitution for what has happened. Don't expect to have a clean slate, but to have another chance. Work with the broken pieces and try to make it whole again. But just like anything that is broken, it may never be the same. Expect the person who was wronged to have their days where their faith may waiver. Don't let that discourage you. Just work harder and reassure them. In time, the doubts will subside. If not, you may need to re-evaluate the relationship and see if it can be saved. Ultimately you will find that if both parties can put forth an effort to fix it, (no matter how damaged it may seem) you can still make something very beautiful together.

How Many Consecutive Dates Can a Girl Have Before She is Deemed a "Hoe"?

I recently read an article about a famous singer going out on dates with a few famous men in the course of a week. She recently broke up with her ex, and many were surprised to see she was rebounding with some attractive suitors so soon. At the end of the story, there were posts from different readers who were advising her to space out her dates or risk being deemed a "hoe". I found this idea ridiculous for people who live in 2009. These were not the comments of baby boomers who were born in the 50's and 60's, but of young people who appeared to be in their early to mid 20's.

Since when does being seen with someone mean you are sleeping with them? Aren't people allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? And with all the girl has gone through, how can anyone deprive her of any example of decent gentleman or human affection that someone wants to bestow upon her? It always amazes me how in this day & age, people can be so judgemental of women playing the field when men do it all the time.

Being an attractive young woman, this young lady was probably sought after even when she was with her ex. In addtion to that she is famous & has the creme of the crop to choose from. Decisions, decisions...She would be a fool not to take advantage of what the world has to offer. And I say this to most women, and especially young girls: There are so many men out there, how else can you find out what you like or dislike if you have no experience with them? And for the record, I do not condone sleeping with men you are just dating. Once you start sleeping with them, it seems to cross the line from dating, to relationship no matter what the boundaries may be. But dating & getting to know different people is more than just fine--it's encouraged! Dating can be fun, and lets face it we all like to get our ego boosted back up after a bad breakup. My mother used to say the best cure for an old love is to find a new one.

Sometimes, I think that men say those things about women because they like to think that women can only focus on one man at a time. Or they like the idea of a woman growing old as a chaste spinster pining away for her lost love, than to see her so openly moving on and recovering. And then of course there is jealousy at the woman's many options, and maybe even possible that he is jealous that he has no chance to be an option. But men have been calling us sluts and whores for reasons other than our sexual choices for centuries. But What puzzles me the most is the number of women who say this about other women. If she is not sleeping with them, how can she be a hoe? And as a woman, you should be able to identify with this more than men. I think it's more jealousy than outdated values that move women to say such things. Jealousy at the options that they wish they had...youth or beauty that they don't have. That and the parrot syndrome...when women just say things in agreement with men to gain their favor.

In an essence: she shouldn't have to go around clarifying if she is sleeping with them either. Even if she wanted to be a straight up gutter butt stank hoe, as long as she isn't hurting anyone or spreading any diseases, we should care less how many dates someone goes on. I could only hope that they are doing whatever it takes to be happy in their life. Hell, we should all be focused on our own personal lives! Most need work. Because ultimately, minding someone else's business means you surely aren't minding your own as much as you should be. Live and let live.

Is There a Soul Mate for Everyone?

Although I am playing the numbers game as far as dating, I have not had that many serious relationships. I have been in love many times, but I do not ever recall thinking that I'd found my "Soul Mate" until my last relationship.

As awful as some aspects of that relationship were, I remembered thinking that I had never been happier. It was not about love or sex, but the sense of familiarity and comfort that peaked and never dwindled over such a long period of time. There was an intimacy that went beyond the physical and it is hard for me, even now, to put it in a category with any other relationship. I still believe that relationship helped define me as a person more so than any other.

So when it does not work out with your "Soul Mate" what do you do? Since you can not just shrivel up and die or give up, you have to keep going. I believe that there is a such thing as a "Soul Mate" and that they are made perfectly for you. There is not even the slightest alteration or persuasion that is necessary when dealing with them. There is growth, and love, and you overcome challenges together.

What I can now appreciate about that relationship is that it helped me define the things that constitute being my "Soul Mate". And where I used to focus on all of the things that bonded us together, it was really the things that broke us apart that needed to be noted. Those little things were not so small. In fact, they were big enough to break us away from each other. They were the very indicators that he was NOT my "Soul Mate". Close...but not quite. After many years of holding those characteristics close to me, I realize it is time to let them go in order to get the whole package from someone else. See, it's knowing that someone can come so close that reinforces my belief that if you hold out for who is right for you, you can have the happiness you want. If you occupy your time with someone who you know is not the one, you may never find out if it gets any better.

