What Do You Do When A Date Is Headed For Disaster?

I have had more times than I can count where I am on a date with a guy, and something happens where some threshold is crossed, or some boundary is overstepped, and I have an overwhelming desire to just bolt. In my mind, its the selfish thought of wondering why I should waste another moment on something that seems like its not going to work out. It's also an idiotic thought because at times, I know I haven't had sufficient time to make that type of judgement. Hell I get tired. Some days I don't even want to make the effort to go on these dates. Give me a good book, and some take-out and I can have a wonderful night at home in sweat pants!

Remembering my ultimate goal (to leave no stone unturned) will help me to keep going. And if I am going to make the effort, I may as well be fair about it. My guilty conscience has gotten the better of me, and I don't want to skip out on someone who has taken the time to show up. So I've resolved not bolt in the middle of a date anymore. (I must admit that I am getting a flashback to the nose picker and hoping that scenario doesn't happen again under this new rule) Even though I felt that it was necessary in some of the previous circumstances, I am resolving to be fair. I want to make a conscious effort to evaluate the pros and cons of if we are compatible before I just up and leave without ever looking back or taking their call again. (This rule does not apply if I feel I am in danger or if they have a disgusting habit that makes me nauseous.)

With this new way of thinking, I have tried to prepare myself for what I will do instead of bolting when a date is heading for disaster. I have it in my mind to check my attitude if I hear or feel myself getting annoyed. I will curb my tongue if I think I may say something crude because of being annoyed. I will ask an open ended question and let speak until he runs out of steam. (He could either redeem or hang himself with this) I will excuse myself and go powder my nose to give us both a chance to regroup. I will try to remember that this is awkward for most people, and as an experienced dater, I should be gracious and welcoming. From one human being to another, I must show the same consideration that I'd like to be shown to me. Why stop someone before they begin? And why leave them with no reason as to what went wrong? Out of common courtesy, I will give a fair chance and resolve to make my decision at the end of the date.

So here I am with my new plan. We will see how well this works out...But I believe that being self aware of this ongoing habit has helped me to keep the remedy close at hand. I may have to work a little harder to form a new habit, but I think I am going in the right direction. I am hoping that my intolerance or impatience hasn't caused me to give up too soon on a guy that I may have really enjoyed, but if that is so I am changing the game now. Another lesson learned.

His Actions Say Yes, But His Mouth Says No?

It happens to us all at some time or another. We are minding our own business and doing our own thing. Then someone comes into the picture and before we know it, our business has become their business and our lives are intertwined. Personally, I've had times where I just had to pause for a moment and wonder how this all happened so fast. We were supposed to be taking it slow and having fun! How did we begin planning our lives together?

A nice guy I was dating kept stressing that he wanted to take it slow. Yet he proceeded to push our relationship to its limits. Even though he insisted that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he made sure that our relationship was more than just "casual". His mixed signals made our friendship more complicated than it needed to be. I totally respect not wanting to push yourself into a commitment that you are not ready for. But at the same time, how could it be possible to spend so much time with one person and be so intimate while stressing that you don't want commitment? I truly didn't understand that level of denial. And who has the time to try to figure it out? It is totally selfish, and even manipulative to expect someone to be totally monopolized by your wants and needs. I was truly torn because something in me wanted to totally ignore what he said & work with his potential.

Working with a person's potential can get you into a lot of trouble. We look at our respective mates and summarize what makes them "worth it" for us. Their resume could include all kinds of security factors that we need to exist from day to day but also could include qualities that we have idealized our perfect partner possessing. So even though he may be saying that he doesn't want a commitment, we are reading that resume and even more closely reading his actions. Oftentimes, they may say they aren't ready, yet insinuate affections and insist on having a very time consuming, intimate, and affectionate relationship with you. Not realizing that those intimacies are often reserved for the object of a woman's true affections . Many times, when women think of flings or trysts we think of brief, unfeeling, encounters whose satisfactions are short of a sex toy's. We do not associate complexity of emotion or in depth relationships. Our flings are of convenience. So as soon as some sort of routine forms and emotions are shared or anything contrary to a "fling" occurs, even if it's just the first stage, women see themselves in a relationship.

