Just Not That Into Who?

There are signs that indicate whether or not a person is interested or not. Of course there are very obvious signs like lack of attention, and evasiveness. But if a person is saying that they are interested with their mouth, why would there be any other indication to the contrary? I would like to be able to take people at face value, but too many people can't be honest with themselves let alone with another person about how they really feel.

I understand that nobody wants to put themselves out there for rejection, but acting in a nonchalant manner can give the impression of not being interested. For this reason, if I like someone, I make an effort not to give conflicting signals. Even if I want to hold back, I try to let myself go so that there is no misconception as to what I want. Contrary to what a lot of articles and books say, it is possible to do this without scaring the other person into thinking you are a stalker.

So what is to be gained by this aloofness? Saving face and playing coy can get you the boot quicker than being honest and available. I've heard many say that you don't want to be the first one in a relationship to admit how you feel, but this sounds so silly and childish to me. If you like someone why play games? Especially if there is a risk that you could lose out. And if you do not like them, why string them along? I can play games with the best of them, but I will never be able to understand how frivolous people can be with their time. If I am not feeling it, I don't waste an extra second in discomfort. And I certainly don't want the other person to believe something is going to happen that surely (in my book), will not.

At the end of the day, we are all responsible for ensuring that the impressions we make will be consistent with our true selves. Even if you do not like the person & no matter how awkward it may be, we should be adult enough to make sure that we are being up front & honest. I've played with taking the cowards way out and just avoiding people, and that never really works out. Of course you don't have to be cruel and mean, but simply admit that something just isn't right for you and politely move on. For those that want to argue or convince you, don't fall into that trap. It's just another way to try to get you to engage them. You did your civic duty by being honest, and there is nothing else required. But giving mixed signals and being wishy- washy (is that a word?) brings bad Karma and will only come back to bite you.

Pulling Away

Ever hear the expression "be careful what you wish for because you just may get it"? I've heard it several times, but never paid it any real thought until now. For a long time, I've been on a journey for my soul mate. I've stood on my faith and upheld my personal standards because I knew I would find him. This makes it even more crazy that when faced with my hearts desire, I find myself pulling away. It's almost as if I'd rather take it away from myself instead of having it fall apart after I am in love and invested.

I've done a lot of soul searching lately. I've been asking myself what exactly is making me hesitate? Vulnerability isn't comfortable, but I think I have worked through that. The one thing that keeps coming back to me is that hesitation is a habit for me. To explain further, in the past my hesitation has saved me from being caught up in relationships that were not right for me. That survival instinct has been reinforced with every loser I've dated in the past and is stronger than ever. I thought I could but, I don't know if I can turn it off.

This instinct takes the form of a voice that points out every single thing that could possibly be wrong. But like good versus evil, there will automatically be some type of clarity or revelation that shows me that this is exactly what the right thing looks like. I am having this emotional tug of war in my head without ever saying a word. Strangely enough, the more time I dedicate to thinking about it, the more I begin to daydream and even fantasize and become dreamy (my face is totally twisted & contorted in disbelief)...

Ultimately, good does overpower evil. Instead of pulling away from love, I am finding myself pulling away from my old habit of self preservation. I value the instincts that have gotten me this far in life. They saved me when I needed to be saved. And it is true that not all people deserve all of the benefits of our love, affection, and admiration. But there will be times in life where you will find those that deserve all of those things and it is only fair to them, that they should receive them.

Never Single But Always Alone

I have a few friends who are never single. Over the years they have managed to seamlessly move from one relationship to another. I've always wondered how they managed to do this. My relationships have been few & far between because I consider myself a quality over quantity type of person. Even though they seem to really be in love and attracted to these guys, the fact that they can transition so easily makes me doubt the sincerity & depth of their true feelings.

I had one friend who was with her guy for the longest time. They did everything together. They were so cute. But when he cheated on her and tried crawling back, we were just as surprised as he was that she had not only moved on, but had moved in with another guy. No time for any grass to grow beneath her feet. We thought that maybe she was doing it to get underneath the first guy's skin, but she ended up living with that second guy for many years. And when that relationship ended, she went right into another one with another guy. I just sit here shaking my head and wondering where she finds her pool of winners...

After discussing it with a mutual friend, we gathered that some people are not happy unless they are hooked up with someone or apart of a couple. When I say not happy, I mean they can not live without another person. And after mulling it over, it isn't that she is picking all winners, it just seems that she is able to accept a lot of flaws and keep the relationship moving toward her ultimate goal of "relationship" status. He may be the first to approach her, but she will go with the flow and become so consumed that before even the guy knows it, they are an item! She plans their dates and sets the agenda for their relationship and never loses track or focus. She doesn't care how it looks or if other people think of her relationship as lacking depth. There is a basic need for her to be in a relationship and nothing comes before that goal.

She says she loves being a girlfriend and feeling needed. And she seems to gravitate toward men who need a woman's touch. They appreciate her choosing their clothes or fixing their lunch. They want a mother figure, and she is always there to fill that gap for them. She is a beautiful girl both inside & out. Their parents always love her, and assist her in convincing the guy that she is what they need. She has this game down to a science but I often wonder if this will be enough for her in the long run. I mean who cares what it looks like if you aren't genuinely happy. How can she be complacent with stretching and pulling a guy into being what she needs? And can he really be stretched and pulled into Mr. Right?

I think we all know the answer to that question. This just shows that a totally sensible person can be in denial about the reasons they choose a mate. And it also proves that many of the relationships that look great from the outside can be based on the shakiest of principles. Nevertheless, these principles are indeed important to these women. There is something that makes them value being in these types of relationships over being alone. Being alone is the absolute worst case scenario for them. But as a single woman, I can honestly say I'd rather be alone than to use another person to bide my time.

Why Am I Afraid of Butterflies?

I know this may seem like such a silly question and even sillier fear to have, but I woke up this morning realizing that butterflies scare me. Not the proverbial butterfly with wings that flutter around from flower to flower. I am talking about that feeling in your stomach that you get when you are excited about something. I can tell my level of emotion for a man by if I get butterflies or not.

The first time I got that "feeling" was in 4th grade. I sat next to a boy that I'd liked since 3rd grade. He liked me too but we didn't know what to do. In 3rd grade we were friends, but after the butterflies came, we both clammed up. My palms would sweat, and I was afraid that if I even looked at him, he'd know all of the feelings I had for him. It made me very nervous, and for the first time, I felt vulnerable. We eventually were able to put all of our butterflies aside, and began passing notes. He would buy me candy and walk me home from school. We'd talk on the phone, and do our homework together. At the end of 4th grade, he gave me my very first kiss. I must say that it was far sweeter than any of the candy he gave me.

Since then, I've gotten them a few more times but it's been a while since a man truly gave me butterflies. Lately, I've been getting them more and more. I am realizing that my new "friend" excites me more than I am comfortable with. I seem to revert back to 4th grade and get the sweaty palms and nervousness. What's worse is the vulnerability I feel. And because nobody likes being uncomfortable, I tend to look for any and every reason to get the hell away from this situation. It's like I still don't know what to do! Indeed, those butterflies scare the hell out of me!

