After You've Broken Up, Is It Possible to Still (Occasionally) Hook Up & Keep It Casual?

We've all done it. Sex with an ex aka backsliding. Sometimes it seems as if the things that drove you apart don't exist. For a few hours/days/minutes we can forget all of the reasons why we ever let them go. And although we know it may only be temporary, our physical bodies seem to have a lifelong attraction for some of our old acquaintances.

Realizing that it could never work, but also recognizing a beautiful connection I often wonder if I could ever compartmentalize my feelings enough to rekindle only the physical aspect of a previous relationship. A relationship that I am certain to never go back to.

It seems that such strong emotions against a relationship would turn off any type of sexual attraction but its just not that simple. When people are drawn together physically, it can drown out the noise of past transgressions. That attraction can be the only thing that matters sometimes. Of course coupled with a good relationship, it can be the stuff that dreams are made of, but what if you only have part of the winning combination? Do you throw away the whole thing, or do you save that piece that you still have?

Save the beauty is what I have thought to myself when I find myself looking at my ex snuggled comfortably in my bed. But when he is not there, and I am in my day to day life I wonder why I settled for a piece of something instead of holding out for the whole thing. Logically it doesn't make sense, but at those times...the heart wants what the heart wants. So I've decided that maybe there is not particular rule regarding this. I think that in life we move through it by taking pieces of happiness where we can get them. To live is to know that there is no whole piece. That love gets chipped and broken all of the time and has to be stitched, repaired, and maintained at all costs. Maybe that one thing that keeps you coming back for more is the one thing that opens a dialogue to possibly fix what has been previously broken.

I'm not saying that sex is a good foundation of which to build a relationship. But I do know that in my experience, I have had some of the most honest and forthcoming conversations with my ex during these times. Funny how feeling as if there is nothing to lose makes it easier to put all of your cards on the table. During the times that we've "backslid" I've come to see my ex in a whole new light. I've seen his vulnerability and thoughtfulness. And even though I know I can't go back to him, I am now able to at least respect him.

First Kiss, First Love Lesson

Looking back at my very first kiss, I laugh at how awkward it was. The boy that I liked so very much had written me a note asking me if I would be his girlfriend: yes or no. I responded and we proceeded to go together. Of course in fourth grade, all this meant was that when we had the chance we would sit together, and he would buy me candy. We spoke more before we became boyfriend/girlfriend than afterward. I can recall this being my first time being "attracted" to the opposite sex.

It seems as if we spoke to each other more before we became boyfriend/girlfriend than afterward. I don't know what happened, but it was as if neither of us knew what to do next, and it scared us. But we wrote our love notes and decided the next step was to kiss. And I could not wait. I sat in my room fantasizing about us kissing and holding hands, taking walks and being in love...I remember looking out my bedroom window thinking, thinking, thinking...

Let me explain also that I went to a Roman Catholic Elementary School. The nuns at St. Marys made prison guards look like girl scouts. Although never one to get out of line, I can honestly say that I've been swatted by them plenty of times. So we knew we could not get caught doing it at school. Between the nuns and my father who didn't even allow me to have boys as friends, my life would be over. So, I begged my parents to allow me to catch the bus home and asked my Bo to walk me to the bus.

I was so excited until I realized I didn't know what to do. What kind of kiss was he talking about? I started going crazy wondering how I agreed to this whole thing without more details! Dam him! That note was too simple! I needed more information about this and there was no time. My stomach was doing somersaults and the time seemed to be speeding up by the minute. I was so nervous and scared, it was like I was challenged to fight a boy after school-not kiss him!

We got all the way to the bus stop. He looked at me, but I could not look at him. I saw the bus approaching in the distance and was so glad this was all about to be over. When the bus stopped in front of me, I finally looked at him. He smiled at me almost as if to say, not to worry. He didn't even come toward me as I walked up to the bus. And just like that, I was not afraid. I turned and went toward him, and planted one dead on his surprised lips. I let the kiss linger on my lips for a few seconds and turned on my heel and stepped onto that bus a woman!

My first kiss had almost turned into a disaster. I over-thought the situation and turned it into something bigger than life. I almost deprived myself of all of the pleasure that I was originally excited by. But when the time came, I had to make a choice. This was my first time choosing love over fear. It was good practice. And I am glad that I started early because it surely would not be my last!

The Mooch

When I told this story to one of my friends, I wasn't surprised that she also had the same experience. I've discussed it before, but the deterioration of the quality of men these days is almost sinful.

What led to this conversation was this: I met a very nice guy. He had manners, a good job, was handsome--the works! We'd met up a few times but had never really had a date. We spoke over the phone frequently but somehow avoided making any real plans. One night we were on the phone and I mentioned I was making dinner. We had been on the phone for 30 minutes or so, and he never mentioned a desire to make plans with me that night. But after I told him I was cooking, he wanted to come over?

As I mentioned, he is a nice guy. But may I also mention that after meeting up with him a few times and noticing that he didn't offer to pay for my drinks or open my car door I was turned off. He didn't make me feel like a lady. He made me feel like he was just a male buddy. See, what I am attracted to in a man, is his manliness. There are distinct behaviors that make men masculine in the same way that there are distinct behaviors that make women feminine. I am not attracted to men who takes shortcuts. Nothing personal, but its like a switch just turns off inside. We all know that there are many women who do not expect much and to which shortcuts are just fine. That just is not my preference. The men in my life treat women like women. My father, brothers, cousins, son, and grandfather are all that way. And let me add that when they are around, I was taught to treat them like men. Happy to be a dutiful host, serve them and care for them as the woman in their life should.

Back to the mooch...so this guy who I have already established in my mind I am no longer attracted to wants to come over and eat! Not only am I wondering why he thinks that now would be the time for him to come to my home, but also why does he think I would want to share my food with him? When he has made it clear that he isn't going to go out of his way, why does he think I would go out of mine? And after he asks, he mentions us snuggling up on my couch (btw which turned my stomach). So in addition to me feeding him, he also wants to "cuddle"? Would somebody please get these men off the streets please? They are killing me!

Look, I understand that there is a shortage of men out there. But we do not have to settle for this type of behavior! His credentials don't make him exempt from the criteria of having manners and not using women. Why have we dropped the qualification that our men treat us like ladies? Yes, we can make it on our own. Yes, we may have to be tough in the world to make it, but at the end of the day, most women want to be treated like a woman by their men. And that does not mean take care of her man while he does nothing for her! Nothing turns me off faster than a man who wants the world but doesn't want to give anything. I always said it doesn't matter how rich or poor people are. What matters is their generosity and sincerity. And when we pay attention, we can determine this very early into our relationships.

What this guy didn't know when he asked me that question was that he was hammering the last nail into his coffin. We couldn't even be friends. It was obvious that he was looking for a one-sided relationship-and not in my favor. There were too many indications that this was a dis functional relationship waiting to happen. I appreciated knowing what to look for so as to see chumps like him a mile away so that I know when to cross the street.

To Valentine or not to Valentine?

Valentine's day for a girl like me means almost the same as when I was in 5th grade. Various cards, candies, and potential suitors. It's funny because its usually when you don't have any options that you realize how much you would like them, but not me! I cherish my dating life and take it very seriously. I think my approach to dating is why I am able to continue without having any real hard feelings towards the ones that "just didn't work out".

Most people say that its just another day and that its become too commercialized to really mean anything any more, but I love Valentine's Day. I like the expression of affection especially at a time where people aren't exactly putting their best foot forward. Love is in the air, and like it or not, there is a buzz in the air also.

