Do the People in Our Lives Have Expiration Dates?

A friend of mine offered me the analogy that people are in our lives for a season. She said that some seasons are longer than others. She stressed knowing when the season was over in order to move forward. My mind scanned over many of my relationships with people; my family, my friends, boyfriends, even my enemies. Other than someone dieing, I realized that I've always had control over how long those seasons lasted in my life.

Life gets tough sometimes. Dead weight can sink you. Sometimes in an effort to preserve one's own sanity, and even survival, we find ourselves severing relationships. I think when we are younger, we don't fully understand the concept. We just accept everyone who comes into our lives and deal with them. As our opinions and expectations grow stronger, we begin to form our own sets of beliefs and values. As we do that, we tend to surround ourselves with like minded individuals. We choose people who support us and enhance our lives in some way. Even our family members become favorite cousins, or favorite uncles/aunts etc. We love (and hate) based on what we believe and value.

Sometimes the people close to us change and their views become so different from ours that we begin to question if their presence in our lives are still valid. Are they enhancing or hindering growth and progress? The answer to this often dictates one's season. Even if we don't recognize it or feel it, we are all learning and growing and forming new values and opinions every day. Our goals and just life in general takes us all in different directions. If one were to just ride the wave, we could easily grow so far away from the people we love and value in life. It truly takes effort to hold on to the positive relationships we find in life. Many times you have to reach out and grab those people in order for your lives to stay close while still growing. So when we find that some of our closest relationships are no longer enhancing our lives, it is sometimes easier to cut them loose. And other times, we hinder our own growth by holding on to people whose season has passed.

Their season being over does not mean that the person is bad, or that you may never see them again. It just means that your lives are no longer growing in the same paths that can keep you as close as you used to be. Recently I have been going over some relationships that I have fought to keep close in my life. I wonder sometimes, if I have not hindered my own growth by holding on to the past. The longer the tenure, it seems that we hold the relationship with more esteem. We count the years, reminisce on the past, and commend ourselves for holding on. But at what price? Could it ever be worth it to hinder your own progress in an effort to continue a friendship of 20 years? What if it were your mother? Your child?

Its a judgement call. And you won't ever know if you did the right thing. I think we just have to focus on growth. Whatever that means to you. Our lives will keep going no matter what until our season is over. Each individual has to decide which relationships are worth it to them. Which ones make their heart smile? Which ones give them a headache? Which ones stunt growth, and which ones make them better...We can't keep everyone. We simply will not be able to grow with everyone. And we will often find that it is our season that has passed in some one's life. To move forward, we must pick the people that are the most loving & encouraging while allowing us the most growth as possible on our life's path and even then, we will still be at the mercy of the elements.

How Long Does It Really Take to Move On?

A friend of mine was very upset that her ex had moved on. They have been broken up for 2 months now, and she called me to vent & get some advice because she found out that he was now dating someone else. She seemed to be most upset that he was able to do so in such a short amount of time. We agreed to meet at the park and go for a walk. As we talked & walked, she was truly heartbroken and upset. She explained that although they had broken up, they had not broken away from each other. They still spoke on the phone, and even had a sexual relapse on more than one occasion. Because of this, she thought that they were in the process of working on their issues and reconciling. She had no idea that he was even interested in other women. As she spoke, her emotion turned to anger, and she expressed that she was really pissed that while she was working on their issues, he was playing the bachelor. She was still reserving his spot in her heart and she was angry that he was not doing the same for her.

It was about more than him moving on. It was the way he did it that stuck in her craw. As I listened I totally understood. It reminded me of the Rachel/Ross situation on friends where Ross slept with someone else after he felt that Rachel broke up with him. Rachel maintained that they were not broken up, but were "on a break". There is a serious difference in the way that men & women interpret behavior in the opposite sex. Unfortunately since so many people are so guarded with their emotions, a lot of behavior is subject to interpretation.

After the blow up, she took it as an argument. He took it as a break up. And then after the ordeal, since they were still incommunicado, she figured the commitment was still there and that there were just issues to work on. On the other hand, he saw it as a break up but he was having a difficult time in letting go. While she was working on issues, he was working on distance, and was doing that with someone else. Because he gave up so quickly, she began to question if his feelings were ever genuine. But I am with her in wondering how he could go from one relationship into another so quickly?

Its funny because she may never know the answer to that question. By there being another woman involved she wants to resolve the situation in her mind so that she can move on. But I have a feeling that even though there is another woman, she may not be as much of a threat to their reconciliation as my friend may think. He may just be doing the best he can to cope because he doesn't know what else to do. Some people don't know how to argue. When the going gets tough, they get the hell out of there. Or they hit below the belt or never look back because they have a "renter's mentality" about relationships. They don't fully invest themselves because they want to be ready to hit the escape hatch as soon as the going gets rough. By her emotion, I could tell that she was invested. But who knows? He just may not know how to invest himself or what that looks like. And its important that when in a relationship you know if your mate is in it for the long haul, or just in it for the good times only.

I asked her if she thought that she would be able to have a conversation with him about that. If she could put her anger & emotion aside (because that often distracts people from listening to your real point), and just explain how she felt. After all, if the relationship was over she had nothing to lose, but if it was worth saving, why not lay it all out there? If he still wanted to go their separate ways, she could do so knowing she did what she could. I also told her to be ready for it to go either way. You never know with these things, and I didn't want her to be even more upset if it didn't go her way. If this is the way he deals with conflict, it's best to know now. I told her not to take it personally because a lot of the way that we deal with conflict is learned at an early age and very hard to undo.

Sometimes people have moved on, and haven't even broken up yet. So ultimately it is not about the length of time it takes for one to move on after a break up. What matters is that they have moved on. If she finds that he really has moved on, she must do the same. She shouldn't be stuck on the formalities of how it was done, or how long, or with whom. I told her that when it happened to me, I took it as a lesson in the type of mate I wanted. I know I am a strong woman and it takes a strong man to catch me when I slip. And that means finding a mate that agrees with me about the respect remaining even when we argue...someone who knows that along with the good days, we will have some bad ones and will be ok with sticking them out with me, and who knows that sleeping with someone else or establishing any other relationships would be the end of ours. I told her that if it is time to move on, it just means that she will get another chance with someone else to make sure her expectations are set in the beginning and if they aren't of one accord on what the principles of the relationship should be, she should just keep movin'. (I still have my fingers crossed & am rooting for him though!)

