I know this may seem like such a silly question and even sillier fear to have, but I woke up this morning realizing that butterflies scare me. Not the proverbial butterfly with wings that flutter around from flower to flower. I am talking about that feeling in your stomach that you get when you are excited about something. I can tell my level of emotion for a man by if I get butterflies or not.The first time I got that "feeling" was in 4th grade. I sat next to a boy that I'd liked since 3rd grade. He liked me too but we didn't know what to do. In 3rd grade we were friends, but after the butterflies came, we both clammed up. My palms would sweat, and I was afraid that if I even looked at him, he'd know all of the feelings I had for him. It made me very nervous, and for the first time, I felt vulnerable. We eventually were able to put all of our butterflies aside, and began passing notes. He would buy me candy and walk me home from school. We'd talk on the phone, and do our homework together. At the end of 4th grade, he gave me my very first kiss. I must say that it was far sweeter than any of the candy he gave me.
Since then, I've gotten them a few more times but it's been a while since a man truly gave me butterflies. Lately, I've been getting them more and more. I am realizing that my new "friend" excites me more than I am comfortable with. I seem to revert back to 4th grade and get the sweaty palms and nervousness. What's worse is the vulnerability I feel. And because nobody likes being uncomfortable, I tend to look for any and every reason to get the hell away from this situation. It's like I still don't know what to do! Indeed, those butterflies scare the hell out of me!
For goodness sakes, I've dated nose pickers, whore mongers, and dirt bags yet I flee from butterflies? When there was a case of miscommunication, although I was ready to bolt and just give up, he calmly reassured me and squashed the whole situation. I really appreciated that he understood that being vulnerable is no fun for anybody. And his concern with making sure that I did not lose trust in him was very endearing. I found myself being more attracted to him for being so accountable and responsible. And with the way he handled it, I had no choice but to listen to reason. There was no big blow up. There was no disrespect. There was a glitch. And he handled it. I really can't ask for anything more than that. Even though it seemed a little difficult for him, he laid his cards on the table. His effort made me want to step my game up! That conversation solidified why he excites me so much. Worsening the butterflies...
For goodness sakes, I've dated nose pickers, whore mongers, and dirt bags yet I flee from butterflies? When there was a case of miscommunication, although I was ready to bolt and just give up, he calmly reassured me and squashed the whole situation. I really appreciated that he understood that being vulnerable is no fun for anybody. And his concern with making sure that I did not lose trust in him was very endearing. I found myself being more attracted to him for being so accountable and responsible. And with the way he handled it, I had no choice but to listen to reason. There was no big blow up. There was no disrespect. There was a glitch. And he handled it. I really can't ask for anything more than that. Even though it seemed a little difficult for him, he laid his cards on the table. His effort made me want to step my game up! That conversation solidified why he excites me so much. Worsening the butterflies...
In this situation, the butterflies represent something new & unknown, but also something beautiful and uncontrollable. I've seen so much and although I am open for love, I am afraid of being hurt. I am not one to live my life in fear. Today I am going forward and facing my vulnerability and my fears. Today, I am going to enjoy my butterflies and appreciate them for what they are. Instead of being afraid, I have decided to allow myself to be excited. Instead of feeling vulnerable, I will allow myself to feel safe with him. Starting this chapter is unknown territory, but I am going to allow myself to enjoy it instead of being afraid or intimidated by it. Long live the butterflies!
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