After You've Broken Up, Is It Possible to Still (Occasionally) Hook Up & Keep It Casual?

We've all done it. Sex with an ex aka backsliding. Sometimes it seems as if the things that drove you apart don't exist. For a few hours/days/minutes we can forget all of the reasons why we ever let them go. And although we know it may only be temporary, our physical bodies seem to have a lifelong attraction for some of our old acquaintances.

Realizing that it could never work, but also recognizing a beautiful connection I often wonder if I could ever compartmentalize my feelings enough to rekindle only the physical aspect of a previous relationship. A relationship that I am certain to never go back to.

It seems that such strong emotions against a relationship would turn off any type of sexual attraction but its just not that simple. When people are drawn together physically, it can drown out the noise of past transgressions. That attraction can be the only thing that matters sometimes. Of course coupled with a good relationship, it can be the stuff that dreams are made of, but what if you only have part of the winning combination? Do you throw away the whole thing, or do you save that piece that you still have?

Save the beauty is what I have thought to myself when I find myself looking at my ex snuggled comfortably in my bed. But when he is not there, and I am in my day to day life I wonder why I settled for a piece of something instead of holding out for the whole thing. Logically it doesn't make sense, but at those times...the heart wants what the heart wants. So I've decided that maybe there is not particular rule regarding this. I think that in life we move through it by taking pieces of happiness where we can get them. To live is to know that there is no whole piece. That love gets chipped and broken all of the time and has to be stitched, repaired, and maintained at all costs. Maybe that one thing that keeps you coming back for more is the one thing that opens a dialogue to possibly fix what has been previously broken.

I'm not saying that sex is a good foundation of which to build a relationship. But I do know that in my experience, I have had some of the most honest and forthcoming conversations with my ex during these times. Funny how feeling as if there is nothing to lose makes it easier to put all of your cards on the table. During the times that we've "backslid" I've come to see my ex in a whole new light. I've seen his vulnerability and thoughtfulness. And even though I know I can't go back to him, I am now able to at least respect him.

First Kiss, First Love Lesson

Looking back at my very first kiss, I laugh at how awkward it was. The boy that I liked so very much had written me a note asking me if I would be his girlfriend: yes or no. I responded and we proceeded to go together. Of course in fourth grade, all this meant was that when we had the chance we would sit together, and he would buy me candy. We spoke more before we became boyfriend/girlfriend than afterward. I can recall this being my first time being "attracted" to the opposite sex.

It seems as if we spoke to each other more before we became boyfriend/girlfriend than afterward. I don't know what happened, but it was as if neither of us knew what to do next, and it scared us. But we wrote our love notes and decided the next step was to kiss. And I could not wait. I sat in my room fantasizing about us kissing and holding hands, taking walks and being in love...I remember looking out my bedroom window thinking, thinking, thinking...

Let me explain also that I went to a Roman Catholic Elementary School. The nuns at St. Marys made prison guards look like girl scouts. Although never one to get out of line, I can honestly say that I've been swatted by them plenty of times. So we knew we could not get caught doing it at school. Between the nuns and my father who didn't even allow me to have boys as friends, my life would be over. So, I begged my parents to allow me to catch the bus home and asked my Bo to walk me to the bus.

I was so excited until I realized I didn't know what to do. What kind of kiss was he talking about? I started going crazy wondering how I agreed to this whole thing without more details! Dam him! That note was too simple! I needed more information about this and there was no time. My stomach was doing somersaults and the time seemed to be speeding up by the minute. I was so nervous and scared, it was like I was challenged to fight a boy after school-not kiss him!

We got all the way to the bus stop. He looked at me, but I could not look at him. I saw the bus approaching in the distance and was so glad this was all about to be over. When the bus stopped in front of me, I finally looked at him. He smiled at me almost as if to say, not to worry. He didn't even come toward me as I walked up to the bus. And just like that, I was not afraid. I turned and went toward him, and planted one dead on his surprised lips. I let the kiss linger on my lips for a few seconds and turned on my heel and stepped onto that bus a woman!

My first kiss had almost turned into a disaster. I over-thought the situation and turned it into something bigger than life. I almost deprived myself of all of the pleasure that I was originally excited by. But when the time came, I had to make a choice. This was my first time choosing love over fear. It was good practice. And I am glad that I started early because it surely would not be my last!

The Mooch

When I told this story to one of my friends, I wasn't surprised that she also had the same experience. I've discussed it before, but the deterioration of the quality of men these days is almost sinful.

