How Long Does It Really Take to Move On?

A friend of mine was very upset that her ex had moved on. They have been broken up for 2 months now, and she called me to vent & get some advice because she found out that he was now dating someone else. She seemed to be most upset that he was able to do so in such a short amount of time. We agreed to meet at the park and go for a walk. As we talked & walked, she was truly heartbroken and upset. She explained that although they had broken up, they had not broken away from each other. They still spoke on the phone, and even had a sexual relapse on more than one occasion. Because of this, she thought that they were in the process of working on their issues and reconciling. She had no idea that he was even interested in other women. As she spoke, her emotion turned to anger, and she expressed that she was really pissed that while she was working on their issues, he was playing the bachelor. She was still reserving his spot in her heart and she was angry that he was not doing the same for her.

It was about more than him moving on. It was the way he did it that stuck in her craw. As I listened I totally understood. It reminded me of the Rachel/Ross situation on friends where Ross slept with someone else after he felt that Rachel broke up with him. Rachel maintained that they were not broken up, but were "on a break". There is a serious difference in the way that men & women interpret behavior in the opposite sex. Unfortunately since so many people are so guarded with their emotions, a lot of behavior is subject to interpretation.

After the blow up, she took it as an argument. He took it as a break up. And then after the ordeal, since they were still incommunicado, she figured the commitment was still there and that there were just issues to work on. On the other hand, he saw it as a break up but he was having a difficult time in letting go. While she was working on issues, he was working on distance, and was doing that with someone else. Because he gave up so quickly, she began to question if his feelings were ever genuine. But I am with her in wondering how he could go from one relationship into another so quickly?

Its funny because she may never know the answer to that question. By there being another woman involved she wants to resolve the situation in her mind so that she can move on. But I have a feeling that even though there is another woman, she may not be as much of a threat to their reconciliation as my friend may think. He may just be doing the best he can to cope because he doesn't know what else to do. Some people don't know how to argue. When the going gets tough, they get the hell out of there. Or they hit below the belt or never look back because they have a "renter's mentality" about relationships. They don't fully invest themselves because they want to be ready to hit the escape hatch as soon as the going gets rough. By her emotion, I could tell that she was invested. But who knows? He just may not know how to invest himself or what that looks like. And its important that when in a relationship you know if your mate is in it for the long haul, or just in it for the good times only.

I asked her if she thought that she would be able to have a conversation with him about that. If she could put her anger & emotion aside (because that often distracts people from listening to your real point), and just explain how she felt. After all, if the relationship was over she had nothing to lose, but if it was worth saving, why not lay it all out there? If he still wanted to go their separate ways, she could do so knowing she did what she could. I also told her to be ready for it to go either way. You never know with these things, and I didn't want her to be even more upset if it didn't go her way. If this is the way he deals with conflict, it's best to know now. I told her not to take it personally because a lot of the way that we deal with conflict is learned at an early age and very hard to undo.

Sometimes people have moved on, and haven't even broken up yet. So ultimately it is not about the length of time it takes for one to move on after a break up. What matters is that they have moved on. If she finds that he really has moved on, she must do the same. She shouldn't be stuck on the formalities of how it was done, or how long, or with whom. I told her that when it happened to me, I took it as a lesson in the type of mate I wanted. I know I am a strong woman and it takes a strong man to catch me when I slip. And that means finding a mate that agrees with me about the respect remaining even when we argue...someone who knows that along with the good days, we will have some bad ones and will be ok with sticking them out with me, and who knows that sleeping with someone else or establishing any other relationships would be the end of ours. I told her that if it is time to move on, it just means that she will get another chance with someone else to make sure her expectations are set in the beginning and if they aren't of one accord on what the principles of the relationship should be, she should just keep movin'. (I still have my fingers crossed & am rooting for him though!)