Being such a romantic I actually walk around with those valentines from back in the day in my pocket and hand them out to various people. I send my special loved ones valentines in the mail with hearts and xoxoxo all over them. I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing affection. I wish I could do it more often! And the best part about the whole thing is the affection you get in return! So the next time you think a girl doesn't care about Valentine's Day, think twice. There are some of us still left who really get into it!

Happy Valentine's Day!

xoxoxoxoxoxox

I Think I dated You Before

I met a very nice, very handsome young man that I had a lot in common with. He was very attentive, laid back, and mature. I liked him very much. We spoke on the phone every day and we had lots of fun together. We hit it off from the start.

After we began planning my move-in, I began to feel more excited. I couldn't figure out why this stage in our relationship had me so anxious. Although I knew that moving together was going to be a big step, I felt like everything up until that point had been the normal progression of things. It was when I spoke to one of my girlfriends and she teased me that he looked like my "type". Always priding myself on being an equal opportunity dater, I rolled my eyes and asked her what she meant. As she explained, I thought about how he reminded me of a guy I dated years ago. The way he treated me, the way he responded to me...Hell to be honest they look like they could be related. How could I not see it?

What was even worse was that I realized that my previous relationship ended before we got to the moving-in stage but that I always wished we could have gone further. Which is why my new relationship seemed to be moving into uncharted territory. I'd done it all before with an older version!

So what does this mean? I think it's far more than having a particular type. It almost seemed as if I was trying to clean up my previous relationship even though that was never my intent. I had genuine feelings for my new guy. They did not ever seem to have anything to do with my past.

So what to do? Continue on with my new old boyfriend? Seriously, does he deserve to know the similarities or is that irrelevant as long as our relationship continues to be good?

Shining Your Light

The best Holiday to me is the one you spend with your best friends and family. Either relaxing at home eating goodies and spending quality time, or out visiting and exchanging gifts and catching up.

Time is our rarest commodity. We can never get it back. Whom we choose to spend our uncertain amount of that time with is our most important choice. So often we are thrown into situations with people at work, school, or elsewhere. Some of these people, we know we would never choose to be around. Some of these people, we are so glad they were there because they made the time spent so much better.

In the past year, I've learned the value of my time. I learned that those who do no appreciate it, will no longer have the benefit of it. I also learned that good or bad, we can choose with whom we spend the majority of our time. While procrastinating and settling, we need to think about how precious our time is. There are so many things to do and people to meet that if we really could calculate our time, we would never be able to do all of the things we would truly want to do.

So now even if I'm stuck in line, or in a new class, I've learned to try to squeeze some joy or humor into my life. I look around me or talk to people who are suffering with me and try to find some sort of value in the experience. Since doing this, I've heard the funniest stories and been apart of some of the weirdest circumstances but they were all made better because of how I chose to spend my time. I let my light shine wherever I am.

This can also go in the opposite direction. In the past I've spent time with some toxic people who I should not have given a second glance. I've suffered through other people's anguish out of kindness even when I knew they were just wallowing. Some crosses are not ours to bare. And some things we can not fix or change. When this is the case, and someone is bringing down the value of our time, we need to learn to walk away. In the simple act of walking away we can increase the value of what we are doing with our time. We can choose to go from wasting time, to making the most of our time by simply being aware that the clock is always ticking.

So this Holiday Season, I want to spend more quality time with the people I truly care about, and stop wasting my time on the people who aren't adding value to my life. I want to laugh and continue to see the beauty in life. This is a habit of being optimistic. With so much negativity out here, you really have to be aware and work on this habit. And it may require cutting some very deep ties and finding new forms of support. But the ultimate goal of living a life of quality and value is so worth it.

What Do You Do When A Date Is Headed For Disaster?

I have had more times than I can count where I am on a date with a guy, and something happens where some threshold is crossed, or some boundary is overstepped, and I have an overwhelming desire to just bolt. In my mind, its the selfish thought of wondering why I should waste another moment on something that seems like its not going to work out. It's also an idiotic thought because at times, I know I haven't had sufficient time to make that type of judgement. Hell I get tired. Some days I don't even want to make the effort to go on these dates. Give me a good book, and some take-out and I can have a wonderful night at home in sweat pants!

Remembering my ultimate goal (to leave no stone unturned) will help me to keep going. And if I am going to make the effort, I may as well be fair about it. My guilty conscience has gotten the better of me, and I don't want to skip out on someone who has taken the time to show up. So I've resolved not bolt in the middle of a date anymore. (I must admit that I am getting a flashback to the nose picker and hoping that scenario doesn't happen again under this new rule) Even though I felt that it was necessary in some of the previous circumstances, I am resolving to be fair. I want to make a conscious effort to evaluate the pros and cons of if we are compatible before I just up and leave without ever looking back or taking their call again. (This rule does not apply if I feel I am in danger or if they have a disgusting habit that makes me nauseous.)

With this new way of thinking, I have tried to prepare myself for what I will do instead of bolting when a date is heading for disaster. I have it in my mind to check my attitude if I hear or feel myself getting annoyed. I will curb my tongue if I think I may say something crude because of being annoyed. I will ask an open ended question and let speak until he runs out of steam. (He could either redeem or hang himself with this) I will excuse myself and go powder my nose to give us both a chance to regroup. I will try to remember that this is awkward for most people, and as an experienced dater, I should be gracious and welcoming. From one human being to another, I must show the same consideration that I'd like to be shown to me. Why stop someone before they begin? And why leave them with no reason as to what went wrong? Out of common courtesy, I will give a fair chance and resolve to make my decision at the end of the date.

So here I am with my new plan. We will see how well this works out...But I believe that being self aware of this ongoing habit has helped me to keep the remedy close at hand. I may have to work a little harder to form a new habit, but I think I am going in the right direction. I am hoping that my intolerance or impatience hasn't caused me to give up too soon on a guy that I may have really enjoyed, but if that is so I am changing the game now. Another lesson learned.

His Actions Say Yes, But His Mouth Says No?

It happens to us all at some time or another. We are minding our own business and doing our own thing. Then someone comes into the picture and before we know it, our business has become their business and our lives are intertwined. Personally, I've had times where I just had to pause for a moment and wonder how this all happened so fast. We were supposed to be taking it slow and having fun! How did we begin planning our lives together?

A nice guy I was dating kept stressing that he wanted to take it slow. Yet he proceeded to push our relationship to its limits. Even though he insisted that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he made sure that our relationship was more than just "casual". His mixed signals made our friendship more complicated than it needed to be. I totally respect not wanting to push yourself into a commitment that you are not ready for. But at the same time, how could it be possible to spend so much time with one person and be so intimate while stressing that you don't want commitment? I truly didn't understand that level of denial. And who has the time to try to figure it out? It is totally selfish, and even manipulative to expect someone to be totally monopolized by your wants and needs. I was truly torn because something in me wanted to totally ignore what he said & work with his potential.

Working with a person's potential can get you into a lot of trouble. We look at our respective mates and summarize what makes them "worth it" for us. Their resume could include all kinds of security factors that we need to exist from day to day but also could include qualities that we have idealized our perfect partner possessing. So even though he may be saying that he doesn't want a commitment, we are reading that resume and even more closely reading his actions. Oftentimes, they may say they aren't ready, yet insinuate affections and insist on having a very time consuming, intimate, and affectionate relationship with you. Not realizing that those intimacies are often reserved for the object of a woman's true affections . Many times, when women think of flings or trysts we think of brief, unfeeling, encounters whose satisfactions are short of a sex toy's. We do not associate complexity of emotion or in depth relationships. Our flings are of convenience. So as soon as some sort of routine forms and emotions are shared or anything contrary to a "fling" occurs, even if it's just the first stage, women see themselves in a relationship.