For goodness sakes, I've dated nose pickers, whore mongers, and dirt bags yet I flee from butterflies? When there was a case of miscommunication, although I was ready to bolt and just give up, he calmly reassured me and squashed the whole situation. I really appreciated that he understood that being vulnerable is no fun for anybody. And his concern with making sure that I did not lose trust in him was very endearing. I found myself being more attracted to him for being so accountable and responsible. And with the way he handled it, I had no choice but to listen to reason. There was no big blow up. There was no disrespect. There was a glitch. And he handled it. I really can't ask for anything more than that. Even though it seemed a little difficult for him, he laid his cards on the table. His effort made me want to step my game up! That conversation solidified why he excites me so much. Worsening the butterflies...

In this situation, the butterflies represent something new & unknown, but also something beautiful and uncontrollable. I've seen so much and although I am open for love, I am afraid of being hurt. I am not one to live my life in fear. Today I am going forward and facing my vulnerability and my fears. Today, I am going to enjoy my butterflies and appreciate them for what they are. Instead of being afraid, I have decided to allow myself to be excited. Instead of feeling vulnerable, I will allow myself to feel safe with him. Starting this chapter is unknown territory, but I am going to allow myself to enjoy it instead of being afraid or intimidated by it. Long live the butterflies!

Love or Lust?

One of the hottest relationships I've ever had was with a man who was able to satisfy me physically. The passion was so intense, and the time we spent together now seems like a total blur. Conversations, phone calls, texts all led to us being together. Inseparable. We'd sometimes only leave bed to take care of those things that could not be avoided such as working, running errands, and family functions. At the time, I could have sworn I loved him, but now I wonder if it was just lust.

Whats the difference between having an electrical physical connection, and love? If they are both dynamic forms of emotion that can overwhelm your body and soul couldn't they both be the same? As I think back to all of the hand holding, and affection I also recall feeling trapped. Being so close to another person all of the time would make me feel almost claustrophobic. Yet some of our biggest fights were about one of us leaving the other's presence.

As strange as it sounds, when you spend all of your time with one person it may be hard to grow in other areas. We were both successful at work and other ventures we took up, but it seemed that our families and friends thought we were in our own little world. We let very few people in. We spent hours upon hours talking and walking and sharing our thoughts and ideas. But when it came down to it, we couldn't let each other go long enough to execute any of them. That type of clinging hurt us tremendously. We never learned how to be together, and still be all of the things that our lives called for us to be. We became insecure and jealous of anything that took us away from each other. And our time together became fewer and farther between.

Love does not deprive you of anything. It gives you more of what you need. In my experience, you are better for it. You are strong within it, and can tackle anything with love as your security blanket. Being one of the seven deadly sins, lust is very powerful and not to be underestimated. It is very similar to love and it often takes on the same shape and form. We did ourselves such a dis-service by relying so heavily on our physical connection. Instead of working on venturing out and still being able to come back together, we just gave up. Craving some one's attention and affection can manifest into addiction. Some of the most unhealthy relationships stem from people not wanting their partner to live or function in life without them. People have told me to just let it go, but we haven't found it to be that easy. Like any addiction, you have to first be convinced that something is bad for you before you want to leave it alone. And for years we held out hope that maybe we were not as toxic for each other as the world seemed to think.

As time went by, we were unable to get our footing and establish a firm foundation for our relationship. But we were able to easily fall of the wagon, and right back into the physical connection that we have always shared. No words, no changes. Just us. Sometimes we would just sit there for hours in silence because we knew our issues were too big to even go into. And if we did go into them, where to begin? So we took the cowardly way out and left things as is until the next relapse.

What's odd about these sort of "relationships" is that when you are in them, you don't see the harm you are doing to yourself and the other person. It is a totally selfish and evasive way to handle things. Nothing gets solved yet you are still emotionally invested. So you can not really move on and in the back of your mind, you are thinking that you can always lean on that crutch. The love/lust rope can tangle you up so much that you may justify your involvement by masking it as love. It seems silly to continue something that is bad for you just for lust but we do it all of the time. As difficult as it may be, we need to focus on untangling ourselves from anything that is not beneficial to us. Lust is just another form of settling. We must be strong enough to look lust in the face for what it really is and run (don't walk) in the opposite direction. And we can only do that one day at a time. Second by second, we must make the choice to only invest ourselves in something that can bare the fruit we need to sustain ourselves.

Can One Become "Addicted" to Dating?

While in pursuit of Mr. Right, I've found myself in a perpetual stream of dates. I remember the expression that said you may have to kiss lots of frogs before you find your prince. With that in mind, I don't get discouraged when things don't work out the way that I would like after the first few dates. Being an eternal optimist, I chalk it up and keep moving. After watching, listening, and reading my blog entries, a friend asked me if I thought that I may be addicted to dating. He even said that I may not be giving some of the "frogs" equal opportunity to become my prince because I am more intrigued by the newness of a relationship and all of the possibilities that lie ahead before you get to see some one's flaws. Once the newness wears off, he says that I seem to get bored and move on too quickly.

Who does not enjoy the honeymoon phase of relationships? I retorted that I am a fair person, but I live my life like a honeymoon. This has nothing to do with any type of fear of commitment. I take each day as an opportunity to have fun, and learn something new. I take nothing for granted and have committed wholeheartedly to past relationships. Unfortunately, a lot of people in general do not live their lives with those sentiments. Let alone, the men that I have dated. I have seen lots of human flaws and am not the type to judge someone unless those qualities are such that I can not bare to deal with on a day to day basis. I am truly an equal opportunity dater.

As far as being addicted to dating, I am. Even when in a relationship, I found that I made an effort to keep it hot & exciting. I would be fine with dating the same man over and over if we were able to keep it fun & honeymoonish. In the relationships that I have seen that have lasted the longest & where the people involved seemed most happy, those people all say that they had to work at it. I have also found this true in my longest relationships. I am totally willing to put my work in, and am only looking for someone who will do the same. Being addicted to happiness is not a crime. But being in a relationship that no longer excites you should be.

I had to wonder if my friend would have the same opinion if I waited until the relationship was already established to move on. Only because the excitement can leave at any time. If it leaves before the relationship even gets off of the ground, you would be a fool to continue. Why get more involved and invested if there are clear indications of incompatibility in the beginning? I am done with charity. Self doubt and second guessing the things that are most important to me in my relationships have only led to disaster. Of course there are many other factors in keeping a relationship together, but if you are no longer excited, all you end up doing is wandering elsewhere anyway and I am not a cheater. My friend says that there could be a man that is perfect for me in every other way, and that I should be able to "work on" creating and maintaining that excitement. I simply told him that if I need to "work on" anything during the dating stage, I may need to re-think if the person I am dating is right for me and move on to the next frog.

I was sad that my friend thinks that I take my prospects lightly. I believe that overall, most people are more good than bad. I get excited that I may be that much closer to the right one for me. It truly is a let down when I find that we aren't compatible but I can not take it personally. I have and will continue working on myself in order to be the best person I can be for my mate, but I will not compromise what really matters to me. We only get one life. As long as I have realistic expectations of what I can offer and accept, I will continue on my path until my prince is found. It is up to each individual to set their own standards. I make no apologies for loving and enjoying life and searching for someone who can do that with me on terms that I can live with. And I told him that he shouldn't either.

Once Trust is Lost, Can it Ever Be Regained?

Relationships often don't work out because something happens where trust is lost or compromised. Since it is one of the basic building blocks of a firm foundation, I wonder sometimes if trust is lost, can it ever be regained?