Can Men & Women Be "Just Friends"?

I pose this question because I used to think it was possible for men & women to have close platonic friendships, but as time goes by I'm learning that it may not be a true possibility. A woman can size up if she is attracted to a guy within the first meeting. First she sizes up the physical upon approach. She assesses his words, mannerisms, and hygiene right away. Most often times, if he is attractive to her, and all of those things meet her approval, she will make the mental note that he has the green light. From what men have told me, the rules aren't as rigid. He can decide from across the room. And sometimes, even if he doesn't feel attracted to her, if she hangs around long enough she can win him over.

So lets say that the woman decides the man does not meet her standards, and for whatever reason, she is not attracted to him. Instead of being rude, or shooting him down right away, and if they have something in common, she will at least try to make a friend. Even though in her mind there isn't any chance, the guy looks at it as if there is still a possibility so he will agree to be just a close personal friend...

In one case that I've seen, the two were friends for years. After the guy (seemingly) got over the fact that she was going to keep saying no, he tried communicating with her on a "just friends" level. Although she was fine with it, she noticed that he still made flirty remarks, and often ogled her to the point it made her uncomfortable. When she confronted him, he apologized and said he would try to keep it together. Yet and still, when they would go out for drinks, he was always there buy her more drinks than she needed and still flirting. Always aware of her lack of attraction, and his hidden attraction, she became leery of him. Because of her distrust of him, she ended the friendship. It didn't seem to her as if the friendship was coming from the right place, and deep down she knew if she didn't trust him, he wasn't really her friend.

In another case, the woman's boyfriend had a friend who always hung around. They often went on double dates together and had lots of fun. After many years, the relationship broke up but the friend always kept in touch. One night they decided to go out together and have fun, and she was very surprised when he made a pass at her. What men fail to understand about the "friend" word is that it is almost the equivalent of another girlfriend, or a brother. Once you are in that category, there is very little that can be done to change your status if she is not attracted to you. And the more you try to persuade a woman of this, the more you come off as the incestuous cousin that doesn't understand cross breeding. His feelings were really hurt that she rejected him, but what was really perplexing to her was that she never gave any indication that she was the slightest bit attracted to him. He was simply going on the fact that he had NOT been rejected so far and took that as encouragement.

**Lets not confuse this with the term "friend with benefits". In this type of relationship there is a mutual attraction, but other reasons they can't make it work.**

So, based on my experience and what I've seen I do not believe that men & women can be close platonic friends unless they are totally not attracted to each other. And of course nobody wants to hear that someone is not attracted to them, but at least when you have that out in the open, you know where you stand. And if there is any sort of attraction, you have to wonder what the friendship is based on and what it's leading up to and deal with that. Because it is leading to something, and it probably won't go away on its own. People will wait it out if they think they have a chance somewhere down the line and use that friendship as a pretense for their way in. So the key is just being honest with yourself & your friend about if you are attracted or not. This way no body's feelings are hurt and no real friendships are lost.

Blame it on the Alcohol?

Why do people go out and drink so much that they embarrass themselves? I ask this because it never fails that I go out for drinks and somebody surpasses their limits and ends up stumbling around with their speech slurred, dancing all up on somebody. I must admit, it makes the night interesting just wondering what they will do next, but I often wonder how people get so out of their character? I've had my moments where I've had a little too much, but I've never started acting outside of my character or forget my manners.

So many people have blamed it on the alcohol when you ask them about their behavior afterwards. I do not understand this. I learned the hard way, just like many, about what my limits are. I've also learned what to do if I feel like I've drank too much or too fast (ice water & lots of it!). The only difference I have been told about was that my speech slurred, or that I laughed a lot more than usual. I certainly never lost my memory or forgot what matters to me. I've never gotten a report where my friends said that I did anything extreme or disrespected myself or anybody else for that matter.

There have been people that I thought I knew pretty well who used liquor as an excuse to do things like being rude, starting fights, and being promiscuous. Can you really blame those things on having one too many? I don't think alcohol has an extremely mind altering affect on people. I just think it amplifies your personality. I know lots of people who drink and don't get crazy with it. I don't know about you, but the worst thing in the world is to see the person you like out there with one too many. I know many don't share that sentiment, and think they are quite entertaining when they are out there sloppy drunk with funky breath dancing around speaking loudly. They are entertaining to those of us who don't care or love them.

I admire people who take responsibility for their actions. People who are responsible for their actions don't tend to have to apologize the next day for what they did while they were under the influence. Using alcohol to escape is the reason that most people knock one back, but taking it to the point where you are out there doing things you would be ashamed of later indicates a bigger problem. I'm not saying that this makes a person an alcoholic, but it does indicate alcohol abuse. I find it hard to take women seriously when they get sloppy drunk at the club, freak the guy down on the dance floor, take him home with her, and then be surprised when he isn't interested in them later. And I've heard some men say that they cheated simply because they had one too many. Come on! Who are you fooling? I've had liquor before. Liquor doesn't make you see unicorns and fairies or forget reality. You do those things because on some level, you wanted to.

Like I said, you live and learn and everybody is entitled to a few times but I know people who get this way every single time they drink. And it doesn't deter them from doing the same thing even harder the next time. I can tell you that when people see you this way it doesn't make them want to be around you because you are the life of the party. If they are drawn to you, it's for entertainment.

On one of my birthdays I had a party at my house. One of my sister's girlfriends must have thought it was her birthday because she got so drunk that she threw up all over my bathroom, had an accident in her clothes, and then proceeded to strip naked and had to be carried out of there. It was ironic to see how it broke the party up because the ladies were all concerned, but also giggling. My sister was totally embarrassed, and the men could have cared less. Another girl I went out with proceeded to get totally wasted before we even got to the party. By the time she got there she was so nauseous she threw up in the ice bucket at the table! She got angry at the suggestion of letting us take her home, and said she wanted to stay. Once I saw she was going to nurse the ice bucket all night (without emptying it--gross), I lined up a ride home for her and left her there. Another lady was one of my relatives friends but she was known for drinking too much and having accidents on herself all of the time. She would apologize profusely the next day, but then turn around and do it again and again.