In the long run, if his mouth says no, just roll with that. Pay no mind to the green light type signals he is giving if he is adamant that he can not commit. And if he cheats later, he could tell you that he told you in the beginning that he wasn't ready. Forget potential! If he's wants to be with you, let it be on his own accord. And should you ever find that your relationship of convenience is no longer convenient, then you are better off stopping it before it goes any further. This is especially paramount if you know that you are looking for a relationship. There should absolutely be a distinction between the benefits of being a companion vs benefits of being our friend. And I don't know about you but I just don't want anyone who gives off mixed signals or is unsure about how he feels about me. If he says no to a relationship, that's just how you should take it! And if he doesn't truly mean no, he should learn that the consequences of not saying what he means could be losing you. Then it will be up to him to either put up or shut up.

Can Someone Be Duplicated?

I ran into an ex recently, and had a very informative conversation. We took a very unexpected trip down memory lane and I am always amazed to hear how different his memories are than mine. He disclosed to me that there was something that he always found intriguing about me, but never was able to express. I sat back & listened to him and found myself wondering how in the world I managed to get into this...

I listened as he carefully explained to me that one of the things he liked most about me was my scent. Explaining how it was consistent, and always alluring his face totally lit up. He even tried to describe the combination of scents as if he was trying to figure out a recipe. Since we spent lots of time together, it was no surprise that he was aware of the products I used daily such as soaps, lotions, perfumes, etc. When he went so far as to tell me that he has even suggested those products to his current girlfriend, it got weird. How do you attempt to decipher some one's scent, and then go so far to give that compilation to someone else in hopes they will smell the same way?

I have struggled with how to put this story into words from the time he told it to me. I truly think his intent was that this information come off as a compliment. However, I can not help but find myself offended that I could be reduced to fragrance. I have so many other real talents & gifts that he could have mentioned & appreciated. But this secret seemed to be the one he held closest to his heart (or at least his vest). Although I did not share his enthusiasm, I did not admonish his statements. I wanted to first address what was most concerning to me & get to the bottom of why this was so disturbing. This isn't like buying two women the same perfume. It seems more calculated than that. I have read articles about how people associate scents with feelings and memories. He clearly looks back at our time together very fondly, but this is going too far. I've never understood men who would give two women the same gift. No imagination. No creativity. Not that those things are synonymous with a person who'd be involved with two people at once anyway, but I still expect more. I'd like to think that every person has developed a system that works for them. What really bothers me is the fact that if he isn't happy with what she already has, why give her anything that he would associate with me?

I began by acknowledging what he said. I told him that I was flattered, and also understood wanting to capture some of the qualities you like the best in the people you date. I even admit to doing it at times. Usually there are a few similarities that you would find in each of my relationships, but I never tried to duplicate anyone. I also informed him that I found it a little "Single White Female" ish...I asked him to consider role reversal scenario where I asked how he would feel if I had done that to him. I also pointed out to him that you can't duplicate a person's qualities no matter how hard you try. Whatever comes with a person (including their scent), you need to learn how to deal with it, or leave them alone. The sentiment itself is disturbing enough, but when you combine it with that level of deceit, it seems almost psychotic. I had never deemed him as being crazy, but the thought of him sniffing his girl & thinking of me gave me the creeps...

They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery. Maybe I should just take it as a compliment and not give his silliness another thought. I know that fundamentally, he could not mold another woman into being me. There is no knockoff version of another person. I just wonder how he came up with the idea and then found the nerve to execute it. But the funniest thing about the whole situation was how a conversation that was meant to be a merry trip down memory lane turned into a totally weird moment & reminded me of why my ex is in deed, my ex. I can not be duplicated.

Do You Listen to Your Intuition?

Is there a such thing as "Women's Intuition"? I know a lot of men would beg to differ, but I believe that there is. Not only have I had mine reveal things that my conscious mind couldn't handle, but I've also seen other women's in action. Some people like to make fun of intuition. They think it sounds crazy or too much like the ravings of a mad person...until those ravings ring true. Then there is no choice but to believe.

In life, we all have different experiences that shape & mold us. We also share our lives with others, and often find ourselves empathetic to what they may be going through also. We are taught to read what is before our eyes, and anything else is only speculation. If it's intangible, it can not be held against someone right? So even when we get those "feelings", we tend to go against them because there is nothing substantial to base those feelings on.

I can not begin to count the times I've heard women say "I just knew". Out of the examples (and I've seen quite a few) that I've seen, mostly everyone who had a suspicion/feeling was usually right. But although they had such strong feelings, they did not act because there was no proof. I like to think that this is a guilty person's argument. When guilty people are accused of doing something wrong, you often hear them repeat that there is no proof. Many times this is said before they ever proclaim innocence. Guilty parties will try to dismiss intuition and label it paranoia, but secretly be appalled at its accuracy. They may even wonder if the suspicion is based off of some slip-up on their part. The point I am making is that there are times where we will never know the whole truth. We can snoop and be suspicious, and never get an ounce of validation. Intuition is karma's way of warning you that there is something wrong even when there are no other warning signs.

I believe that intuition is given to everyone (not just women) for a reason. There are times where a thought occurs to you and you dismiss it. Then later, you find that your first inclination was not only correct, but spot-on! As this happens more & more, some people are able to hone into this ability and learn to trust it--even lean on it as a survival mechanism. Other people live their whole lives dismissing it. If you are wise, you learn to listen to your gut and it's proven track record. Shoot first & ask questions last. And contrary to what some people may think, nobody wants to believe that they are being lied to or deceived. It hurts to come to these revelations, but thank goodness that we can be enlightened and do not have to be any one's fool.

The idea of this blog post came to me because I was sitting on my bed doubting and second guessing my intuition again. Even after all of the times that it has truly saved me, I can't believe that I still don't want to believe in it. And on the other hand, there is a very strong part of me that wants to believe that there is really good in people and I am just jaded. But as I sit here knowing where my trust lies, I know what I must do. It's very simple: I keep cool. I don't snoop, sneak, spy, or pry because the best thing about intuition is that what lives in darkness will always come to light, and never by my hand. And if I am wrong, and crazy, and paranoid, shame on me. But time has already proven to me that I am right and that it is time for me to high-tale it out of harm's way.

Sex With An Ex

From time to time, we all get lonely. The best laid plans fall through, and as humans we desperately need human touch. So when nothing else is panning out, and we are in dire need, oftentimes, we turn to what is most familiar. All it takes is a stroll down memory lane (that does not include the bickering & fighting) to spark a haphazard reunion. Like an old habit that has been dormant, it never ceases to amaze me how easy it can be to dig up your security blanket and wrap yourself in it when the world has been unkind.

Even though many times there is nothing more to it than just comfort, other times there are hidden agendas that are unearthed. After one of my exes continued to seek "comfort" on a regular basis, I questioned him as to why and how he could want to continue that way. He explained to me that although he enjoyed my company, he did not want to make the effort to have a real relationship. After that revelation, I realized that there is a difference between leaning on someone & using someone. Strangely enough, even though he wanted no commitment, he did various things to indicate that he wanted much more than just a casual relationship. He wanted to be in my life, but did not want to work for his position. He honestly thought that if he could satisfy my itches that needed to be scratched, he would seal his placement.

When I begin to date a new guy, I am always curious to know what their relationship is with their ex. And because I've backslid before, I know what to look for. It's a little tricky because often there is no relationship at all with the ex. And even if they say they can't stand their ex, that means nothing. Don't let that fool you though because, again, all it takes is a few seconds to dial or send a text that can set off a chain of events that lead to the ultimate "oops". Loneliness is like hunger. When that feeling hits you, you may not be able to think straight enough to stick to your guns.