Our minds seem to be a storage tank that holds all of our values, ideas, and opinions. Subconsciously we seem to be making decisions and opinions without even noticing the factors that our mind is using as a basis for these thoughts. So when there is an issue with trust, our mind goes over data that has been previously gathered to assess if this extension of trust (like credit) is high risk or low risk. We not only use our own personal experiences with the individual but also use the stored knowledge & opinions of how we notice that individual interacting with others to assess how trustworthy they are.

Because honesty can be subjective (if the other person doesn't know what's truth vs. A lie), its often a judgement call or moral choice to be honest. Many times its simply easier to lie. Telling the truth can open up a can of worms that can get you in much deeper (even if it is the right thing to do). It takes courage to tell the truth. The virtuous path is often the loneliest. A lot of my admiration & respect for my friends has come from their integrity & honesty. Over time, I noticed that when under pressure, they chose the truth. Because once its in your nature, you just are honest & forthright and because of that, people trust you. The ramifications of the truth become benefits.

You are only as good as your word. At the end of the day, when your mind is processing all of the information and looking back over the people you have encountered, you note the people who did what they said they would do. You trust the people who do this consistently. And if someone told just a small one, you may be able to look past it. If its a habit or they are known for telling whoppers, you may become leery of them and not even trust them with the truth when they are genuine.

I have a friend who is a compulsive liar. He lies about everything. Things that aren't even so important, he will lie about. He is a good person, and that is why he is still a friend, but even after 20 years, I still find myself doubting everything he says because I am constantly catching him in lies. We are not as close anymore because it is too much work to try to figure out if he is being dishonest or not. And I realized that because he is consistent with his story telling, it is only a matter of time before his lies have an impact on me. I wish that he realized that he did not have to lie to be a likable person. While he is thinking that those made up things make him an asset, I think it brings his property value down. It also makes him seem superficial and fake which outweighs the many good things about him. At this point, his reputation for being a liar proceeds him and I wouldn't trust him with the simplest things.

This same friend could have easily regained my trust simply by telling the truth. He could have started at anytime. I can tell you that if he could have made it a point to work through the discomfort he felt when being truthful, we could have begun to rebuild the trust in our friendship. I would never be able to forget all of the lies he has already told, but I could learn to forgive him. I've offered him this chance time and time again. As it stands, he still thinks there is nothing wrong and that his friendship should outweigh the lies. So I have given up. I have too many lessons that I am still learning in life to try to teach someone how to be a good friend to me.

In an essence, with a lot of hard work and love, trust that has been lost, can truly be regained. The key to rebuilding trust is that you have to begin with admitting that you were wrong. You must be willing to make restitution for what has happened. Don't expect to have a clean slate, but to have another chance. Work with the broken pieces and try to make it whole again. But just like anything that is broken, it may never be the same. Expect the person who was wronged to have their days where their faith may waiver. Don't let that discourage you. Just work harder and reassure them. In time, the doubts will subside. If not, you may need to re-evaluate the relationship and see if it can be saved. Ultimately you will find that if both parties can put forth an effort to fix it, (no matter how damaged it may seem) you can still make something very beautiful together.

How Many Consecutive Dates Can a Girl Have Before She is Deemed a "Hoe"?

I recently read an article about a famous singer going out on dates with a few famous men in the course of a week. She recently broke up with her ex, and many were surprised to see she was rebounding with some attractive suitors so soon. At the end of the story, there were posts from different readers who were advising her to space out her dates or risk being deemed a "hoe". I found this idea ridiculous for people who live in 2009. These were not the comments of baby boomers who were born in the 50's and 60's, but of young people who appeared to be in their early to mid 20's.

Since when does being seen with someone mean you are sleeping with them? Aren't people allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? And with all the girl has gone through, how can anyone deprive her of any example of decent gentleman or human affection that someone wants to bestow upon her? It always amazes me how in this day & age, people can be so judgemental of women playing the field when men do it all the time.

Being an attractive young woman, this young lady was probably sought after even when she was with her ex. In addtion to that she is famous & has the creme of the crop to choose from. Decisions, decisions...She would be a fool not to take advantage of what the world has to offer. And I say this to most women, and especially young girls: There are so many men out there, how else can you find out what you like or dislike if you have no experience with them? And for the record, I do not condone sleeping with men you are just dating. Once you start sleeping with them, it seems to cross the line from dating, to relationship no matter what the boundaries may be. But dating & getting to know different people is more than just fine--it's encouraged! Dating can be fun, and lets face it we all like to get our ego boosted back up after a bad breakup. My mother used to say the best cure for an old love is to find a new one.

Sometimes, I think that men say those things about women because they like to think that women can only focus on one man at a time. Or they like the idea of a woman growing old as a chaste spinster pining away for her lost love, than to see her so openly moving on and recovering. And then of course there is jealousy at the woman's many options, and maybe even possible that he is jealous that he has no chance to be an option. But men have been calling us sluts and whores for reasons other than our sexual choices for centuries. But What puzzles me the most is the number of women who say this about other women. If she is not sleeping with them, how can she be a hoe? And as a woman, you should be able to identify with this more than men. I think it's more jealousy than outdated values that move women to say such things. Jealousy at the options that they wish they had...youth or beauty that they don't have. That and the parrot syndrome...when women just say things in agreement with men to gain their favor.

In an essence: she shouldn't have to go around clarifying if she is sleeping with them either. Even if she wanted to be a straight up gutter butt stank hoe, as long as she isn't hurting anyone or spreading any diseases, we should care less how many dates someone goes on. I could only hope that they are doing whatever it takes to be happy in their life. Hell, we should all be focused on our own personal lives! Most need work. Because ultimately, minding someone else's business means you surely aren't minding your own as much as you should be. Live and let live.

Is There a Soul Mate for Everyone?

Although I am playing the numbers game as far as dating, I have not had that many serious relationships. I have been in love many times, but I do not ever recall thinking that I'd found my "Soul Mate" until my last relationship.

As awful as some aspects of that relationship were, I remembered thinking that I had never been happier. It was not about love or sex, but the sense of familiarity and comfort that peaked and never dwindled over such a long period of time. There was an intimacy that went beyond the physical and it is hard for me, even now, to put it in a category with any other relationship. I still believe that relationship helped define me as a person more so than any other.

So when it does not work out with your "Soul Mate" what do you do? Since you can not just shrivel up and die or give up, you have to keep going. I believe that there is a such thing as a "Soul Mate" and that they are made perfectly for you. There is not even the slightest alteration or persuasion that is necessary when dealing with them. There is growth, and love, and you overcome challenges together.

What I can now appreciate about that relationship is that it helped me define the things that constitute being my "Soul Mate". And where I used to focus on all of the things that bonded us together, it was really the things that broke us apart that needed to be noted. Those little things were not so small. In fact, they were big enough to break us away from each other. They were the very indicators that he was NOT my "Soul Mate". Close...but not quite. After many years of holding those characteristics close to me, I realize it is time to let them go in order to get the whole package from someone else. See, it's knowing that someone can come so close that reinforces my belief that if you hold out for who is right for you, you can have the happiness you want. If you occupy your time with someone who you know is not the one, you may never find out if it gets any better.

I am not saying to jump ship at the first sign of trouble, but there are some things that we know can not be changed. There are words that can not be unspoken and deeds that can not be undone. And even when those things happen, we may be inclined to hang on because it may be the closest thing to our ideal person that we've ever come across. And who knows, given some time and space, you may still end up with that person, but you should not have to force it take any abuse for that to happen. Finding your "Soul Mate" should be a beautiful thing for those who are looking for it...for those who believe.