Of course we are supposed to be responsible when we drink, but I don't think it is that simple for some people. Some people want that attention, some want that excuse to misbehave, and some just want to escape. Regardless of the reason, being drunk is not a good look on anyone. I think it is up to the individual to know the reasons they are drinking and try to gage it. Personally, I don't drink to get drunk. I am one of those people who is not comfortable with the lack of control I have over my body (speech, reflexes, balance). Because really when it's all said & done, you can really do serious damage (driving drunk, saying hurtful things, infringing on other people's good time because they have to "take care" of you), and you will only have yourself to blame.

Note: Please be responsible enough to not drink & drive!

Taking the Party With You

I can't think of a party without thinking of the party scene from Breakfast at Tiffany's. I saw it for the first time only a few years ago. Even though the movie is quite old, I still watched in awe at the party that she threw. Now that was a party! I was tickled at how Audrey Hepburn was the party girl I've always wanted to be. I've been the host of many a soiree, and must admit that I love a good party. The more, the merrier. The more outlandish, the better the story the next day. Good food, good friends, good cocktails got even better with my partner in crime.

We both liked the same things. We both could hold a conversation with anyone about anything, and outlast everyone else. We hit restaurants, bar & grills, barbecues, dance clubs, even Christmas parties. That year, we celebrated every holiday big! Who cared what holiday? We were just always excited at another chance to hang out together. We made our own party everywhere we went. We were like a conversational tag-team. We had one another's backs and at times, some told us that they felt left out. Each of us was known to whisk the other away from the crowd so we could compare notes and make private jokes. When we were ready to go, we'd "blow that pop stand" hand in hand and continue our party elsewhere.

I can recall a time I ended up at a Marina with friends. As he left work, he called to find out what I was doing. Sensing the distress in my voice at having a boring time, he drove to pick me up immediately. I was so glad to be rescued. We took our party to the nearest restaurant where we talked about everything while eating & drinking wine. We walked the streets by the water until dawn and laughed about everything. One time, I remember us posing for photos in one of those booths that take horrible pictures. I almost had a heart attack chasing him through the amusement park after he snatched the picture. I caught him and jumped on his back tickling him not even realizing we were making a scene! I still marvel at how we made our fun always. From playing cards all night long, to just sitting by the water & talking, we enjoyed ourselves together.

I tell this story because not everyone can bring the party with them. Not everyone has that positive, upbeat side that can take lemons & make the best lemonade you've ever tasted. I won't say that we never had our moments where it was going to take more than a party to save us, but overall we had a blast. I realize now that one of the things that I need most is laughter. I need to have fun. We all do. I like a person who doesn't take life for granted, and isn't afraid to grab the bull by the horns, but is ok to laugh about whatever the outcome should be.

I've noticed that a lot of people have such the pessimistic attitude. They are not afraid to set out to sink your battle ship. Grumpy, grouchy, or mad at the world...they are everywhere. Some of them want to be coaxed out of their shell and taught how to have fun, but sometimes even that is too much work. I've had enough bad things happen in life to milk the hell out of every moment that is NOT a tragedy or catastrophe. I love motivating and encouraging others, but sometimes, when I am having a moment I would like to be nurtured. That is what I recall most about my party equivalent. When he thought I was down or in need, he was there front and center with ideas, suggestions, and jokes. Laughter truly is the best medicine when you aren't feeling your best.

I am still the proverbial party girl. I love to meet new people and have interesting conversations. Not much has changed since I met him. Its just very nice to be able to take my act on the road with someone. Being able to provide and receive that comfort and shelter from the world can make all the difference in the world. So now, when I am asked what I like to do, I now know that it doesn't matter what you do so long as you are in good company.

Can One Person Love Two People at Once?

I'll start off by saying, I know there are different degrees of love. The question posed is referring to being "in love" with two people. (Not booty calls & jump-offs! If thats your love triangle skip straight to the last sentence below). I ask this because recently I've seen several examples of people (both men & women) who were in supposed "monogamous" relationships not only cheating with another, but also professing true love for both parties. My first inclination is to think that it's impossible, but is it really? Two different people can bring two different set of assets to the table however, we do not live in a society where this is acceptable. Maybe if you were able to approach a love triangle with truth and honesty and be allowed to love both parties openly, it seems like it would be a lot of work, but more possible than if it's a cheating/sneaking/lieing situation.

Love triangles by nature are just wrong. Someone is always the odd man out, and knows it. I've always thought of it like romantic musical chairs. Whoever that person is that is left out gets pissed. Because of this, most people aren't just openly loving other people. They are cheating behind closed doors and in whispers behind people's backs. Because the first party has a promise of love & fidelity, as long as the cheater reassures them, they usually don't complain. The odd man out, who usually sleeps alone only has promises of the future to keep them warm at night. In the examples I've seen, the cheater is able to paint such vivid pictures, and establish such a strong connection that the odd man in inspired to hope for a future and professes love for them too. This encourages the cheating. But could this type of situation bare fruit to any sort of love?

I don't necessarily believe in Polygamy, but I found it interesting to see how they are able to take the shameful elements (cheating/sneaking/lieing) out of the equation. They tend to be honest & upfront with whomever they get involved with from the beginning about that belief. And from what I've seen on the cable television show, when they are ready to bring in another, they approach it together. And it did not seem to be based on just having sex, or the thrill of sneaking around, or deceiving anyone. Of course I don't know if that's accurate, but I like how they depict the people as being open, honest, and caring. In this case it seemed as if being (genuinely) in love with more than one person at once could be possible.