Honestly, there is no way to tell if a person will ever have a slip up. Our exes may hold special places in our hearts. There may be no explanation as to why or how. And if the stars are properly aligned and circumstances permit, you may wake up and find your past laying next to you. Only you can decide if the past is where you want your heart to be. Is a band aid better than an open heart? Things can get really messy, and if you aren't sure about how you feel, you need to get clear before you play with fire. Sex with an ex can be a temporary solution to loneliness, but ultimately end up costing us a lot more than we ever bargained for. Proceed with caution!

Is Kissing Too Intimate?

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? As a girl who does not give away kisses or any of my time & affection freely, I don't understand these people who do such intimate things such as kissing people that they have no emotional connection to. I made the choice not to indulge in casual kissing because I hold it sacred. I look at it as being almost as intimate as having sex. Not just the exchange of body fluids but also the spark you feel when you close your eyes and let go...This is valuable to me. I have gathered that anything that I hold sacred tends to lose it's value the more loosely I disburse it.

In a time where oral sex is not just for married people anymore, I am looked upon as somewhat of a prude for this point of view. But this is just my point--people are doing things that used to be reserved for someone special with just anybody. Nothing is sacred. Doing it all can happen with a total stranger at any time. It's the norm. From teens to senior citizens, there is plenty of emotionless sex to be had in 2009. There are commercials for sexual enhancement drugs and stimulating gels and even condoms on television as if encouraging taking things farther, faster.

I don't let this madness influence my morals. I never thought I would be so thankful to be old school. I am proud to say that I do save quite a bit for my special guy. Otherwise, how would he feel special or different from the "tide me over" guy? Back in the day, I used to ponder over kissing on the first date. And guys certainly didn't expect to have any sort of sex with you (unless you were the neighborhood hood rat)! And back then, a man could go his whole single life without getting a decent blow job. In my day, each level of affection corresponded with a level of intimacy based on the progression of a relationship. And yes, many guys & girls lied about their level of true affection or goals for the relationship just to get laid. But the simple fact that they lied means that even through ill intentions, they knew that sex was a valuable thing.

Personally speaking, I believe we should all respect ourselves enough to draw the line and be firm on the decision to respect our bodies & boundaries. Hell, I can appreciate good sex as much as the next person, but not everybody deserves for you to pull out all of the stops for them. Not even if you want to. There is nothing wrong with being discriminating about who you are blessing with your presence. This includes your body and your mind. If not, just be ready for an endless stream of shallow relationships where you are treated as a sex object performing your perfected chore.

For some reason, I think a lot of women and young girls go all out in an effort to prove themselves to the opposite sex. They are looking for affirmation that they have some worth, even if their worth is being a sex object. I have heard some say that it is better to be wanted for that than nothing at all. Others have said that if they don't do it, he will find someone else to do it, and they don't want to lose them. It makes me sad because if they took a little time by themselves to examine all of the beautiful things about themselves, they probably wouldn't think that being alone is such a bad thing. When you focus on yourself, you find endless opportunities for perfection which spurs most people into the action of fixing & nurturing themselves. A person who is looking inward tends to hold themselves in higher esteem. They tend to strive for perfection. Not always succeeding but always making progress. They are particular about what they do with their bodies and minds. They do things to stimulate the mind, and exercise the body.

I thank my Grandmother for giving me such high self esteem & self image. She taught me early on to value even the things about myself that I hated and to thank God for the things that I liked. I was encouraged to always seek knowledge and not take just any body's word for things. I learned that in my life, my opinion was the only one that counted. So I say all this to make the point that kissing can be too intimate for relationships that aren't going anywhere. But for the ones that are romantic and passionate, I strongly encourage it. Kissing as well as any extension of yourself should be a step toward intimacy. These things should not be expected or taken for granted or given lightly. It is up to the individual to draw that line. If you don't speak up & demand respect for yourself, nobody else will.

Is There a Look of Love?

I maintain that being in love is better for a person's looks than any beauty product out there. If you are in love, or know anyone in love, you can test this theory yourself. I've found that I am more apt to work out and quit bad habits when I am in love. And lets not even go into if the sex is good & how many calories you can burn off & the great stamina you can build up...At any age, being in love can bring out the very best in a person. To feel loved and love someone can put that extra spring in your step and put you at the top of your game.

Let's face it! There is lots of grooming and primping that we can either choose to indulge in or totally ignore. When we are complacent, we don't do as much as when we are "fishing" or "courting". I know that we girls pull out all of the stops with our highest heels, our slinkiest dresses, and our sweetest perfume to entice and lure our men. We keep everything tight and just the way he likes it and because we know we are pulling together a total package. Men may work out more, groom themselves a little more, and even adhere to some sort of style to show off their swag. Like the Peacock, he wants to show his feathers are like no other. And because you are doing this for yourself, it boosts your confidence and the glow is reflected in almost everything you do. If you don't know if you are in love, just look in the mirror. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone, but oftentimes this is a spot on indication of how much effort you are putting into your relationship.

Ironically, being in love is noticeable to the other members of the opposite sex as well (besides your mate). There is an air about a person in love that makes the opposite sex want to be the object & recipient of their affection. Your eyes may follow them all the way down the street and your subconscious may wonder what it is about them. When you think about it, it really makes sense in a primal type of way. Survival of the fittest. We instinctively want people who have good genes, traits that are compatible with ours, but also one who are desired & sought after by others, and favored by the masses. They are also attractive because happy people tend to have a more positive attitude. And a good attitude is infectious.

Being in love can be such great motivation to be at your best. So, in many ways there can be a look of love. Its the smirk of security, and the wink of happiness that you are reminded of when you see someone in love. It can make you want to be like them, or be with them but it is obvious. The glow may not be literal, but the overall presentation seems to be much better and more put together because of raised consciousness & awareness. But even with all of this, the look of love is simply a residual effect. The really beautiful part of love is not the way it looks, but the way it feels when you are in it!

Just Not That Into Who?

There are signs that indicate whether or not a person is interested or not. Of course there are very obvious signs like lack of attention, and evasiveness. But if a person is saying that they are interested with their mouth, why would there be any other indication to the contrary? I would like to be able to take people at face value, but too many people can't be honest with themselves let alone with another person about how they really feel.

I understand that nobody wants to put themselves out there for rejection, but acting in a nonchalant manner can give the impression of not being interested. For this reason, if I like someone, I make an effort not to give conflicting signals. Even if I want to hold back, I try to let myself go so that there is no misconception as to what I want. Contrary to what a lot of articles and books say, it is possible to do this without scaring the other person into thinking you are a stalker.

So what is to be gained by this aloofness? Saving face and playing coy can get you the boot quicker than being honest and available. I've heard many say that you don't want to be the first one in a relationship to admit how you feel, but this sounds so silly and childish to me. If you like someone why play games? Especially if there is a risk that you could lose out. And if you do not like them, why string them along? I can play games with the best of them, but I will never be able to understand how frivolous people can be with their time. If I am not feeling it, I don't waste an extra second in discomfort. And I certainly don't want the other person to believe something is going to happen that surely (in my book), will not.

At the end of the day, we are all responsible for ensuring that the impressions we make will be consistent with our true selves. Even if you do not like the person & no matter how awkward it may be, we should be adult enough to make sure that we are being up front & honest. I've played with taking the cowards way out and just avoiding people, and that never really works out. Of course you don't have to be cruel and mean, but simply admit that something just isn't right for you and politely move on. For those that want to argue or convince you, don't fall into that trap. It's just another way to try to get you to engage them. You did your civic duty by being honest, and there is nothing else required. But giving mixed signals and being wishy- washy (is that a word?) brings bad Karma and will only come back to bite you.