I am not saying to jump ship at the first sign of trouble, but there are some things that we know can not be changed. There are words that can not be unspoken and deeds that can not be undone. And even when those things happen, we may be inclined to hang on because it may be the closest thing to our ideal person that we've ever come across. And who knows, given some time and space, you may still end up with that person, but you should not have to force it take any abuse for that to happen. Finding your "Soul Mate" should be a beautiful thing for those who are looking for it...for those who believe.

As humans, we should be ever changing and always learning. That includes our souls. We need different things at different times in our lives. The person we choose to spend our lives with, the person who is made perfectly for us, will be changing and growing with us. We will not outgrow them or take them for granted. They will not just be the closest thing we've come across. And because of the bumps and bruises of the past, we will be appreciative and welcoming when they come into our lives. We will know them when we see them and there will be no question. And because their role is so important, it may take lots of patience. After all, it's their experiences in life that will make them perfect for you and they may not have learned all that they need to know in order to be perfect for you yet. The waiting is the toughest part, but there is no rushing perfection if you truly believe your "Soul Mate" is out there. And I do believe that there is a "Soul Mate" for everyone. So be patient in your pursuit and humble in your acceptance and know they are out there and made perfectly for you.

Bad Habits Die Hard...

So I had a magnificent date! There were all of the key things you look for in a good date. He was funny, attractive, and very intelligent. We talked and laughed, and laughed and talked. We tasted different wines and he offered me his expertise and made the decision on which one we would settle on. I've been out with this guy before, and he always shows me something new and always a good time. Although he is a bit younger, he is very worldly and well versed. His attire was impeccable, he smelled divine, and he was a true gentleman. As he tucked me into his Mercedes (and all but put my seat belt on for me) I thought to myself "could he be the one?"...

We were back at my place having yet another bottle of wine. We were knee deep in conversation and having some intense eye contact when out of nowhere his hand flies up to his face, right into his nose, and does a quick dig. I could not believe my eyes. He picked his nose right in front of me! My mind didn't know what to process first, the act itself, or keeping up with what he did with those fingers next! Look, I know that one of my issues is with germs. Touching a public door handle freaks me out. But I try not to be too anal. And I've certainly learned to pick my battles on the dating court but this was going too far. I kept thinking that he was going to wipe his hand somewhere, and that it better not be on my ecru sofa or on me! It was almost like he didn't even realize he did it or that it was offensive. It was such a swift and well crafted gesture that if I had turned away, I may not have noticed it at all. But I'm glad I did because that is just nasty! So here I am wondering: is a guy picking his nose on a date a deal breaker?

Ok, so he is a sweetheart, has a very good career and is so handsome that he could model! But it's because he was so polished that he should have known better. I found it hard to believe he didn't know enough not to pick his nose in a lady's presence. He was in a suit jacket for goodness sake! If he were a cocaine addict or compulsive gambler it would be easier to put into perspective. But this could be something he could easily change or at least hide. (Would hiding it be acceptable?)

I must admit that this incident put a damper on the evening, and I ended up doing my usual "runaway date" act where I fake an emergency. I was really disappointed. I was giving this guy the green light. I really liked him. A friend told me not to discount him over something so small compared to all of his other attributes. But I really don't know if I can deal with such a habit. And it isn't the sort of thing that you can mention to someone and hope that they will just stop.

Besides all of this, I had another date (not so long ago) where the guy did the same thing and then proceeded to put his fingers in his mouth and I almost lost my lunch. I don't know why digging in one's nose is so appealing. Because you are using your own fingers as the instrument, and then you have nowhere to put whatever goldmine you find up there. This habit seems to really be hard to break because I've seen people doing it everywhere, especially driving. And what is the fascination with tasting it? That is even worse than the act of nose picking. And if they are nose pickers, does that lead to eventually tasting it? I don't know how this works, but there has got to be some type of intervention available right?

Everyone has bad habits. And nobody is perfect. So what to do? This truly is not the worst thing in the world, but nevertheless, it is a dilemma. I enjoy my time with him and he really likes me. We both want the same things out of life, and we have a very intense attraction to one another. I am still trying to find out if this is something I can tolerate, or if I can get him to stop it! I know there are some things that you must tolerate within a relationship. I guess it's just up to the individual to gage. I think I am going to try again, and if it happens again, I am just going to call him out on it and remind him that we aren't 5 years old anymore and that picking his nose is not acceptable. If he continues and just can't help himself, I will have to do more soul searching, but hopefully he will be as considerate about this as he is about everything else, and just break the habit. Cross your fingers...