Since most of us are not Polygamists, nobody I know will probably ever be able to approach a love triangle with honesty. It's selfish to keep two people in emotional bondage just because you don't want to choose. Life is full of tough choices and we live in a culture where we are conditioned to expect to be the only one. An honorable person who aspires to be in a healthy relationship would just have to make a choice. Never mind how it should never get that far in the first place, but if it does, we owe it to ourselves and the people we love to be honest about the type of relationship we really want to be in. If the eye is wondering, & unless you live in a Polygamist Community, you may want to focus on either improving the relationship your in, or simply getting out of it & moving on. Love is a lot of things but it certainly is not greedy.

Did Someone Say Cougar?

The single life calls for you to leave no stone unturned. In my adventures, I've dated all types of men: younger men, older men, men my age, men of other races. I am open to the possibilities. I must admit that as I've gotten older, I've become more attracted to younger men. I am not ashamed to say that one of the stones I rolled over lead me to enroll on one of those online dating sites. I was taken aback when the majority of possible suitors were as young as 18. I am always honest about my age. I show a few photos, and am absolutely straight forward with what I am looking for.

I know that men hit their sexual peak in their twenties, and women in their thirties. But there is much more to it than physical attraction. I haven't gone out with anyone who was still in their teens, but I have dated several younger men and let me tell you what I really liked about them:

They seem to be more fun-loving. They weren't stuck in their ways. And they were more apt to roll with the punches. Along with that, they seemed to be up for a reciprocal relationship ie, something more balanced. In the past when I've dated older men, they seemed tired and grouchy. Some of them were moody, and wanted me to wait on them hand & foot or be at their beck and call. One of them followed me when I said I was going out with my girlfriends, and proceeded to call me on my cell all night. (Insecurity is unattractive at any age) When he later confessed to being so insecure (and stalkerish), I dumped him. Another older man that I dated thought he could just throw money at me instead of taking me out and having a good time together. He just wanted me around to show his friends, and I soon became resentful.

To me, age is a state of mind. I am an energetic, vibrant, fun loving woman who has never looked or felt better than I do right now. I would date a man of any age if he possessed carefree qualities AND was a charismatic gentleman. I was watching a reality show where an older woman had her choice of several different younger suitors. After some silly remarks from some, and a lot of immature antics, she verbalized her concern for if she was doing the right thing. I could identify with her because although she was older than they, she was a really good catch. She had a lot going for her being that she took care of herself, was very ambitious, was very successful in her field,and looked great. She said that many men her age, weren't looking for women like her, and she was tired of being alone but did not want to settle. She emphasized that although some of the young men were certainly not her type, she found herself excited at the possibilities.

That's what it all comes down to. Being excited at the possibilities. I don't think you have to exclude or include only certain types either. Who was it that said "Variety is the spice of life..."?My friends have laughed at me for my choice in dating younger men, but I have never regretted allowing them a fair chance. Some of them have been all wrong, but others have been closer to what I am looking for than any other age group. I am not on the prowl looking for anybody. But when they approach me, I don't automatically turn them down. However I will hold them to the same standards that I would have for any prospective partner. And many of them have welcomed the challenge and have gone all out to show me that my faith in them was warranted. Some could not hang. I'll tell you what: it feels good to be pursued and appreciated. I don't care how old the man is, as long as he is good to me, and good for me, I'm all for it. Equal opportunity.

So, to my girls who (lovingly I'm sure) referred to me as a Cougar I say: Call me what you want. I love you, but I don't care. I am not breaking any laws or compromising anything. I am simply expanding my options. Being open to those who show interest and you're attracted to is no crime. If that tends to be younger men, so what? I'm doing what I have to do to find happiness in this life. I am no hypocrite, and when men do it, I don't think less of them. We all have our choices & preferences.

A Good Match...

Let me preface by saying that I've written a few times about fix ups that did not go so well, so I thought that I'd give an example of a fix up that went well...

In one of my college courses, I met one of the funniest women ever. She was very vocal during class which normally would annoy me, but her comments were so off the wall, you just had to laugh. It was a nice way to break up the monotony, and she kept us all very entertained. We'd even hang out on the breaks, and when she needed a ride I began dropping her off at home every day. We'd become great friends.

When she offered to "hook me up" with a guy she knew, I was very skeptical. She was very different than I was, and I remembered about how other people's taste may not be your own...I remember how she kept promising to hook us up, but it took quite a while, and I'll be honest, I was less than enthused. One weekend, she asked me to go with her to meet him. To my surprise this guy was so tall, dark, and handsome it was crazy. On top of that, he just seemed like a very cool person. As usual, my friend did most of the talking, and I just kind of sat there wondering what his story could be. He was too attractive & sweet to be true. I noticed that he wasn't saying so much, but we did connect a few times during the evening. He was a good host, and when I got a call to come into work & had to leave, I was deeply disappointed and to my surprise, he was also. I promised to come back & visit him with her the following weekend and we parted ways.

On the ride back to her place she asked me what I thought, and I gave her a high five! He was very nice and down to earth. I asked about him being so quiet, and she assured me that this was just his demeanor. I found myself excited at the possibilities. After the final, we lost touch for a few weeks. I was so disappointed that I wouldn't get the chance to meet him again. Whe she resurfaced, I only spoke to her briefly, and we never set up another date to visit the mystery man.

I got a call at 3am. A man with a deep voice just said "wake up". Not being a person who loves to play games on the phone in the wee hours of the morning, I asked who he was. He just said "its your secret admirer"...I asked him again & when he repeated his prior sentence, I hung up & went back to sleep. Only to have the same banter again the next evening. The second time he gave a little more detail. He described the things he "admired" about me until I cut him off and demanded he identify himself. I threatened to hang up again. Laughing almost hysterically at my anger, he finally confessed who he really was. I was glad to hear from him again, but his approach pissed me off a little. What he said & did next is what really impressed me. He told me that he really liked me and didn't really know what to say. He explained that our mutual friend just gave him my number the day before, and he called a few times and hung up before he could work up his nerve. At first it seemed a bit creepy to me, but he seemed genuine and promised to make it up to me.