Pulling Away

Ever hear the expression "be careful what you wish for because you just may get it"? I've heard it several times, but never paid it any real thought until now. For a long time, I've been on a journey for my soul mate. I've stood on my faith and upheld my personal standards because I knew I would find him. This makes it even more crazy that when faced with my hearts desire, I find myself pulling away. It's almost as if I'd rather take it away from myself instead of having it fall apart after I am in love and invested.

I've done a lot of soul searching lately. I've been asking myself what exactly is making me hesitate? Vulnerability isn't comfortable, but I think I have worked through that. The one thing that keeps coming back to me is that hesitation is a habit for me. To explain further, in the past my hesitation has saved me from being caught up in relationships that were not right for me. That survival instinct has been reinforced with every loser I've dated in the past and is stronger than ever. I thought I could but, I don't know if I can turn it off.

This instinct takes the form of a voice that points out every single thing that could possibly be wrong. But like good versus evil, there will automatically be some type of clarity or revelation that shows me that this is exactly what the right thing looks like. I am having this emotional tug of war in my head without ever saying a word. Strangely enough, the more time I dedicate to thinking about it, the more I begin to daydream and even fantasize and become dreamy (my face is totally twisted & contorted in disbelief)...

Ultimately, good does overpower evil. Instead of pulling away from love, I am finding myself pulling away from my old habit of self preservation. I value the instincts that have gotten me this far in life. They saved me when I needed to be saved. And it is true that not all people deserve all of the benefits of our love, affection, and admiration. But there will be times in life where you will find those that deserve all of those things and it is only fair to them, that they should receive them.

Never Single But Always Alone

I have a few friends who are never single. Over the years they have managed to seamlessly move from one relationship to another. I've always wondered how they managed to do this. My relationships have been few & far between because I consider myself a quality over quantity type of person. Even though they seem to really be in love and attracted to these guys, the fact that they can transition so easily makes me doubt the sincerity & depth of their true feelings.

I had one friend who was with her guy for the longest time. They did everything together. They were so cute. But when he cheated on her and tried crawling back, we were just as surprised as he was that she had not only moved on, but had moved in with another guy. No time for any grass to grow beneath her feet. We thought that maybe she was doing it to get underneath the first guy's skin, but she ended up living with that second guy for many years. And when that relationship ended, she went right into another one with another guy. I just sit here shaking my head and wondering where she finds her pool of winners...

After discussing it with a mutual friend, we gathered that some people are not happy unless they are hooked up with someone or apart of a couple. When I say not happy, I mean they can not live without another person. And after mulling it over, it isn't that she is picking all winners, it just seems that she is able to accept a lot of flaws and keep the relationship moving toward her ultimate goal of "relationship" status. He may be the first to approach her, but she will go with the flow and become so consumed that before even the guy knows it, they are an item! She plans their dates and sets the agenda for their relationship and never loses track or focus. She doesn't care how it looks or if other people think of her relationship as lacking depth. There is a basic need for her to be in a relationship and nothing comes before that goal.

She says she loves being a girlfriend and feeling needed. And she seems to gravitate toward men who need a woman's touch. They appreciate her choosing their clothes or fixing their lunch. They want a mother figure, and she is always there to fill that gap for them. She is a beautiful girl both inside & out. Their parents always love her, and assist her in convincing the guy that she is what they need. She has this game down to a science but I often wonder if this will be enough for her in the long run. I mean who cares what it looks like if you aren't genuinely happy. How can she be complacent with stretching and pulling a guy into being what she needs? And can he really be stretched and pulled into Mr. Right?

I think we all know the answer to that question. This just shows that a totally sensible person can be in denial about the reasons they choose a mate. And it also proves that many of the relationships that look great from the outside can be based on the shakiest of principles. Nevertheless, these principles are indeed important to these women. There is something that makes them value being in these types of relationships over being alone. Being alone is the absolute worst case scenario for them. But as a single woman, I can honestly say I'd rather be alone than to use another person to bide my time.

Why Am I Afraid of Butterflies?

I know this may seem like such a silly question and even sillier fear to have, but I woke up this morning realizing that butterflies scare me. Not the proverbial butterfly with wings that flutter around from flower to flower. I am talking about that feeling in your stomach that you get when you are excited about something. I can tell my level of emotion for a man by if I get butterflies or not.

The first time I got that "feeling" was in 4th grade. I sat next to a boy that I'd liked since 3rd grade. He liked me too but we didn't know what to do. In 3rd grade we were friends, but after the butterflies came, we both clammed up. My palms would sweat, and I was afraid that if I even looked at him, he'd know all of the feelings I had for him. It made me very nervous, and for the first time, I felt vulnerable. We eventually were able to put all of our butterflies aside, and began passing notes. He would buy me candy and walk me home from school. We'd talk on the phone, and do our homework together. At the end of 4th grade, he gave me my very first kiss. I must say that it was far sweeter than any of the candy he gave me.

Since then, I've gotten them a few more times but it's been a while since a man truly gave me butterflies. Lately, I've been getting them more and more. I am realizing that my new "friend" excites me more than I am comfortable with. I seem to revert back to 4th grade and get the sweaty palms and nervousness. What's worse is the vulnerability I feel. And because nobody likes being uncomfortable, I tend to look for any and every reason to get the hell away from this situation. It's like I still don't know what to do! Indeed, those butterflies scare the hell out of me!

For goodness sakes, I've dated nose pickers, whore mongers, and dirt bags yet I flee from butterflies? When there was a case of miscommunication, although I was ready to bolt and just give up, he calmly reassured me and squashed the whole situation. I really appreciated that he understood that being vulnerable is no fun for anybody. And his concern with making sure that I did not lose trust in him was very endearing. I found myself being more attracted to him for being so accountable and responsible. And with the way he handled it, I had no choice but to listen to reason. There was no big blow up. There was no disrespect. There was a glitch. And he handled it. I really can't ask for anything more than that. Even though it seemed a little difficult for him, he laid his cards on the table. His effort made me want to step my game up! That conversation solidified why he excites me so much. Worsening the butterflies...

In this situation, the butterflies represent something new & unknown, but also something beautiful and uncontrollable. I've seen so much and although I am open for love, I am afraid of being hurt. I am not one to live my life in fear. Today I am going forward and facing my vulnerability and my fears. Today, I am going to enjoy my butterflies and appreciate them for what they are. Instead of being afraid, I have decided to allow myself to be excited. Instead of feeling vulnerable, I will allow myself to feel safe with him. Starting this chapter is unknown territory, but I am going to allow myself to enjoy it instead of being afraid or intimidated by it. Long live the butterflies!

Love or Lust?

One of the hottest relationships I've ever had was with a man who was able to satisfy me physically. The passion was so intense, and the time we spent together now seems like a total blur. Conversations, phone calls, texts all led to us being together. Inseparable. We'd sometimes only leave bed to take care of those things that could not be avoided such as working, running errands, and family functions. At the time, I could have sworn I loved him, but now I wonder if it was just lust.

Whats the difference between having an electrical physical connection, and love? If they are both dynamic forms of emotion that can overwhelm your body and soul couldn't they both be the same? As I think back to all of the hand holding, and affection I also recall feeling trapped. Being so close to another person all of the time would make me feel almost claustrophobic. Yet some of our biggest fights were about one of us leaving the other's presence.

As strange as it sounds, when you spend all of your time with one person it may be hard to grow in other areas. We were both successful at work and other ventures we took up, but it seemed that our families and friends thought we were in our own little world. We let very few people in. We spent hours upon hours talking and walking and sharing our thoughts and ideas. But when it came down to it, we couldn't let each other go long enough to execute any of them. That type of clinging hurt us tremendously. We never learned how to be together, and still be all of the things that our lives called for us to be. We became insecure and jealous of anything that took us away from each other. And our time together became fewer and farther between.