As humans, we should be ever changing and always learning. That includes our souls. We need different things at different times in our lives. The person we choose to spend our lives with, the person who is made perfectly for us, will be changing and growing with us. We will not outgrow them or take them for granted. They will not just be the closest thing we've come across. And because of the bumps and bruises of the past, we will be appreciative and welcoming when they come into our lives. We will know them when we see them and there will be no question. And because their role is so important, it may take lots of patience. After all, it's their experiences in life that will make them perfect for you and they may not have learned all that they need to know in order to be perfect for you yet. The waiting is the toughest part, but there is no rushing perfection if you truly believe your "Soul Mate" is out there. And I do believe that there is a "Soul Mate" for everyone. So be patient in your pursuit and humble in your acceptance and know they are out there and made perfectly for you.

Bad Habits Die Hard...

So I had a magnificent date! There were all of the key things you look for in a good date. He was funny, attractive, and very intelligent. We talked and laughed, and laughed and talked. We tasted different wines and he offered me his expertise and made the decision on which one we would settle on. I've been out with this guy before, and he always shows me something new and always a good time. Although he is a bit younger, he is very worldly and well versed. His attire was impeccable, he smelled divine, and he was a true gentleman. As he tucked me into his Mercedes (and all but put my seat belt on for me) I thought to myself "could he be the one?"...

We were back at my place having yet another bottle of wine. We were knee deep in conversation and having some intense eye contact when out of nowhere his hand flies up to his face, right into his nose, and does a quick dig. I could not believe my eyes. He picked his nose right in front of me! My mind didn't know what to process first, the act itself, or keeping up with what he did with those fingers next! Look, I know that one of my issues is with germs. Touching a public door handle freaks me out. But I try not to be too anal. And I've certainly learned to pick my battles on the dating court but this was going too far. I kept thinking that he was going to wipe his hand somewhere, and that it better not be on my ecru sofa or on me! It was almost like he didn't even realize he did it or that it was offensive. It was such a swift and well crafted gesture that if I had turned away, I may not have noticed it at all. But I'm glad I did because that is just nasty! So here I am wondering: is a guy picking his nose on a date a deal breaker?

Ok, so he is a sweetheart, has a very good career and is so handsome that he could model! But it's because he was so polished that he should have known better. I found it hard to believe he didn't know enough not to pick his nose in a lady's presence. He was in a suit jacket for goodness sake! If he were a cocaine addict or compulsive gambler it would be easier to put into perspective. But this could be something he could easily change or at least hide. (Would hiding it be acceptable?)

I must admit that this incident put a damper on the evening, and I ended up doing my usual "runaway date" act where I fake an emergency. I was really disappointed. I was giving this guy the green light. I really liked him. A friend told me not to discount him over something so small compared to all of his other attributes. But I really don't know if I can deal with such a habit. And it isn't the sort of thing that you can mention to someone and hope that they will just stop.

Besides all of this, I had another date (not so long ago) where the guy did the same thing and then proceeded to put his fingers in his mouth and I almost lost my lunch. I don't know why digging in one's nose is so appealing. Because you are using your own fingers as the instrument, and then you have nowhere to put whatever goldmine you find up there. This habit seems to really be hard to break because I've seen people doing it everywhere, especially driving. And what is the fascination with tasting it? That is even worse than the act of nose picking. And if they are nose pickers, does that lead to eventually tasting it? I don't know how this works, but there has got to be some type of intervention available right?

Everyone has bad habits. And nobody is perfect. So what to do? This truly is not the worst thing in the world, but nevertheless, it is a dilemma. I enjoy my time with him and he really likes me. We both want the same things out of life, and we have a very intense attraction to one another. I am still trying to find out if this is something I can tolerate, or if I can get him to stop it! I know there are some things that you must tolerate within a relationship. I guess it's just up to the individual to gage. I think I am going to try again, and if it happens again, I am just going to call him out on it and remind him that we aren't 5 years old anymore and that picking his nose is not acceptable. If he continues and just can't help himself, I will have to do more soul searching, but hopefully he will be as considerate about this as he is about everything else, and just break the habit. Cross your fingers...

Do the People in Our Lives Have Expiration Dates?

A friend of mine offered me the analogy that people are in our lives for a season. She said that some seasons are longer than others. She stressed knowing when the season was over in order to move forward. My mind scanned over many of my relationships with people; my family, my friends, boyfriends, even my enemies. Other than someone dieing, I realized that I've always had control over how long those seasons lasted in my life.

Life gets tough sometimes. Dead weight can sink you. Sometimes in an effort to preserve one's own sanity, and even survival, we find ourselves severing relationships. I think when we are younger, we don't fully understand the concept. We just accept everyone who comes into our lives and deal with them. As our opinions and expectations grow stronger, we begin to form our own sets of beliefs and values. As we do that, we tend to surround ourselves with like minded individuals. We choose people who support us and enhance our lives in some way. Even our family members become favorite cousins, or favorite uncles/aunts etc. We love (and hate) based on what we believe and value.

Sometimes the people close to us change and their views become so different from ours that we begin to question if their presence in our lives are still valid. Are they enhancing or hindering growth and progress? The answer to this often dictates one's season. Even if we don't recognize it or feel it, we are all learning and growing and forming new values and opinions every day. Our goals and just life in general takes us all in different directions. If one were to just ride the wave, we could easily grow so far away from the people we love and value in life. It truly takes effort to hold on to the positive relationships we find in life. Many times you have to reach out and grab those people in order for your lives to stay close while still growing. So when we find that some of our closest relationships are no longer enhancing our lives, it is sometimes easier to cut them loose. And other times, we hinder our own growth by holding on to people whose season has passed.

Their season being over does not mean that the person is bad, or that you may never see them again. It just means that your lives are no longer growing in the same paths that can keep you as close as you used to be. Recently I have been going over some relationships that I have fought to keep close in my life. I wonder sometimes, if I have not hindered my own growth by holding on to the past. The longer the tenure, it seems that we hold the relationship with more esteem. We count the years, reminisce on the past, and commend ourselves for holding on. But at what price? Could it ever be worth it to hinder your own progress in an effort to continue a friendship of 20 years? What if it were your mother? Your child?

Its a judgement call. And you won't ever know if you did the right thing. I think we just have to focus on growth. Whatever that means to you. Our lives will keep going no matter what until our season is over. Each individual has to decide which relationships are worth it to them. Which ones make their heart smile? Which ones give them a headache? Which ones stunt growth, and which ones make them better...We can't keep everyone. We simply will not be able to grow with everyone. And we will often find that it is our season that has passed in some one's life. To move forward, we must pick the people that are the most loving & encouraging while allowing us the most growth as possible on our life's path and even then, we will still be at the mercy of the elements.

How Long Does It Really Take to Move On?

A friend of mine was very upset that her ex had moved on. They have been broken up for 2 months now, and she called me to vent & get some advice because she found out that he was now dating someone else. She seemed to be most upset that he was able to do so in such a short amount of time. We agreed to meet at the park and go for a walk. As we talked & walked, she was truly heartbroken and upset. She explained that although they had broken up, they had not broken away from each other. They still spoke on the phone, and even had a sexual relapse on more than one occasion. Because of this, she thought that they were in the process of working on their issues and reconciling. She had no idea that he was even interested in other women. As she spoke, her emotion turned to anger, and she expressed that she was really pissed that while she was working on their issues, he was playing the bachelor. She was still reserving his spot in her heart and she was angry that he was not doing the same for her.