After agreeing to go out with him the first time, we became inseparable. We drank lots of champagne & talked about everything under the sun. He was hardly the quiet guy I met before. He was very encouraging to me about my talents, my career, my mothering skills, and everything. I found myself riveted at his life and was surprised how comfortable I was in telling him about my life. He was very inciteful. He saw things in me that I had yet to recognize. And he wasn't just noticing my style, he was enthusiastic about me and I loved to hear him talk because I felt the same way about him. He was so smart, and he was a little bit older and his experience made him even more attractive. He was a man that I quickly learned to respect and he respected me implicitly. He gave me some of the best advice of my life. For the first time, I learned to trust a man to lead me. I felt that he had my best interest at heart, and whatever he was saying to me was in the capacity of being an advocate for me. The way he looked after me reminded me of my father & brothers. We dated and encouraged each other for 3 years until he moved away. When I refused to move with him we parted as friends. (I think he was pissed at me than he let on because we totally lost touch.)

The point of all of this is to say that keeping an open mind is very important because being fixed up can work. I almost let my jaded perspective disuade me from even giving it a chance. We may not still be together, but I very much consider that a successful match. I was glad he came along & restored my faith that there are still good men out there who you can trust to lighten the load for you sometimes. There are men who are comfortable in the role of being the alpha male, but still are not threatened by a strong woman. Who knew he would hit the ground running and never stop? He certainly exceeded best case scenario. I was glad that I allowed myself to give him a fair shot, and even more ecstatic that he ran with the opportunity.

Shopping, Settling, or Jackpot

Being an experienced dater, I've learned that there are some things that can be overlooked, but also some things that one can not be flexible on. Because I try to be as honest & upfront with what I am looking for, any misrepresentation (lieing) is grounds for me moving on. Why start off with deceit? And any person that knows what your looking for, and knows they don't fit the bill but still tries to persuade you into dating them is a control freak and obviously does not respect your stance. This can also be a prelude of other issues down the line so I just move on.

I've tried not to carry too much baggage with me when looking for Mr. Right, and have been able to put some of the unrealistic expectations to the side when evaluating if he is the right guy for me. Some women are hung up on feet, fingernails, height, teeth, income, automobile, status, and other things. I like to think I am not superficial or shallow, but there are some things that bother me so much, that I just can't be bothered. I'm not one of those people with hangups but I do have limits on what I will tolerate.

I read a study that said that women had a tenancy to be more forgiving when it came to personal flaws in the opposite sex. After setting up profiles on dating internet sites, dates were set up for them to meet in person. The variable of this study was that the person who showed up in person looked completely different from the person displayed in the profile. When the women showed up looking for a tall, handsome man, they were met with a shorter, more everyday guy. Although the men were obviously different than what they portrayed online, and even when the women weren't attracted to the man at all, they continued on with the dates to be polite. On the other hand, when the men approached and saw that the women weren't who they portrayed themselves to be online, they weren't as cordial. One man became very irate, and the other decided not to even come in after sneaking a peak at his date from outside.

What is it in women that makes us so forgiving? We are promised tall, dark, & handsome, and wind up with short, bald, and pudgy and are ok with it? And even if we aren't ok with it, we are polite, and humor the guy so as not to hurt his feelings. Some men, can easily cut their losses and move on without any hesitation. I've taken a lesson from their book because this is my life, my experience, and it is not about charity. And I'd like to think that men would prefer you skip the politeness if you have no genuine interest in them. But sometimes they will try to plead some sort of case as to why you are wrong. I've heard so many stories about how women were abducted, assaulted or worse because in an awkward situation where they already knew something wasn't right, they just didn't want to be perceived as being mean or a bitch about it. You have to know yourself before you go out there because people will try to sway you & you end up with their needs being met and yours are still hanging in the balance. I'm not saying to go around hurting people's feelings, or being judgemental. I am saying that when it isn't right, go with your gut & don't be afraid to keep it moving. You will never get what we want if you allow someone else to dictate what that is for you.

I know that in my search, I could have settled many times. And sometimes, I did. But when I settled, I found myself miserable and unhappy and wondering why I chose not follow my first inclination. There is criteria that is pertinent to one's happiness that can only be defined by each individual. It's not the same for everybody. No other person can tell you what you should or should not like. It's a fine balance of being fair, and also being aware of what matters to you most--what you can deal with, and what you absolutely can not.

The single life can be a long hard road that seems to be going nowhere sometimes. You look around and there are so many people coupled up and making it look so easy, but don't let that coax you into settling. Although some people are happy within their respective relationships, many are unhappy and settling for some straight up bs. The deal that they have going may look like its working for them, but fail to meet the expectations and standards you have set for your relationships. I've had many of my attached friends say things like "he will come", and "don't worry" as if I am disheartened or sad about being single. On the contrary, even though I respond with a simple "I know he is coming", I smile inside because I know that I am a good catch, I'm a fair person, and I am living life on my terms without compromising any of my values, beliefs or goals for what I want my relationship to be in order to be hitched up with somebody. I know what I want and how to go about getting it. My Mr. Right will be the right one for me. He will be my jackpot! We will not feel the need to change one another. We will compliment each other, and work together. I've seen wonderful examples of really solid relationships, and they are my inspiration. Not the ones who are living a facade of a life. I'd much rather be a serial dater than a woman who has settled for less than I deserve on any level.

Back in the day, or in other cultures I may not have had the choice to hold out. Its a wonderful thing to be single. To have options...Knowing myself and what my deal breakers are has allowed me to go out & date the types of men I like, and enjoy myself in the process. Good dates or bad dates, my faith never waivers. I am confident that I will know him when I meet him, and because of what I've been through finding him, I will appreciate him all the more. The journey needn't be weary & hard. It can be fun and exciting, and full of laughs. I don't sweat the small stuff, or try to force myself into a shoe that doesn't fit me...I just keep shopping & when you are in your favorite stores, shopping really is not so bad at all.

Hiding Behind Text Messaging

Last night I had a big argument with my ex. The argument isn't the bone of contention to me, it's the fact that it all took place via text that makes me mad. Text messaging has become a whole new way to communicate. I use it to check on my kids, make plans with my friends, and send notes to various people throughout the course of my day. I've come to depend on texting as a form of communication, but it seems to be exceeding its positive use.