Love does not deprive you of anything. It gives you more of what you need. In my experience, you are better for it. You are strong within it, and can tackle anything with love as your security blanket. Being one of the seven deadly sins, lust is very powerful and not to be underestimated. It is very similar to love and it often takes on the same shape and form. We did ourselves such a dis-service by relying so heavily on our physical connection. Instead of working on venturing out and still being able to come back together, we just gave up. Craving some one's attention and affection can manifest into addiction. Some of the most unhealthy relationships stem from people not wanting their partner to live or function in life without them. People have told me to just let it go, but we haven't found it to be that easy. Like any addiction, you have to first be convinced that something is bad for you before you want to leave it alone. And for years we held out hope that maybe we were not as toxic for each other as the world seemed to think.

As time went by, we were unable to get our footing and establish a firm foundation for our relationship. But we were able to easily fall of the wagon, and right back into the physical connection that we have always shared. No words, no changes. Just us. Sometimes we would just sit there for hours in silence because we knew our issues were too big to even go into. And if we did go into them, where to begin? So we took the cowardly way out and left things as is until the next relapse.

What's odd about these sort of "relationships" is that when you are in them, you don't see the harm you are doing to yourself and the other person. It is a totally selfish and evasive way to handle things. Nothing gets solved yet you are still emotionally invested. So you can not really move on and in the back of your mind, you are thinking that you can always lean on that crutch. The love/lust rope can tangle you up so much that you may justify your involvement by masking it as love. It seems silly to continue something that is bad for you just for lust but we do it all of the time. As difficult as it may be, we need to focus on untangling ourselves from anything that is not beneficial to us. Lust is just another form of settling. We must be strong enough to look lust in the face for what it really is and run (don't walk) in the opposite direction. And we can only do that one day at a time. Second by second, we must make the choice to only invest ourselves in something that can bare the fruit we need to sustain ourselves.

Can One Become "Addicted" to Dating?

While in pursuit of Mr. Right, I've found myself in a perpetual stream of dates. I remember the expression that said you may have to kiss lots of frogs before you find your prince. With that in mind, I don't get discouraged when things don't work out the way that I would like after the first few dates. Being an eternal optimist, I chalk it up and keep moving. After watching, listening, and reading my blog entries, a friend asked me if I thought that I may be addicted to dating. He even said that I may not be giving some of the "frogs" equal opportunity to become my prince because I am more intrigued by the newness of a relationship and all of the possibilities that lie ahead before you get to see some one's flaws. Once the newness wears off, he says that I seem to get bored and move on too quickly.

Who does not enjoy the honeymoon phase of relationships? I retorted that I am a fair person, but I live my life like a honeymoon. This has nothing to do with any type of fear of commitment. I take each day as an opportunity to have fun, and learn something new. I take nothing for granted and have committed wholeheartedly to past relationships. Unfortunately, a lot of people in general do not live their lives with those sentiments. Let alone, the men that I have dated. I have seen lots of human flaws and am not the type to judge someone unless those qualities are such that I can not bare to deal with on a day to day basis. I am truly an equal opportunity dater.

As far as being addicted to dating, I am. Even when in a relationship, I found that I made an effort to keep it hot & exciting. I would be fine with dating the same man over and over if we were able to keep it fun & honeymoonish. In the relationships that I have seen that have lasted the longest & where the people involved seemed most happy, those people all say that they had to work at it. I have also found this true in my longest relationships. I am totally willing to put my work in, and am only looking for someone who will do the same. Being addicted to happiness is not a crime. But being in a relationship that no longer excites you should be.

I had to wonder if my friend would have the same opinion if I waited until the relationship was already established to move on. Only because the excitement can leave at any time. If it leaves before the relationship even gets off of the ground, you would be a fool to continue. Why get more involved and invested if there are clear indications of incompatibility in the beginning? I am done with charity. Self doubt and second guessing the things that are most important to me in my relationships have only led to disaster. Of course there are many other factors in keeping a relationship together, but if you are no longer excited, all you end up doing is wandering elsewhere anyway and I am not a cheater. My friend says that there could be a man that is perfect for me in every other way, and that I should be able to "work on" creating and maintaining that excitement. I simply told him that if I need to "work on" anything during the dating stage, I may need to re-think if the person I am dating is right for me and move on to the next frog.

I was sad that my friend thinks that I take my prospects lightly. I believe that overall, most people are more good than bad. I get excited that I may be that much closer to the right one for me. It truly is a let down when I find that we aren't compatible but I can not take it personally. I have and will continue working on myself in order to be the best person I can be for my mate, but I will not compromise what really matters to me. We only get one life. As long as I have realistic expectations of what I can offer and accept, I will continue on my path until my prince is found. It is up to each individual to set their own standards. I make no apologies for loving and enjoying life and searching for someone who can do that with me on terms that I can live with. And I told him that he shouldn't either.

Once Trust is Lost, Can it Ever Be Regained?

Relationships often don't work out because something happens where trust is lost or compromised. Since it is one of the basic building blocks of a firm foundation, I wonder sometimes if trust is lost, can it ever be regained?

Our minds seem to be a storage tank that holds all of our values, ideas, and opinions. Subconsciously we seem to be making decisions and opinions without even noticing the factors that our mind is using as a basis for these thoughts. So when there is an issue with trust, our mind goes over data that has been previously gathered to assess if this extension of trust (like credit) is high risk or low risk. We not only use our own personal experiences with the individual but also use the stored knowledge & opinions of how we notice that individual interacting with others to assess how trustworthy they are.

Because honesty can be subjective (if the other person doesn't know what's truth vs. A lie), its often a judgement call or moral choice to be honest. Many times its simply easier to lie. Telling the truth can open up a can of worms that can get you in much deeper (even if it is the right thing to do). It takes courage to tell the truth. The virtuous path is often the loneliest. A lot of my admiration & respect for my friends has come from their integrity & honesty. Over time, I noticed that when under pressure, they chose the truth. Because once its in your nature, you just are honest & forthright and because of that, people trust you. The ramifications of the truth become benefits.

You are only as good as your word. At the end of the day, when your mind is processing all of the information and looking back over the people you have encountered, you note the people who did what they said they would do. You trust the people who do this consistently. And if someone told just a small one, you may be able to look past it. If its a habit or they are known for telling whoppers, you may become leery of them and not even trust them with the truth when they are genuine.

I have a friend who is a compulsive liar. He lies about everything. Things that aren't even so important, he will lie about. He is a good person, and that is why he is still a friend, but even after 20 years, I still find myself doubting everything he says because I am constantly catching him in lies. We are not as close anymore because it is too much work to try to figure out if he is being dishonest or not. And I realized that because he is consistent with his story telling, it is only a matter of time before his lies have an impact on me. I wish that he realized that he did not have to lie to be a likable person. While he is thinking that those made up things make him an asset, I think it brings his property value down. It also makes him seem superficial and fake which outweighs the many good things about him. At this point, his reputation for being a liar proceeds him and I wouldn't trust him with the simplest things.

This same friend could have easily regained my trust simply by telling the truth. He could have started at anytime. I can tell you that if he could have made it a point to work through the discomfort he felt when being truthful, we could have begun to rebuild the trust in our friendship. I would never be able to forget all of the lies he has already told, but I could learn to forgive him. I've offered him this chance time and time again. As it stands, he still thinks there is nothing wrong and that his friendship should outweigh the lies. So I have given up. I have too many lessons that I am still learning in life to try to teach someone how to be a good friend to me.

