Ever hear the expression "be careful what you wish for because you just may get it"? I've heard it several times, but never paid it any real thought until now. For a long time, I've been on a journey for my soul mate. I've stood on my faith and upheld my personal standards because I knew I would find him. This makes it even more crazy that when faced with my hearts desire, I find myself pulling away. It's almost as if I'd rather take it away from myself instead of having it fall apart after I am in love and invested.I've done a lot of soul searching lately. I've been asking myself what exactly is making me hesitate? Vulnerability isn't comfortable, but I think I have worked through that. The one thing that keeps coming back to me is that hesitation is a habit for me. To explain further, in the past my hesitation has saved me from being caught up in relationships that were not right for me. That survival instinct has been reinforced with every loser I've dated in the past and is stronger than ever. I thought I could but, I don't know if I can turn it off.
This instinct takes the form of a voice that points out every single thing that could possibly be wrong. But like good versus evil, there will automatically be some type of clarity or revelation that shows me that this is exactly what the right thing looks like. I am having this emotional tug of war in my head without ever saying a word. Strangely enough, the more time I dedicate to thinking about it, the more I begin to daydream and even fantasize and become dreamy (my face is totally twisted & contorted in disbelief)...
Ultimately, good does overpower evil. Instead of pulling away from love, I am finding myself pulling away from my old habit of self preservation. I value the instincts that have gotten me this far in life. They saved me when I needed to be saved. And it is true that not all people deserve all of the benefits of our love, affection, and admiration. But there will be times in life where you will find those that deserve all of those things and it is only fair to them, that they should receive them.
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