In the long run, if his mouth says no, just roll with that. Pay no mind to the green light type signals he is giving if he is adamant that he can not commit. And if he cheats later, he could tell you that he told you in the beginning that he wasn't ready. Forget potential! If he's wants to be with you, let it be on his own accord. And should you ever find that your relationship of convenience is no longer convenient, then you are better off stopping it before it goes any further. This is especially paramount if you know that you are looking for a relationship. There should absolutely be a distinction between the benefits of being a companion vs benefits of being our friend. And I don't know about you but I just don't want anyone who gives off mixed signals or is unsure about how he feels about me. If he says no to a relationship, that's just how you should take it! And if he doesn't truly mean no, he should learn that the consequences of not saying what he means could be losing you. Then it will be up to him to either put up or shut up.

Can Someone Be Duplicated?

I ran into an ex recently, and had a very informative conversation. We took a very unexpected trip down memory lane and I am always amazed to hear how different his memories are than mine. He disclosed to me that there was something that he always found intriguing about me, but never was able to express. I sat back & listened to him and found myself wondering how in the world I managed to get into this...

I listened as he carefully explained to me that one of the things he liked most about me was my scent. Explaining how it was consistent, and always alluring his face totally lit up. He even tried to describe the combination of scents as if he was trying to figure out a recipe. Since we spent lots of time together, it was no surprise that he was aware of the products I used daily such as soaps, lotions, perfumes, etc. When he went so far as to tell me that he has even suggested those products to his current girlfriend, it got weird. How do you attempt to decipher some one's scent, and then go so far to give that compilation to someone else in hopes they will smell the same way?

I have struggled with how to put this story into words from the time he told it to me. I truly think his intent was that this information come off as a compliment. However, I can not help but find myself offended that I could be reduced to fragrance. I have so many other real talents & gifts that he could have mentioned & appreciated. But this secret seemed to be the one he held closest to his heart (or at least his vest). Although I did not share his enthusiasm, I did not admonish his statements. I wanted to first address what was most concerning to me & get to the bottom of why this was so disturbing. This isn't like buying two women the same perfume. It seems more calculated than that. I have read articles about how people associate scents with feelings and memories. He clearly looks back at our time together very fondly, but this is going too far. I've never understood men who would give two women the same gift. No imagination. No creativity. Not that those things are synonymous with a person who'd be involved with two people at once anyway, but I still expect more. I'd like to think that every person has developed a system that works for them. What really bothers me is the fact that if he isn't happy with what she already has, why give her anything that he would associate with me?

I began by acknowledging what he said. I told him that I was flattered, and also understood wanting to capture some of the qualities you like the best in the people you date. I even admit to doing it at times. Usually there are a few similarities that you would find in each of my relationships, but I never tried to duplicate anyone. I also informed him that I found it a little "Single White Female" ish...I asked him to consider role reversal scenario where I asked how he would feel if I had done that to him. I also pointed out to him that you can't duplicate a person's qualities no matter how hard you try. Whatever comes with a person (including their scent), you need to learn how to deal with it, or leave them alone. The sentiment itself is disturbing enough, but when you combine it with that level of deceit, it seems almost psychotic. I had never deemed him as being crazy, but the thought of him sniffing his girl & thinking of me gave me the creeps...

They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery. Maybe I should just take it as a compliment and not give his silliness another thought. I know that fundamentally, he could not mold another woman into being me. There is no knockoff version of another person. I just wonder how he came up with the idea and then found the nerve to execute it. But the funniest thing about the whole situation was how a conversation that was meant to be a merry trip down memory lane turned into a totally weird moment & reminded me of why my ex is in deed, my ex. I can not be duplicated.