It was about more than him moving on. It was the way he did it that stuck in her craw. As I listened I totally understood. It reminded me of the Rachel/Ross situation on friends where Ross slept with someone else after he felt that Rachel broke up with him. Rachel maintained that they were not broken up, but were "on a break". There is a serious difference in the way that men & women interpret behavior in the opposite sex. Unfortunately since so many people are so guarded with their emotions, a lot of behavior is subject to interpretation.

After the blow up, she took it as an argument. He took it as a break up. And then after the ordeal, since they were still incommunicado, she figured the commitment was still there and that there were just issues to work on. On the other hand, he saw it as a break up but he was having a difficult time in letting go. While she was working on issues, he was working on distance, and was doing that with someone else. Because he gave up so quickly, she began to question if his feelings were ever genuine. But I am with her in wondering how he could go from one relationship into another so quickly?

Its funny because she may never know the answer to that question. By there being another woman involved she wants to resolve the situation in her mind so that she can move on. But I have a feeling that even though there is another woman, she may not be as much of a threat to their reconciliation as my friend may think. He may just be doing the best he can to cope because he doesn't know what else to do. Some people don't know how to argue. When the going gets tough, they get the hell out of there. Or they hit below the belt or never look back because they have a "renter's mentality" about relationships. They don't fully invest themselves because they want to be ready to hit the escape hatch as soon as the going gets rough. By her emotion, I could tell that she was invested. But who knows? He just may not know how to invest himself or what that looks like. And its important that when in a relationship you know if your mate is in it for the long haul, or just in it for the good times only.

I asked her if she thought that she would be able to have a conversation with him about that. If she could put her anger & emotion aside (because that often distracts people from listening to your real point), and just explain how she felt. After all, if the relationship was over she had nothing to lose, but if it was worth saving, why not lay it all out there? If he still wanted to go their separate ways, she could do so knowing she did what she could. I also told her to be ready for it to go either way. You never know with these things, and I didn't want her to be even more upset if it didn't go her way. If this is the way he deals with conflict, it's best to know now. I told her not to take it personally because a lot of the way that we deal with conflict is learned at an early age and very hard to undo.

Sometimes people have moved on, and haven't even broken up yet. So ultimately it is not about the length of time it takes for one to move on after a break up. What matters is that they have moved on. If she finds that he really has moved on, she must do the same. She shouldn't be stuck on the formalities of how it was done, or how long, or with whom. I told her that when it happened to me, I took it as a lesson in the type of mate I wanted. I know I am a strong woman and it takes a strong man to catch me when I slip. And that means finding a mate that agrees with me about the respect remaining even when we argue...someone who knows that along with the good days, we will have some bad ones and will be ok with sticking them out with me, and who knows that sleeping with someone else or establishing any other relationships would be the end of ours. I told her that if it is time to move on, it just means that she will get another chance with someone else to make sure her expectations are set in the beginning and if they aren't of one accord on what the principles of the relationship should be, she should just keep movin'. (I still have my fingers crossed & am rooting for him though!)

Can Men & Women Be "Just Friends"?

I pose this question because I used to think it was possible for men & women to have close platonic friendships, but as time goes by I'm learning that it may not be a true possibility. A woman can size up if she is attracted to a guy within the first meeting. First she sizes up the physical upon approach. She assesses his words, mannerisms, and hygiene right away. Most often times, if he is attractive to her, and all of those things meet her approval, she will make the mental note that he has the green light. From what men have told me, the rules aren't as rigid. He can decide from across the room. And sometimes, even if he doesn't feel attracted to her, if she hangs around long enough she can win him over.

So lets say that the woman decides the man does not meet her standards, and for whatever reason, she is not attracted to him. Instead of being rude, or shooting him down right away, and if they have something in common, she will at least try to make a friend. Even though in her mind there isn't any chance, the guy looks at it as if there is still a possibility so he will agree to be just a close personal friend...

In one case that I've seen, the two were friends for years. After the guy (seemingly) got over the fact that she was going to keep saying no, he tried communicating with her on a "just friends" level. Although she was fine with it, she noticed that he still made flirty remarks, and often ogled her to the point it made her uncomfortable. When she confronted him, he apologized and said he would try to keep it together. Yet and still, when they would go out for drinks, he was always there buy her more drinks than she needed and still flirting. Always aware of her lack of attraction, and his hidden attraction, she became leery of him. Because of her distrust of him, she ended the friendship. It didn't seem to her as if the friendship was coming from the right place, and deep down she knew if she didn't trust him, he wasn't really her friend.

In another case, the woman's boyfriend had a friend who always hung around. They often went on double dates together and had lots of fun. After many years, the relationship broke up but the friend always kept in touch. One night they decided to go out together and have fun, and she was very surprised when he made a pass at her. What men fail to understand about the "friend" word is that it is almost the equivalent of another girlfriend, or a brother. Once you are in that category, there is very little that can be done to change your status if she is not attracted to you. And the more you try to persuade a woman of this, the more you come off as the incestuous cousin that doesn't understand cross breeding. His feelings were really hurt that she rejected him, but what was really perplexing to her was that she never gave any indication that she was the slightest bit attracted to him. He was simply going on the fact that he had NOT been rejected so far and took that as encouragement.

**Lets not confuse this with the term "friend with benefits". In this type of relationship there is a mutual attraction, but other reasons they can't make it work.**

So, based on my experience and what I've seen I do not believe that men & women can be close platonic friends unless they are totally not attracted to each other. And of course nobody wants to hear that someone is not attracted to them, but at least when you have that out in the open, you know where you stand. And if there is any sort of attraction, you have to wonder what the friendship is based on and what it's leading up to and deal with that. Because it is leading to something, and it probably won't go away on its own. People will wait it out if they think they have a chance somewhere down the line and use that friendship as a pretense for their way in. So the key is just being honest with yourself & your friend about if you are attracted or not. This way no body's feelings are hurt and no real friendships are lost.

Blame it on the Alcohol?

Why do people go out and drink so much that they embarrass themselves? I ask this because it never fails that I go out for drinks and somebody surpasses their limits and ends up stumbling around with their speech slurred, dancing all up on somebody. I must admit, it makes the night interesting just wondering what they will do next, but I often wonder how people get so out of their character? I've had my moments where I've had a little too much, but I've never started acting outside of my character or forget my manners.

So many people have blamed it on the alcohol when you ask them about their behavior afterwards. I do not understand this. I learned the hard way, just like many, about what my limits are. I've also learned what to do if I feel like I've drank too much or too fast (ice water & lots of it!). The only difference I have been told about was that my speech slurred, or that I laughed a lot more than usual. I certainly never lost my memory or forgot what matters to me. I've never gotten a report where my friends said that I did anything extreme or disrespected myself or anybody else for that matter.

There have been people that I thought I knew pretty well who used liquor as an excuse to do things like being rude, starting fights, and being promiscuous. Can you really blame those things on having one too many? I don't think alcohol has an extremely mind altering affect on people. I just think it amplifies your personality. I know lots of people who drink and don't get crazy with it. I don't know about you, but the worst thing in the world is to see the person you like out there with one too many. I know many don't share that sentiment, and think they are quite entertaining when they are out there sloppy drunk with funky breath dancing around speaking loudly. They are entertaining to those of us who don't care or love them.