My ex boyfriend and I had an almost completely textual relationship. It started off because we would be working and unable to speak freely. Then it became a way that we'd plan our evenings & weekends, and also a way to have some sexy conversations. This was ok at first but it got to the point where we would have complete conversations about any & everything via text. After we started having fights via text, I began to wonder why we both refused to dial the number and have an actual conversation.

In my case, I got pissed that when I called him, he never answered the phone. He'd miss the call by seconds and then I'd do the same thing. I hated playing phone tag. My consistent texting was also meant to be punishment to him for not being available when I needed him. In my mind, he should not have the pleasure of my voice if he can't be there when I call. When he'd call me back, I'd sometimes stare at the call and let it roll to voicemail so he knew how it felt.

As the relationship went downhill, we used the texting to communicate even when we were with other people. I still don't know why we shared the inclination to communicate when we were with others, but we did it quite often. We used texting to fight & to make up. We had some of the most honest conversations via text. We have also said some very hurtful things as well. The worst thing about it is that he saved those texts and would quote me verbatim on what I said and what day I said it on.

In his case, I think that he had a problem with having those awkward conversations that couples have, and took the coward's way out. Hell nobody wants to disagree or have an angry conversation. But by texting, he didn't have to see my emotions, or show me his. He was able to put up a facade that would not be possible in a conversation. You can hear emotion. And that emotion can affect your impression. By texting, we were both able to take the emotion out of the conversation. Sometimes, that can be good, but in a relationship-not so good. Texting allows you to communicate your thought without hearing or even caring what the other person's response will be. I still don't think he realizes how texting diminished his points because I couldn't see his vulnerability or the emotion behind his words. He often said that I should "know" how he felt but it was difficult. I've come to resent the texting, and have tried cutting him off with one word replies only to receive up to 18 at once. To me, it would have been quicker to just dial the number and say those few lines to me directly, but to him, he is still saving face.

Along with this, you hear about young kids sending pornography and dirty notes to one another. You hear about the city officials who were sending sexy texts to one another and getting caught. There are many stories about how texting has been taken too far, and the numbers are steadily increasing. This form of communication can be abused like any other form. I heard Martha Stewart say she was concerned that people would forget how to spell because of texting, but I am afraid that people will forget how to relate and have real conversations.

Although I still love texting, and value it as a feature of my communication device, I don't use it as a crutch anymore. I try to make an effort to just dial. I like to have that personal connection with someone. I don't want to diminish my communication by making the recipient feel as though I don't really care what their response is. I want people to value my contact with them. I also want them to feel valued. If I see the banter going too far, or going on too long. I just stop it & dial. No more hiding behind my keypad. Having conversations are not that difficult, and I like being connected on the human level.

Waxing for Sport?

I was at the gym today, and in the locker room notice something very startling. Most women don't wax! Don't misunderstand, waxing may be my choice for hair removal, but there is also the options of shaving, threading, clippers, and even honey. I've had this talk with many of my peers that include family, close friends, & co-workers.

When discussing hair underneath the arm, I've heard very intelligent women retort that their hair is very fine, and almost invisible to the naked eye. What they don't realize is that I've seen it, therefore, it is NOT invisible. This has been said about hair on their legs also. But when I've asked men what they prefer, almost all of them I've asked have said they prefer less hair or the "neat & tidy" look. (I'll save the topic of men waxing for sport for another day...)

I know that this is a touchy subject, but after my eyes were almost burned out of my head today, I was curious as to the opinions about this. I just think of it as regular grooming. It's just as routine as doing my eyebrows. It is time consuming, and if you aren't careful, it can be uncomfortable when it grows back but I just think that sort of grooming is necessary. You don't have to be completely hairless, simply mindful of your body & what it's doing. Besides that, it's your body! If you don't groom it, it does not become invisible.

It still tickles me to think of the women who would tell me their hair was invisible or didn't grow. No use arguing with them either. They are usually very firm about it. And on the opposite of the spectrum, the women who believe in it, usually knew all of the tricks to minimize any negative repercussions and do it on a regular basis. Strangely enough, the ladies at my job were more helpful in finding the best waxing salon than most friends & family. It got a little awkward if they asked if I was doing bikini or Brazilian, but I really appreciated the tips they gave me for afterward.

The ladies at the gym were not there to impress me of course but I just wonder if that sort of thing can affect one's self image. I'm no playmate, but I don't have a problem with my naked body. I don't flash it or walk around showing people, but when I have myself totally groomed, it puts a little spring in my step. It makes me feel like I've done a little extra for myself. Being single I go through spells where nobody else would ever know or see if I've groomed myself and that is just fine. Showing it off, has nothing to do with it as far as I'm concerned. It's just another way to take care of oneself. Not to say that women who don't completely groom themselves have no since of self...it just seems they don't care about that. I've even been told that its a somewhat narcissistic habit of mine. I say no. I just pamper and take care of every inch of my temple & what you do with yours is your business too. I don't judge.

Blind Date Lesson #1

I remember the first time I let someone "fix me up" with a date. It was quite a while ago, & I was newly single and always complaining about it. I recall having such a hard time getting used to sleeping alone. A very good friend of mine said that she knew the perfect guy for me. I was very excited because I've known her since grade school, and we've always been close. If anyone knew my taste it was her.

I proceeded to get ready for my date. When he came to the door, I found myself almost nervous. I'd picked out a hot outfit, and was ready to dazzle him with my first impression. I remember that when I opened the door I seemed to look right past him. I was looking for the guy that was said to be "perfect for me". But this guy seemed to be alone. My heart sank.

I won't go into great detail about the aesthetics, but let me just say, he was not my type at all. As a matter of fact, this man had several factors that, in my book, constituted being a deal breaker. His general appearance did not translate to being that of a man who was going on a first date. Hell, he didn't look like he was going on a date at all! When he came in, I was surprised to see that he had the drinks with him in the form of a case of beer. Did I mention, I am not a beer drinker? Anyhow, between the way he was dressed, and the way he plopped down on my sofa, I knew we weren't going anywhere.

Well, he didn't have the chance to get too comfortable because I faked an emergency with my babysitter and apologized for not being able to go. I explained that I didn't entertain at my home when my children were there, and that we would have to make it some other time. I was so proud of my quick thinking until he retorted "ok, let me call my ride"...I was outdone. After summoning a ride home with his case of beer, he finally left. Never to be seen or heard from again.