What led to this conversation was this: I met a very nice guy. He had manners, a good job, was handsome--the works! We'd met up a few times but had never really had a date. We spoke over the phone frequently but somehow avoided making any real plans. One night we were on the phone and I mentioned I was making dinner. We had been on the phone for 30 minutes or so, and he never mentioned a desire to make plans with me that night. But after I told him I was cooking, he wanted to come over?

As I mentioned, he is a nice guy. But may I also mention that after meeting up with him a few times and noticing that he didn't offer to pay for my drinks or open my car door I was turned off. He didn't make me feel like a lady. He made me feel like he was just a male buddy. See, what I am attracted to in a man, is his manliness. There are distinct behaviors that make men masculine in the same way that there are distinct behaviors that make women feminine. I am not attracted to men who takes shortcuts. Nothing personal, but its like a switch just turns off inside. We all know that there are many women who do not expect much and to which shortcuts are just fine. That just is not my preference. The men in my life treat women like women. My father, brothers, cousins, son, and grandfather are all that way. And let me add that when they are around, I was taught to treat them like men. Happy to be a dutiful host, serve them and care for them as the woman in their life should.

Back to the mooch...so this guy who I have already established in my mind I am no longer attracted to wants to come over and eat! Not only am I wondering why he thinks that now would be the time for him to come to my home, but also why does he think I would want to share my food with him? When he has made it clear that he isn't going to go out of his way, why does he think I would go out of mine? And after he asks, he mentions us snuggling up on my couch (btw which turned my stomach). So in addition to me feeding him, he also wants to "cuddle"? Would somebody please get these men off the streets please? They are killing me!

Look, I understand that there is a shortage of men out there. But we do not have to settle for this type of behavior! His credentials don't make him exempt from the criteria of having manners and not using women. Why have we dropped the qualification that our men treat us like ladies? Yes, we can make it on our own. Yes, we may have to be tough in the world to make it, but at the end of the day, most women want to be treated like a woman by their men. And that does not mean take care of her man while he does nothing for her! Nothing turns me off faster than a man who wants the world but doesn't want to give anything. I always said it doesn't matter how rich or poor people are. What matters is their generosity and sincerity. And when we pay attention, we can determine this very early into our relationships.

What this guy didn't know when he asked me that question was that he was hammering the last nail into his coffin. We couldn't even be friends. It was obvious that he was looking for a one-sided relationship-and not in my favor. There were too many indications that this was a dis functional relationship waiting to happen. I appreciated knowing what to look for so as to see chumps like him a mile away so that I know when to cross the street.

To Valentine or not to Valentine?

Valentine's day for a girl like me means almost the same as when I was in 5th grade. Various cards, candies, and potential suitors. It's funny because its usually when you don't have any options that you realize how much you would like them, but not me! I cherish my dating life and take it very seriously. I think my approach to dating is why I am able to continue without having any real hard feelings towards the ones that "just didn't work out".

Most people say that its just another day and that its become too commercialized to really mean anything any more, but I love Valentine's Day. I like the expression of affection especially at a time where people aren't exactly putting their best foot forward. Love is in the air, and like it or not, there is a buzz in the air also.

Being such a romantic I actually walk around with those valentines from back in the day in my pocket and hand them out to various people. I send my special loved ones valentines in the mail with hearts and xoxoxo all over them. I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing affection. I wish I could do it more often! And the best part about the whole thing is the affection you get in return! So the next time you think a girl doesn't care about Valentine's Day, think twice. There are some of us still left who really get into it!

Happy Valentine's Day!

xoxoxoxoxoxox

I Think I dated You Before

I met a very nice, very handsome young man that I had a lot in common with. He was very attentive, laid back, and mature. I liked him very much. We spoke on the phone every day and we had lots of fun together. We hit it off from the start.

After we began planning my move-in, I began to feel more excited. I couldn't figure out why this stage in our relationship had me so anxious. Although I knew that moving together was going to be a big step, I felt like everything up until that point had been the normal progression of things. It was when I spoke to one of my girlfriends and she teased me that he looked like my "type". Always priding myself on being an equal opportunity dater, I rolled my eyes and asked her what she meant. As she explained, I thought about how he reminded me of a guy I dated years ago. The way he treated me, the way he responded to me...Hell to be honest they look like they could be related. How could I not see it?

What was even worse was that I realized that my previous relationship ended before we got to the moving-in stage but that I always wished we could have gone further. Which is why my new relationship seemed to be moving into uncharted territory. I'd done it all before with an older version!

So what does this mean? I think it's far more than having a particular type. It almost seemed as if I was trying to clean up my previous relationship even though that was never my intent. I had genuine feelings for my new guy. They did not ever seem to have anything to do with my past.

So what to do? Continue on with my new old boyfriend? Seriously, does he deserve to know the similarities or is that irrelevant as long as our relationship continues to be good?