In an essence, with a lot of hard work and love, trust that has been lost, can truly be regained. The key to rebuilding trust is that you have to begin with admitting that you were wrong. You must be willing to make restitution for what has happened. Don't expect to have a clean slate, but to have another chance. Work with the broken pieces and try to make it whole again. But just like anything that is broken, it may never be the same. Expect the person who was wronged to have their days where their faith may waiver. Don't let that discourage you. Just work harder and reassure them. In time, the doubts will subside. If not, you may need to re-evaluate the relationship and see if it can be saved. Ultimately you will find that if both parties can put forth an effort to fix it, (no matter how damaged it may seem) you can still make something very beautiful together.

How Many Consecutive Dates Can a Girl Have Before She is Deemed a "Hoe"?

I recently read an article about a famous singer going out on dates with a few famous men in the course of a week. She recently broke up with her ex, and many were surprised to see she was rebounding with some attractive suitors so soon. At the end of the story, there were posts from different readers who were advising her to space out her dates or risk being deemed a "hoe". I found this idea ridiculous for people who live in 2009. These were not the comments of baby boomers who were born in the 50's and 60's, but of young people who appeared to be in their early to mid 20's.

Since when does being seen with someone mean you are sleeping with them? Aren't people allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? And with all the girl has gone through, how can anyone deprive her of any example of decent gentleman or human affection that someone wants to bestow upon her? It always amazes me how in this day & age, people can be so judgemental of women playing the field when men do it all the time.

Being an attractive young woman, this young lady was probably sought after even when she was with her ex. In addtion to that she is famous & has the creme of the crop to choose from. Decisions, decisions...She would be a fool not to take advantage of what the world has to offer. And I say this to most women, and especially young girls: There are so many men out there, how else can you find out what you like or dislike if you have no experience with them? And for the record, I do not condone sleeping with men you are just dating. Once you start sleeping with them, it seems to cross the line from dating, to relationship no matter what the boundaries may be. But dating & getting to know different people is more than just fine--it's encouraged! Dating can be fun, and lets face it we all like to get our ego boosted back up after a bad breakup. My mother used to say the best cure for an old love is to find a new one.

Sometimes, I think that men say those things about women because they like to think that women can only focus on one man at a time. Or they like the idea of a woman growing old as a chaste spinster pining away for her lost love, than to see her so openly moving on and recovering. And then of course there is jealousy at the woman's many options, and maybe even possible that he is jealous that he has no chance to be an option. But men have been calling us sluts and whores for reasons other than our sexual choices for centuries. But What puzzles me the most is the number of women who say this about other women. If she is not sleeping with them, how can she be a hoe? And as a woman, you should be able to identify with this more than men. I think it's more jealousy than outdated values that move women to say such things. Jealousy at the options that they wish they had...youth or beauty that they don't have. That and the parrot syndrome...when women just say things in agreement with men to gain their favor.

In an essence: she shouldn't have to go around clarifying if she is sleeping with them either. Even if she wanted to be a straight up gutter butt stank hoe, as long as she isn't hurting anyone or spreading any diseases, we should care less how many dates someone goes on. I could only hope that they are doing whatever it takes to be happy in their life. Hell, we should all be focused on our own personal lives! Most need work. Because ultimately, minding someone else's business means you surely aren't minding your own as much as you should be. Live and let live.

Is There a Soul Mate for Everyone?

Although I am playing the numbers game as far as dating, I have not had that many serious relationships. I have been in love many times, but I do not ever recall thinking that I'd found my "Soul Mate" until my last relationship.

As awful as some aspects of that relationship were, I remembered thinking that I had never been happier. It was not about love or sex, but the sense of familiarity and comfort that peaked and never dwindled over such a long period of time. There was an intimacy that went beyond the physical and it is hard for me, even now, to put it in a category with any other relationship. I still believe that relationship helped define me as a person more so than any other.

So when it does not work out with your "Soul Mate" what do you do? Since you can not just shrivel up and die or give up, you have to keep going. I believe that there is a such thing as a "Soul Mate" and that they are made perfectly for you. There is not even the slightest alteration or persuasion that is necessary when dealing with them. There is growth, and love, and you overcome challenges together.

What I can now appreciate about that relationship is that it helped me define the things that constitute being my "Soul Mate". And where I used to focus on all of the things that bonded us together, it was really the things that broke us apart that needed to be noted. Those little things were not so small. In fact, they were big enough to break us away from each other. They were the very indicators that he was NOT my "Soul Mate". Close...but not quite. After many years of holding those characteristics close to me, I realize it is time to let them go in order to get the whole package from someone else. See, it's knowing that someone can come so close that reinforces my belief that if you hold out for who is right for you, you can have the happiness you want. If you occupy your time with someone who you know is not the one, you may never find out if it gets any better.

I am not saying to jump ship at the first sign of trouble, but there are some things that we know can not be changed. There are words that can not be unspoken and deeds that can not be undone. And even when those things happen, we may be inclined to hang on because it may be the closest thing to our ideal person that we've ever come across. And who knows, given some time and space, you may still end up with that person, but you should not have to force it take any abuse for that to happen. Finding your "Soul Mate" should be a beautiful thing for those who are looking for it...for those who believe.

As humans, we should be ever changing and always learning. That includes our souls. We need different things at different times in our lives. The person we choose to spend our lives with, the person who is made perfectly for us, will be changing and growing with us. We will not outgrow them or take them for granted. They will not just be the closest thing we've come across. And because of the bumps and bruises of the past, we will be appreciative and welcoming when they come into our lives. We will know them when we see them and there will be no question. And because their role is so important, it may take lots of patience. After all, it's their experiences in life that will make them perfect for you and they may not have learned all that they need to know in order to be perfect for you yet. The waiting is the toughest part, but there is no rushing perfection if you truly believe your "Soul Mate" is out there. And I do believe that there is a "Soul Mate" for everyone. So be patient in your pursuit and humble in your acceptance and know they are out there and made perfectly for you.

Bad Habits Die Hard...

So I had a magnificent date! There were all of the key things you look for in a good date. He was funny, attractive, and very intelligent. We talked and laughed, and laughed and talked. We tasted different wines and he offered me his expertise and made the decision on which one we would settle on. I've been out with this guy before, and he always shows me something new and always a good time. Although he is a bit younger, he is very worldly and well versed. His attire was impeccable, he smelled divine, and he was a true gentleman. As he tucked me into his Mercedes (and all but put my seat belt on for me) I thought to myself "could he be the one?"...

We were back at my place having yet another bottle of wine. We were knee deep in conversation and having some intense eye contact when out of nowhere his hand flies up to his face, right into his nose, and does a quick dig. I could not believe my eyes. He picked his nose right in front of me! My mind didn't know what to process first, the act itself, or keeping up with what he did with those fingers next! Look, I know that one of my issues is with germs. Touching a public door handle freaks me out. But I try not to be too anal. And I've certainly learned to pick my battles on the dating court but this was going too far. I kept thinking that he was going to wipe his hand somewhere, and that it better not be on my ecru sofa or on me! It was almost like he didn't even realize he did it or that it was offensive. It was such a swift and well crafted gesture that if I had turned away, I may not have noticed it at all. But I'm glad I did because that is just nasty! So here I am wondering: is a guy picking his nose on a date a deal breaker?

Ok, so he is a sweetheart, has a very good career and is so handsome that he could model! But it's because he was so polished that he should have known better. I found it hard to believe he didn't know enough not to pick his nose in a lady's presence. He was in a suit jacket for goodness sake! If he were a cocaine addict or compulsive gambler it would be easier to put into perspective. But this could be something he could easily change or at least hide. (Would hiding it be acceptable?)

I must admit that this incident put a damper on the evening, and I ended up doing my usual "runaway date" act where I fake an emergency. I was really disappointed. I was giving this guy the green light. I really liked him. A friend told me not to discount him over something so small compared to all of his other attributes. But I really don't know if I can deal with such a habit. And it isn't the sort of thing that you can mention to someone and hope that they will just stop.