I was angry at his lack of depth, but was furious at the matchmaker! I immediately called her and asked her how she ever came to think that this guy was my type. She simply said that she thought he was cute. Let me say, this guy was not hideous. He did not smell bad, or act crazy. He was just not my type of guy. Our demeanor didn't even match. As much as I respected her opinion, and loved her as a person, it was the first time I realized, that every body's taste isn't my taste. She was picking a guy for me based on what she liked about him, and not based on me or my tastes at all. Since then I've learned not to be "fixed up" on any more dates unless the matchmaker is matching us based on our mutual likes & dislikes-as opposed to their personal opinions. Seems like such as simple detail, but one that should certainly be clarified prior to committing to anything. Who knows...I probably wasn't his type of chic either & he was thinking about how glad he was he didn't have to share his beer with the chic with the kids & the shaky babysitter. Needless to say, I never saw him again.

Since then, we've had a few good laughs about it. She blames me for complaining & I blame her for not considering me at all in that decision and then we laugh some more. It's never happened again and we have no hard feelings at all behind it...but that experience was a great lesson in blind dating. I've met some really nice guys, and even had some serious relationships with "fix ups" since then. I learned to be up front with my matchmaker. It's so important to know what your deal breakers are! And even more important to stress them to your matchmaker. And ask about what his are also...Ask questions and if they can't or won't answer them, agree to nothing! It lets the matchmaker know you are serious, and that you don't want to waste any one's time. If they are really trying to help, they will take heed to what your qualifications & expectations are, and your odds of a quality match will be much higher.

Walking the Walk & Talking the Talk

There is a very handsome man that I've been talking to. He is very charming & has a very good conversation. I enjoyed speaking to him and found myself looking forward to chatting with him. We seemed to have lots in common and he was very funny. When he asked me over to cook for me, I found it to be a very sweet gesture. I love a man who can cook!

I must admit that there was a little voice in my head that said that I should make him come to me. I dismissed that voice as the voice of skepticism. Optimism was the word of the day, and dam it, he may be Mr. Right. So, I ventured out and followed his pristine directions to his place. When I arrived at the address I was given, it didn't seem like a home, more like a building. I dismissed my reservations since there had been lots of renovations in that area. It could be perfectly fine on the inside.

I called him from my cell phone, and he came outside. He was beaming. Just as handsome, and sweet as always. He helped me out of my car, and showed me inside. Just seeing him, I felt better about the situation. He invited me in & told me to make myself at home. At that moment, it seemed like I was one of those terminator machines that was sizing up my environment at warp speed. My senses were working overtime to process what I was seeing. As my eyes panned the room for some sort of indication as to how this place would be anything like my home, he went into the kitchen.

My eyes saw a filthy concrete floor, beer cans & bottles littered about. His computer system was an ancient mass of filth and his sofa & love seat had no legs on them & were also dirt ridden. He had several empty cups scattered, a huge mirror that had so much dust on it you could not see anything, and his curtains looked as if they hadn't been laundered in 20 years. I asked him if he was in the process of remodeling. He answered that it was a loft. I don't know what that had to do with it, but ok...I followed him to the kitchen & he offered me food of which I immediately refused. On my way to the kitchen, I saw a huge dog dish and noticed clothes scattered all about. As I looked around, he asked me if I wanted the tour, of which I immediately refused again. Just as my nose began to decipher between the horrible food smell & the scent of the two rottweilers he owned, my mind began to plot my exit.

I must digress for a moment and go back to the many conversations I've had with this guy. He was not a man who seemed crazy or bazaar in any way. He spoke with intelligence and had impeccable manners. I had to wonder how a man who gave no indication that he was mentally deficient in any way, could live in such squalor. He invited me over. He knew I was coming, and did nothing to make his home presentable for me.

After I made my exit, I thought about the advice I gave my friend about going out for practice & experience. This is far more than a notion. I kept thinking about the ad campaign for V-8, and how I could have better utilized that 30-45 minutes of my life. After getting over being personally offended that his home wasn't presentable, I got down to the real issue of this man not having a decent living environment for himself. He seemed so sensible, yet lived in such a way that I could not comprehend. In my eyes, it had nothing to do with money, or decor. This was a matter of how one chooses to live their life when nobody is watching. His home was not only acceptable to him, but also fit to entertain others. Don't get me wrong, I've seen worse. I've heard of those people who live a totally normal life on the outside, and won't invite you in because their home is a mess. But this seems different.

My discomfort must have been obvious. When he noticed that I did not want to take my coat off, or sit my purse down he made a remark that I seemed to be "high maintenance". He said that I seemed like a woman who was spoiled & was used to getting what I wanted. I felt the anger rising in me, but stayed focus on the immediate plan which was to get out of there pronto! Otherwise I would have explained to him that the problem was not me being high maintenance or spoiled. The problem was that he presented himself to be a clean cut man with a lot going for himself, yet chose to live in his own filth. The biggest problem was that he invited me to endure his filth for several very valuable minutes of my life, and although brief, was indeed too long for me. Although I tried to be tactful and still give him the benefit of the doubt, he tried to make me feel like my standards were too high so that I would come down to a level where that environment would be acceptable.

If anything he did just the opposite. He made me appreciate how meticulous my household was at home. He made me long for it every second I was there. I even fantasized for a split second about how it was just there waiting for me to come back & enjoy it. See, it doesn't cost anything to be clean. You can live in the worst environment, and still be neat & tidy within it. Your circumstances don't dictate your quality of life. The clutter and filth that he was enthralled in, had nothing to do with the money he made, the building he was housed in, or his intelligence. It is a conscious choice of standards and quality. He is an able bodied man who could easily have a decent living environment. Nothing that a little elbow grease couldn't fix...It came down to talking the talk and walking the walk-even when nobody is looking.