I admire people who take responsibility for their actions. People who are responsible for their actions don't tend to have to apologize the next day for what they did while they were under the influence. Using alcohol to escape is the reason that most people knock one back, but taking it to the point where you are out there doing things you would be ashamed of later indicates a bigger problem. I'm not saying that this makes a person an alcoholic, but it does indicate alcohol abuse. I find it hard to take women seriously when they get sloppy drunk at the club, freak the guy down on the dance floor, take him home with her, and then be surprised when he isn't interested in them later. And I've heard some men say that they cheated simply because they had one too many. Come on! Who are you fooling? I've had liquor before. Liquor doesn't make you see unicorns and fairies or forget reality. You do those things because on some level, you wanted to.

Like I said, you live and learn and everybody is entitled to a few times but I know people who get this way every single time they drink. And it doesn't deter them from doing the same thing even harder the next time. I can tell you that when people see you this way it doesn't make them want to be around you because you are the life of the party. If they are drawn to you, it's for entertainment.

On one of my birthdays I had a party at my house. One of my sister's girlfriends must have thought it was her birthday because she got so drunk that she threw up all over my bathroom, had an accident in her clothes, and then proceeded to strip naked and had to be carried out of there. It was ironic to see how it broke the party up because the ladies were all concerned, but also giggling. My sister was totally embarrassed, and the men could have cared less. Another girl I went out with proceeded to get totally wasted before we even got to the party. By the time she got there she was so nauseous she threw up in the ice bucket at the table! She got angry at the suggestion of letting us take her home, and said she wanted to stay. Once I saw she was going to nurse the ice bucket all night (without emptying it--gross), I lined up a ride home for her and left her there. Another lady was one of my relatives friends but she was known for drinking too much and having accidents on herself all of the time. She would apologize profusely the next day, but then turn around and do it again and again.

Of course we are supposed to be responsible when we drink, but I don't think it is that simple for some people. Some people want that attention, some want that excuse to misbehave, and some just want to escape. Regardless of the reason, being drunk is not a good look on anyone. I think it is up to the individual to know the reasons they are drinking and try to gage it. Personally, I don't drink to get drunk. I am one of those people who is not comfortable with the lack of control I have over my body (speech, reflexes, balance). Because really when it's all said & done, you can really do serious damage (driving drunk, saying hurtful things, infringing on other people's good time because they have to "take care" of you), and you will only have yourself to blame.

Note: Please be responsible enough to not drink & drive!

Taking the Party With You

I can't think of a party without thinking of the party scene from Breakfast at Tiffany's. I saw it for the first time only a few years ago. Even though the movie is quite old, I still watched in awe at the party that she threw. Now that was a party! I was tickled at how Audrey Hepburn was the party girl I've always wanted to be. I've been the host of many a soiree, and must admit that I love a good party. The more, the merrier. The more outlandish, the better the story the next day. Good food, good friends, good cocktails got even better with my partner in crime.

We both liked the same things. We both could hold a conversation with anyone about anything, and outlast everyone else. We hit restaurants, bar & grills, barbecues, dance clubs, even Christmas parties. That year, we celebrated every holiday big! Who cared what holiday? We were just always excited at another chance to hang out together. We made our own party everywhere we went. We were like a conversational tag-team. We had one another's backs and at times, some told us that they felt left out. Each of us was known to whisk the other away from the crowd so we could compare notes and make private jokes. When we were ready to go, we'd "blow that pop stand" hand in hand and continue our party elsewhere.

I can recall a time I ended up at a Marina with friends. As he left work, he called to find out what I was doing. Sensing the distress in my voice at having a boring time, he drove to pick me up immediately. I was so glad to be rescued. We took our party to the nearest restaurant where we talked about everything while eating & drinking wine. We walked the streets by the water until dawn and laughed about everything. One time, I remember us posing for photos in one of those booths that take horrible pictures. I almost had a heart attack chasing him through the amusement park after he snatched the picture. I caught him and jumped on his back tickling him not even realizing we were making a scene! I still marvel at how we made our fun always. From playing cards all night long, to just sitting by the water & talking, we enjoyed ourselves together.

I tell this story because not everyone can bring the party with them. Not everyone has that positive, upbeat side that can take lemons & make the best lemonade you've ever tasted. I won't say that we never had our moments where it was going to take more than a party to save us, but overall we had a blast. I realize now that one of the things that I need most is laughter. I need to have fun. We all do. I like a person who doesn't take life for granted, and isn't afraid to grab the bull by the horns, but is ok to laugh about whatever the outcome should be.

I've noticed that a lot of people have such the pessimistic attitude. They are not afraid to set out to sink your battle ship. Grumpy, grouchy, or mad at the world...they are everywhere. Some of them want to be coaxed out of their shell and taught how to have fun, but sometimes even that is too much work. I've had enough bad things happen in life to milk the hell out of every moment that is NOT a tragedy or catastrophe. I love motivating and encouraging others, but sometimes, when I am having a moment I would like to be nurtured. That is what I recall most about my party equivalent. When he thought I was down or in need, he was there front and center with ideas, suggestions, and jokes. Laughter truly is the best medicine when you aren't feeling your best.

I am still the proverbial party girl. I love to meet new people and have interesting conversations. Not much has changed since I met him. Its just very nice to be able to take my act on the road with someone. Being able to provide and receive that comfort and shelter from the world can make all the difference in the world. So now, when I am asked what I like to do, I now know that it doesn't matter what you do so long as you are in good company.

Can One Person Love Two People at Once?

I'll start off by saying, I know there are different degrees of love. The question posed is referring to being "in love" with two people. (Not booty calls & jump-offs! If thats your love triangle skip straight to the last sentence below). I ask this because recently I've seen several examples of people (both men & women) who were in supposed "monogamous" relationships not only cheating with another, but also professing true love for both parties. My first inclination is to think that it's impossible, but is it really? Two different people can bring two different set of assets to the table however, we do not live in a society where this is acceptable. Maybe if you were able to approach a love triangle with truth and honesty and be allowed to love both parties openly, it seems like it would be a lot of work, but more possible than if it's a cheating/sneaking/lieing situation.

Love triangles by nature are just wrong. Someone is always the odd man out, and knows it. I've always thought of it like romantic musical chairs. Whoever that person is that is left out gets pissed. Because of this, most people aren't just openly loving other people. They are cheating behind closed doors and in whispers behind people's backs. Because the first party has a promise of love & fidelity, as long as the cheater reassures them, they usually don't complain. The odd man out, who usually sleeps alone only has promises of the future to keep them warm at night. In the examples I've seen, the cheater is able to paint such vivid pictures, and establish such a strong connection that the odd man in inspired to hope for a future and professes love for them too. This encourages the cheating. But could this type of situation bare fruit to any sort of love?

I don't necessarily believe in Polygamy, but I found it interesting to see how they are able to take the shameful elements (cheating/sneaking/lieing) out of the equation. They tend to be honest & upfront with whomever they get involved with from the beginning about that belief. And from what I've seen on the cable television show, when they are ready to bring in another, they approach it together. And it did not seem to be based on just having sex, or the thrill of sneaking around, or deceiving anyone. Of course I don't know if that's accurate, but I like how they depict the people as being open, honest, and caring. In this case it seemed as if being (genuinely) in love with more than one person at once could be possible.