Besides all of this, I had another date (not so long ago) where the guy did the same thing and then proceeded to put his fingers in his mouth and I almost lost my lunch. I don't know why digging in one's nose is so appealing. Because you are using your own fingers as the instrument, and then you have nowhere to put whatever goldmine you find up there. This habit seems to really be hard to break because I've seen people doing it everywhere, especially driving. And what is the fascination with tasting it? That is even worse than the act of nose picking. And if they are nose pickers, does that lead to eventually tasting it? I don't know how this works, but there has got to be some type of intervention available right?

Everyone has bad habits. And nobody is perfect. So what to do? This truly is not the worst thing in the world, but nevertheless, it is a dilemma. I enjoy my time with him and he really likes me. We both want the same things out of life, and we have a very intense attraction to one another. I am still trying to find out if this is something I can tolerate, or if I can get him to stop it! I know there are some things that you must tolerate within a relationship. I guess it's just up to the individual to gage. I think I am going to try again, and if it happens again, I am just going to call him out on it and remind him that we aren't 5 years old anymore and that picking his nose is not acceptable. If he continues and just can't help himself, I will have to do more soul searching, but hopefully he will be as considerate about this as he is about everything else, and just break the habit. Cross your fingers...

Do the People in Our Lives Have Expiration Dates?

A friend of mine offered me the analogy that people are in our lives for a season. She said that some seasons are longer than others. She stressed knowing when the season was over in order to move forward. My mind scanned over many of my relationships with people; my family, my friends, boyfriends, even my enemies. Other than someone dieing, I realized that I've always had control over how long those seasons lasted in my life.

Life gets tough sometimes. Dead weight can sink you. Sometimes in an effort to preserve one's own sanity, and even survival, we find ourselves severing relationships. I think when we are younger, we don't fully understand the concept. We just accept everyone who comes into our lives and deal with them. As our opinions and expectations grow stronger, we begin to form our own sets of beliefs and values. As we do that, we tend to surround ourselves with like minded individuals. We choose people who support us and enhance our lives in some way. Even our family members become favorite cousins, or favorite uncles/aunts etc. We love (and hate) based on what we believe and value.

Sometimes the people close to us change and their views become so different from ours that we begin to question if their presence in our lives are still valid. Are they enhancing or hindering growth and progress? The answer to this often dictates one's season. Even if we don't recognize it or feel it, we are all learning and growing and forming new values and opinions every day. Our goals and just life in general takes us all in different directions. If one were to just ride the wave, we could easily grow so far away from the people we love and value in life. It truly takes effort to hold on to the positive relationships we find in life. Many times you have to reach out and grab those people in order for your lives to stay close while still growing. So when we find that some of our closest relationships are no longer enhancing our lives, it is sometimes easier to cut them loose. And other times, we hinder our own growth by holding on to people whose season has passed.

Their season being over does not mean that the person is bad, or that you may never see them again. It just means that your lives are no longer growing in the same paths that can keep you as close as you used to be. Recently I have been going over some relationships that I have fought to keep close in my life. I wonder sometimes, if I have not hindered my own growth by holding on to the past. The longer the tenure, it seems that we hold the relationship with more esteem. We count the years, reminisce on the past, and commend ourselves for holding on. But at what price? Could it ever be worth it to hinder your own progress in an effort to continue a friendship of 20 years? What if it were your mother? Your child?

Its a judgement call. And you won't ever know if you did the right thing. I think we just have to focus on growth. Whatever that means to you. Our lives will keep going no matter what until our season is over. Each individual has to decide which relationships are worth it to them. Which ones make their heart smile? Which ones give them a headache? Which ones stunt growth, and which ones make them better...We can't keep everyone. We simply will not be able to grow with everyone. And we will often find that it is our season that has passed in some one's life. To move forward, we must pick the people that are the most loving & encouraging while allowing us the most growth as possible on our life's path and even then, we will still be at the mercy of the elements.

How Long Does It Really Take to Move On?

A friend of mine was very upset that her ex had moved on. They have been broken up for 2 months now, and she called me to vent & get some advice because she found out that he was now dating someone else. She seemed to be most upset that he was able to do so in such a short amount of time. We agreed to meet at the park and go for a walk. As we talked & walked, she was truly heartbroken and upset. She explained that although they had broken up, they had not broken away from each other. They still spoke on the phone, and even had a sexual relapse on more than one occasion. Because of this, she thought that they were in the process of working on their issues and reconciling. She had no idea that he was even interested in other women. As she spoke, her emotion turned to anger, and she expressed that she was really pissed that while she was working on their issues, he was playing the bachelor. She was still reserving his spot in her heart and she was angry that he was not doing the same for her.

It was about more than him moving on. It was the way he did it that stuck in her craw. As I listened I totally understood. It reminded me of the Rachel/Ross situation on friends where Ross slept with someone else after he felt that Rachel broke up with him. Rachel maintained that they were not broken up, but were "on a break". There is a serious difference in the way that men & women interpret behavior in the opposite sex. Unfortunately since so many people are so guarded with their emotions, a lot of behavior is subject to interpretation.

After the blow up, she took it as an argument. He took it as a break up. And then after the ordeal, since they were still incommunicado, she figured the commitment was still there and that there were just issues to work on. On the other hand, he saw it as a break up but he was having a difficult time in letting go. While she was working on issues, he was working on distance, and was doing that with someone else. Because he gave up so quickly, she began to question if his feelings were ever genuine. But I am with her in wondering how he could go from one relationship into another so quickly?

Its funny because she may never know the answer to that question. By there being another woman involved she wants to resolve the situation in her mind so that she can move on. But I have a feeling that even though there is another woman, she may not be as much of a threat to their reconciliation as my friend may think. He may just be doing the best he can to cope because he doesn't know what else to do. Some people don't know how to argue. When the going gets tough, they get the hell out of there. Or they hit below the belt or never look back because they have a "renter's mentality" about relationships. They don't fully invest themselves because they want to be ready to hit the escape hatch as soon as the going gets rough. By her emotion, I could tell that she was invested. But who knows? He just may not know how to invest himself or what that looks like. And its important that when in a relationship you know if your mate is in it for the long haul, or just in it for the good times only.

I asked her if she thought that she would be able to have a conversation with him about that. If she could put her anger & emotion aside (because that often distracts people from listening to your real point), and just explain how she felt. After all, if the relationship was over she had nothing to lose, but if it was worth saving, why not lay it all out there? If he still wanted to go their separate ways, she could do so knowing she did what she could. I also told her to be ready for it to go either way. You never know with these things, and I didn't want her to be even more upset if it didn't go her way. If this is the way he deals with conflict, it's best to know now. I told her not to take it personally because a lot of the way that we deal with conflict is learned at an early age and very hard to undo.

Sometimes people have moved on, and haven't even broken up yet. So ultimately it is not about the length of time it takes for one to move on after a break up. What matters is that they have moved on. If she finds that he really has moved on, she must do the same. She shouldn't be stuck on the formalities of how it was done, or how long, or with whom. I told her that when it happened to me, I took it as a lesson in the type of mate I wanted. I know I am a strong woman and it takes a strong man to catch me when I slip. And that means finding a mate that agrees with me about the respect remaining even when we argue...someone who knows that along with the good days, we will have some bad ones and will be ok with sticking them out with me, and who knows that sleeping with someone else or establishing any other relationships would be the end of ours. I told her that if it is time to move on, it just means that she will get another chance with someone else to make sure her expectations are set in the beginning and if they aren't of one accord on what the principles of the relationship should be, she should just keep movin'. (I still have my fingers crossed & am rooting for him though!)