I know that as women, we make a lot of concessions for our men. Oftentimes, if the shoe was on the other foot, we may not be able to get away with a lot of what we let men slide with. He is obviously used to women not saying anything about that mess he lives in, or maybe they sweep in with their magic broom and clean it for him. It does not matter. Many of us come to the table with our careers, our beauty, our manners, and our best recipes only to be met with garbage. That isn't fair. Yes, we all have issues and that is part of the work that goes into the relationship. But there is much to be said about the way that we approach things in life from the beginning. To me, the most work to be done, is on one's self. This issue was so overwhelming to me, that I had no time to show him anything about me. I had no desire to do so. If this was the way he was going to present himself, hell I didn't even have to wash my face or take a shower let alone apply my make-up or spritz on my fragrance. I could have done the least bit possible, but along with that not being the way we (as women) are groomed, it just isn't how I roll. I have a lot to offer, but it isn't just for anybody. It's for someone who appreciates it, and is striving just like I am, for a good life. And for somebody who has a lot to offer in return. So I chalk that "date" up as experience, but still marvel at the gall that it takes to expect so much, and give so little in return.

Back to Dating Basics

I have a friend who ventured out on a date for the first time in a long time. I was actually surprised when I asked her what she was doing & she responded "getting ready for a date". I congratulated her but she sent a text back saying "I should stay home". I encouraged her to go if only for practice. She took my advice and ventured out.

I called her the next day to ask her how it went and here is how the story goes:
He asked her to pick him up. He lives totally across town, but she did it. Once he got into the car, he wanted to go back across town to the movies. He complained when gas was mentioned, but paid at the pump a whole $10 to put into her SUV! They proceeded to the movies and ended up at a $1 show! She almost fell asleep in the movies except and her son was bored too. She fought the urge to leave him at the movies but as she dropped him off, he asked if she could stop by a fast food restaurant to get him something to eat".

After all of this, all that I could say is that she was right...she should've stayed home. I say this because she would have had a better time, but in all truth I believe it was set up to fail. I realized there were several elements in play that made that date a disaster. And I was left wondering if planning ahead and hearing what someone has in store for you before you go on the date may prevent that awful waste of her time that we often feel after those terrible dates? I think it certainly would have helped in this case. I'm no expert, but I've dated a lot, and I still have my fair share. I've learned to listen for cues and not be shy to ask direct questions about the quality of the date I am going on. Here are some thoughts I had about her date...

#1. It's ok to pick a guy up but he should be forthcoming with the gas money. If he's not, that indicates stinginess & selfishness because he's already requiring you to go out of your way with him giving very little. This was foreshadowing for the $1 movie...

#2. Never go to a movie on the first date. The movies are very intimate. Even if it's staying in & watching movies, I say don't do it. Movies are for established relationships. They are for snuggling and unless you are ready to snuggle with the guy, its a bad idea. Besides that, choosing the movie can cause a knock down drag out fight amongst the strongest of relationships, so it's not a good idea to risk it in the beginning.

#3. I know that many of us have children out here, but we can't take them on the first date. Our children are lovable and certainly should be apart of any serious relationship that we may enter into, but the first date is to see if you even want to be bothered any further with the guy. Why torture the kid too? Besides that, they can distract us from focusing on the guy. I had to wonder if my friend brought her kid so she wouldn't have to focus on her date...

#4. Lastly, if after all of this, he not only doesn't offer you dinner, but wants you to take him to the drive through to satisfy his hunger, you know he is not right. This is a man who is only thinking of himself. He has no tact or consideration. If he did not have the funds to take you on a proper date, he should have stayed home too. He clearly has bigger issues than asking someone on a date and he should know better.

What I find so funny about all of this is that this man ended up calling afterward. He had no indication that the date didn't go so well, and is looking to put my friend through more of the same. Poor baby girl! This leads me to...

#5. After a date like that, you have to laugh about it. Don't be hard on yourself. Just look at the experience and use it to learn about what your likes/dislikes & expectations are. And be honest with yourself because if you really don't like the guy, its unlikely he's going to change your opinion. Besides that, forcing yourself to go is further indication that your heart isn't in it. This certainly calls for a girls night out. Go out & have a good time with your girls! At least your girlfriends will buy you dinner & drinks & dance with you until you pass out laughing because when you really think about it, dating can be really funny.

The Withered Rose in The Bud Vase

I recently had a bouquet of red roses. Roses are my favorite because they are so fragrant. I love how they begin closed & condensed. As the days progress they open and become a fuller, more voluminous spray. Each one different, but all are beautiful. Out of my bouquet, I plucked a single one to put in a bud vase near my bed. It lasted so long, I forgot all about it. The other day, I looked at it, and it sat there in the vase with its head bowed down and a little withered. Other than the bent stem at the base, the rose looked the same as the day I plucked it from its bouquet. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I stood there noticing, the beauty I'd taken for granted and wondered where the time had gone...For some reason, I had it in my head that the rose represented my life. I never wanted to be taken for granted, beauty faded, and head bowed down. Some flowers die and look the same way they did when they were alive. Some flowers age but don't wither. Experience in preservation can help a flower last forever. That is the way I'd like to be.

In life I've noticed so many that have just faded and given up. People I love and respect who just don't have any more fight in them. They don't know how to look on the bright side or find any happiness or joy in life. Oftentimes, I find myself being the voice of reason to some of my friends. Encouraging and motivating I have been called. But really, I don't think I am any different than most. It's all in my perspective. I've seen the sad and sorry side of life. My heart has been broken, and I have felt defeated just like everyone else. I have been so sad that I could not see my way out of it without a prescription, and I've spent days crying and grieving for lost loves.

Experience has taught me how to preserve my happiness. I've learned how to find the joy in life even if it's a joke from a friend, a kiss from my children, or a walk in the park, I treat myself to these inexpensive, but priceless gems as much as possible. I've learned to use these things to pull myself out of the inevitable funks that we all are subject to...those funks that you can't always get out of by yourself. I remind myself of those special "me" moments in order to preserve my optimisim. See, the rose will always die. What matters is the nurturing & care that it gets when it's alive. I felt bad for the rose that I forgot about. I could have dried it & pressed it into a book & kept it forever. I stood there frozen knowing that it may have been too late for the rose in my bud vase, but it reminded me to continue taking good care of me.