Since most of us are not Polygamists, nobody I know will probably ever be able to approach a love triangle with honesty. It's selfish to keep two people in emotional bondage just because you don't want to choose. Life is full of tough choices and we live in a culture where we are conditioned to expect to be the only one. An honorable person who aspires to be in a healthy relationship would just have to make a choice. Never mind how it should never get that far in the first place, but if it does, we owe it to ourselves and the people we love to be honest about the type of relationship we really want to be in. If the eye is wondering, & unless you live in a Polygamist Community, you may want to focus on either improving the relationship your in, or simply getting out of it & moving on. Love is a lot of things but it certainly is not greedy.

Did Someone Say Cougar?

The single life calls for you to leave no stone unturned. In my adventures, I've dated all types of men: younger men, older men, men my age, men of other races. I am open to the possibilities. I must admit that as I've gotten older, I've become more attracted to younger men. I am not ashamed to say that one of the stones I rolled over lead me to enroll on one of those online dating sites. I was taken aback when the majority of possible suitors were as young as 18. I am always honest about my age. I show a few photos, and am absolutely straight forward with what I am looking for.

I know that men hit their sexual peak in their twenties, and women in their thirties. But there is much more to it than physical attraction. I haven't gone out with anyone who was still in their teens, but I have dated several younger men and let me tell you what I really liked about them:

They seem to be more fun-loving. They weren't stuck in their ways. And they were more apt to roll with the punches. Along with that, they seemed to be up for a reciprocal relationship ie, something more balanced. In the past when I've dated older men, they seemed tired and grouchy. Some of them were moody, and wanted me to wait on them hand & foot or be at their beck and call. One of them followed me when I said I was going out with my girlfriends, and proceeded to call me on my cell all night. (Insecurity is unattractive at any age) When he later confessed to being so insecure (and stalkerish), I dumped him. Another older man that I dated thought he could just throw money at me instead of taking me out and having a good time together. He just wanted me around to show his friends, and I soon became resentful.

To me, age is a state of mind. I am an energetic, vibrant, fun loving woman who has never looked or felt better than I do right now. I would date a man of any age if he possessed carefree qualities AND was a charismatic gentleman. I was watching a reality show where an older woman had her choice of several different younger suitors. After some silly remarks from some, and a lot of immature antics, she verbalized her concern for if she was doing the right thing. I could identify with her because although she was older than they, she was a really good catch. She had a lot going for her being that she took care of herself, was very ambitious, was very successful in her field,and looked great. She said that many men her age, weren't looking for women like her, and she was tired of being alone but did not want to settle. She emphasized that although some of the young men were certainly not her type, she found herself excited at the possibilities.

That's what it all comes down to. Being excited at the possibilities. I don't think you have to exclude or include only certain types either. Who was it that said "Variety is the spice of life..."?My friends have laughed at me for my choice in dating younger men, but I have never regretted allowing them a fair chance. Some of them have been all wrong, but others have been closer to what I am looking for than any other age group. I am not on the prowl looking for anybody. But when they approach me, I don't automatically turn them down. However I will hold them to the same standards that I would have for any prospective partner. And many of them have welcomed the challenge and have gone all out to show me that my faith in them was warranted. Some could not hang. I'll tell you what: it feels good to be pursued and appreciated. I don't care how old the man is, as long as he is good to me, and good for me, I'm all for it. Equal opportunity.

So, to my girls who (lovingly I'm sure) referred to me as a Cougar I say: Call me what you want. I love you, but I don't care. I am not breaking any laws or compromising anything. I am simply expanding my options. Being open to those who show interest and you're attracted to is no crime. If that tends to be younger men, so what? I'm doing what I have to do to find happiness in this life. I am no hypocrite, and when men do it, I don't think less of them. We all have our choices & preferences.

A Good Match...

Let me preface by saying that I've written a few times about fix ups that did not go so well, so I thought that I'd give an example of a fix up that went well...

In one of my college courses, I met one of the funniest women ever. She was very vocal during class which normally would annoy me, but her comments were so off the wall, you just had to laugh. It was a nice way to break up the monotony, and she kept us all very entertained. We'd even hang out on the breaks, and when she needed a ride I began dropping her off at home every day. We'd become great friends.

When she offered to "hook me up" with a guy she knew, I was very skeptical. She was very different than I was, and I remembered about how other people's taste may not be your own...I remember how she kept promising to hook us up, but it took quite a while, and I'll be honest, I was less than enthused. One weekend, she asked me to go with her to meet him. To my surprise this guy was so tall, dark, and handsome it was crazy. On top of that, he just seemed like a very cool person. As usual, my friend did most of the talking, and I just kind of sat there wondering what his story could be. He was too attractive & sweet to be true. I noticed that he wasn't saying so much, but we did connect a few times during the evening. He was a good host, and when I got a call to come into work & had to leave, I was deeply disappointed and to my surprise, he was also. I promised to come back & visit him with her the following weekend and we parted ways.

On the ride back to her place she asked me what I thought, and I gave her a high five! He was very nice and down to earth. I asked about him being so quiet, and she assured me that this was just his demeanor. I found myself excited at the possibilities. After the final, we lost touch for a few weeks. I was so disappointed that I wouldn't get the chance to meet him again. Whe she resurfaced, I only spoke to her briefly, and we never set up another date to visit the mystery man.

I got a call at 3am. A man with a deep voice just said "wake up". Not being a person who loves to play games on the phone in the wee hours of the morning, I asked who he was. He just said "its your secret admirer"...I asked him again & when he repeated his prior sentence, I hung up & went back to sleep. Only to have the same banter again the next evening. The second time he gave a little more detail. He described the things he "admired" about me until I cut him off and demanded he identify himself. I threatened to hang up again. Laughing almost hysterically at my anger, he finally confessed who he really was. I was glad to hear from him again, but his approach pissed me off a little. What he said & did next is what really impressed me. He told me that he really liked me and didn't really know what to say. He explained that our mutual friend just gave him my number the day before, and he called a few times and hung up before he could work up his nerve. At first it seemed a bit creepy to me, but he seemed genuine and promised to make it up to me.

After agreeing to go out with him the first time, we became inseparable. We drank lots of champagne & talked about everything under the sun. He was hardly the quiet guy I met before. He was very encouraging to me about my talents, my career, my mothering skills, and everything. I found myself riveted at his life and was surprised how comfortable I was in telling him about my life. He was very inciteful. He saw things in me that I had yet to recognize. And he wasn't just noticing my style, he was enthusiastic about me and I loved to hear him talk because I felt the same way about him. He was so smart, and he was a little bit older and his experience made him even more attractive. He was a man that I quickly learned to respect and he respected me implicitly. He gave me some of the best advice of my life. For the first time, I learned to trust a man to lead me. I felt that he had my best interest at heart, and whatever he was saying to me was in the capacity of being an advocate for me. The way he looked after me reminded me of my father & brothers. We dated and encouraged each other for 3 years until he moved away. When I refused to move with him we parted as friends. (I think he was pissed at me than he let on because we totally lost touch.)

The point of all of this is to say that keeping an open mind is very important because being fixed up can work. I almost let my jaded perspective disuade me from even giving it a chance. We may not still be together, but I very much consider that a successful match. I was glad he came along & restored my faith that there are still good men out there who you can trust to lighten the load for you sometimes. There are men who are comfortable in the role of being the alpha male, but still are not threatened by a strong woman. Who knew he would hit the ground running and never stop? He certainly exceeded best case scenario. I was glad that I allowed myself to give him a fair shot, and even more ecstatic that he ran with the opportunity.

Shopping, Settling, or Jackpot

Being an experienced dater, I've learned that there are some things that can be overlooked, but also some things that one can not be flexible on. Because I try to be as honest & upfront with what I am looking for, any misrepresentation (lieing) is grounds for me moving on. Why start off with deceit? And any person that knows what your looking for, and knows they don't fit the bill but still tries to persuade you into dating them is a control freak and obviously does not respect your stance. This can also be a prelude of other issues down the line so I just move on.

I've tried not to carry too much baggage with me when looking for Mr. Right, and have been able to put some of the unrealistic expectations to the side when evaluating if he is the right guy for me. Some women are hung up on feet, fingernails, height, teeth, income, automobile, status, and other things. I like to think I am not superficial or shallow, but there are some things that bother me so much, that I just can't be bothered. I'm not one of those people with hangups but I do have limits on what I will tolerate.

I read a study that said that women had a tenancy to be more forgiving when it came to personal flaws in the opposite sex. After setting up profiles on dating internet sites, dates were set up for them to meet in person. The variable of this study was that the person who showed up in person looked completely different from the person displayed in the profile. When the women showed up looking for a tall, handsome man, they were met with a shorter, more everyday guy. Although the men were obviously different than what they portrayed online, and even when the women weren't attracted to the man at all, they continued on with the dates to be polite. On the other hand, when the men approached and saw that the women weren't who they portrayed themselves to be online, they weren't as cordial. One man became very irate, and the other decided not to even come in after sneaking a peak at his date from outside.

What is it in women that makes us so forgiving? We are promised tall, dark, & handsome, and wind up with short, bald, and pudgy and are ok with it? And even if we aren't ok with it, we are polite, and humor the guy so as not to hurt his feelings. Some men, can easily cut their losses and move on without any hesitation. I've taken a lesson from their book because this is my life, my experience, and it is not about charity. And I'd like to think that men would prefer you skip the politeness if you have no genuine interest in them. But sometimes they will try to plead some sort of case as to why you are wrong. I've heard so many stories about how women were abducted, assaulted or worse because in an awkward situation where they already knew something wasn't right, they just didn't want to be perceived as being mean or a bitch about it. You have to know yourself before you go out there because people will try to sway you & you end up with their needs being met and yours are still hanging in the balance. I'm not saying to go around hurting people's feelings, or being judgemental. I am saying that when it isn't right, go with your gut & don't be afraid to keep it moving. You will never get what we want if you allow someone else to dictate what that is for you.

I know that in my search, I could have settled many times. And sometimes, I did. But when I settled, I found myself miserable and unhappy and wondering why I chose not follow my first inclination. There is criteria that is pertinent to one's happiness that can only be defined by each individual. It's not the same for everybody. No other person can tell you what you should or should not like. It's a fine balance of being fair, and also being aware of what matters to you most--what you can deal with, and what you absolutely can not.

The single life can be a long hard road that seems to be going nowhere sometimes. You look around and there are so many people coupled up and making it look so easy, but don't let that coax you into settling. Although some people are happy within their respective relationships, many are unhappy and settling for some straight up bs. The deal that they have going may look like its working for them, but fail to meet the expectations and standards you have set for your relationships. I've had many of my attached friends say things like "he will come", and "don't worry" as if I am disheartened or sad about being single. On the contrary, even though I respond with a simple "I know he is coming", I smile inside because I know that I am a good catch, I'm a fair person, and I am living life on my terms without compromising any of my values, beliefs or goals for what I want my relationship to be in order to be hitched up with somebody. I know what I want and how to go about getting it. My Mr. Right will be the right one for me. He will be my jackpot! We will not feel the need to change one another. We will compliment each other, and work together. I've seen wonderful examples of really solid relationships, and they are my inspiration. Not the ones who are living a facade of a life. I'd much rather be a serial dater than a woman who has settled for less than I deserve on any level.

Back in the day, or in other cultures I may not have had the choice to hold out. Its a wonderful thing to be single. To have options...Knowing myself and what my deal breakers are has allowed me to go out & date the types of men I like, and enjoy myself in the process. Good dates or bad dates, my faith never waivers. I am confident that I will know him when I meet him, and because of what I've been through finding him, I will appreciate him all the more. The journey needn't be weary & hard. It can be fun and exciting, and full of laughs. I don't sweat the small stuff, or try to force myself into a shoe that doesn't fit me...I just keep shopping & when you are in your favorite stores, shopping really is not so bad at all.

Hiding Behind Text Messaging

Last night I had a big argument with my ex. The argument isn't the bone of contention to me, it's the fact that it all took place via text that makes me mad. Text messaging has become a whole new way to communicate. I use it to check on my kids, make plans with my friends, and send notes to various people throughout the course of my day. I've come to depend on texting as a form of communication, but it seems to be exceeding its positive use.

My ex boyfriend and I had an almost completely textual relationship. It started off because we would be working and unable to speak freely. Then it became a way that we'd plan our evenings & weekends, and also a way to have some sexy conversations. This was ok at first but it got to the point where we would have complete conversations about any & everything via text. After we started having fights via text, I began to wonder why we both refused to dial the number and have an actual conversation.

In my case, I got pissed that when I called him, he never answered the phone. He'd miss the call by seconds and then I'd do the same thing. I hated playing phone tag. My consistent texting was also meant to be punishment to him for not being available when I needed him. In my mind, he should not have the pleasure of my voice if he can't be there when I call. When he'd call me back, I'd sometimes stare at the call and let it roll to voicemail so he knew how it felt.

As the relationship went downhill, we used the texting to communicate even when we were with other people. I still don't know why we shared the inclination to communicate when we were with others, but we did it quite often. We used texting to fight & to make up. We had some of the most honest conversations via text. We have also said some very hurtful things as well. The worst thing about it is that he saved those texts and would quote me verbatim on what I said and what day I said it on.

In his case, I think that he had a problem with having those awkward conversations that couples have, and took the coward's way out. Hell nobody wants to disagree or have an angry conversation. But by texting, he didn't have to see my emotions, or show me his. He was able to put up a facade that would not be possible in a conversation. You can hear emotion. And that emotion can affect your impression. By texting, we were both able to take the emotion out of the conversation. Sometimes, that can be good, but in a relationship-not so good. Texting allows you to communicate your thought without hearing or even caring what the other person's response will be. I still don't think he realizes how texting diminished his points because I couldn't see his vulnerability or the emotion behind his words. He often said that I should "know" how he felt but it was difficult. I've come to resent the texting, and have tried cutting him off with one word replies only to receive up to 18 at once. To me, it would have been quicker to just dial the number and say those few lines to me directly, but to him, he is still saving face.

Along with this, you hear about young kids sending pornography and dirty notes to one another. You hear about the city officials who were sending sexy texts to one another and getting caught. There are many stories about how texting has been taken too far, and the numbers are steadily increasing. This form of communication can be abused like any other form. I heard Martha Stewart say she was concerned that people would forget how to spell because of texting, but I am afraid that people will forget how to relate and have real conversations.

Although I still love texting, and value it as a feature of my communication device, I don't use it as a crutch anymore. I try to make an effort to just dial. I like to have that personal connection with someone. I don't want to diminish my communication by making the recipient feel as though I don't really care what their response is. I want people to value my contact with them. I also want them to feel valued. If I see the banter going too far, or going on too long. I just stop it & dial. No more hiding behind my keypad. Having conversations are not that difficult, and I like being connected on the human level.