Blind Date Lesson #1

I remember the first time I let someone "fix me up" with a date. It was quite a while ago, & I was newly single and always complaining about it. I recall having such a hard time getting used to sleeping alone. A very good friend of mine said that she knew the perfect guy for me. I was very excited because I've known her since grade school, and we've always been close. If anyone knew my taste it was her.

I proceeded to get ready for my date. When he came to the door, I found myself almost nervous. I'd picked out a hot outfit, and was ready to dazzle him with my first impression. I remember that when I opened the door I seemed to look right past him. I was looking for the guy that was said to be "perfect for me". But this guy seemed to be alone. My heart sank.

I won't go into great detail about the aesthetics, but let me just say, he was not my type at all. As a matter of fact, this man had several factors that, in my book, constituted being a deal breaker. His general appearance did not translate to being that of a man who was going on a first date. Hell, he didn't look like he was going on a date at all! When he came in, I was surprised to see that he had the drinks with him in the form of a case of beer. Did I mention, I am not a beer drinker? Anyhow, between the way he was dressed, and the way he plopped down on my sofa, I knew we weren't going anywhere.

Well, he didn't have the chance to get too comfortable because I faked an emergency with my babysitter and apologized for not being able to go. I explained that I didn't entertain at my home when my children were there, and that we would have to make it some other time. I was so proud of my quick thinking until he retorted "ok, let me call my ride"...I was outdone. After summoning a ride home with his case of beer, he finally left. Never to be seen or heard from again.

I was angry at his lack of depth, but was furious at the matchmaker! I immediately called her and asked her how she ever came to think that this guy was my type. She simply said that she thought he was cute. Let me say, this guy was not hideous. He did not smell bad, or act crazy. He was just not my type of guy. Our demeanor didn't even match. As much as I respected her opinion, and loved her as a person, it was the first time I realized, that every body's taste isn't my taste. She was picking a guy for me based on what she liked about him, and not based on me or my tastes at all. Since then I've learned not to be "fixed up" on any more dates unless the matchmaker is matching us based on our mutual likes & dislikes-as opposed to their personal opinions. Seems like such as simple detail, but one that should certainly be clarified prior to committing to anything. Who knows...I probably wasn't his type of chic either & he was thinking about how glad he was he didn't have to share his beer with the chic with the kids & the shaky babysitter. Needless to say, I never saw him again.

Since then, we've had a few good laughs about it. She blames me for complaining & I blame her for not considering me at all in that decision and then we laugh some more. It's never happened again and we have no hard feelings at all behind it...but that experience was a great lesson in blind dating. I've met some really nice guys, and even had some serious relationships with "fix ups" since then. I learned to be up front with my matchmaker. It's so important to know what your deal breakers are! And even more important to stress them to your matchmaker. And ask about what his are also...Ask questions and if they can't or won't answer them, agree to nothing! It lets the matchmaker know you are serious, and that you don't want to waste any one's time. If they are really trying to help, they will take heed to what your qualifications & expectations are, and your odds of a quality match will be much higher.

Walking the Walk & Talking the Talk

There is a very handsome man that I've been talking to. He is very charming & has a very good conversation. I enjoyed speaking to him and found myself looking forward to chatting with him. We seemed to have lots in common and he was very funny. When he asked me over to cook for me, I found it to be a very sweet gesture. I love a man who can cook!

I must admit that there was a little voice in my head that said that I should make him come to me. I dismissed that voice as the voice of skepticism. Optimism was the word of the day, and dam it, he may be Mr. Right. So, I ventured out and followed his pristine directions to his place. When I arrived at the address I was given, it didn't seem like a home, more like a building. I dismissed my reservations since there had been lots of renovations in that area. It could be perfectly fine on the inside.

I called him from my cell phone, and he came outside. He was beaming. Just as handsome, and sweet as always. He helped me out of my car, and showed me inside. Just seeing him, I felt better about the situation. He invited me in & told me to make myself at home. At that moment, it seemed like I was one of those terminator machines that was sizing up my environment at warp speed. My senses were working overtime to process what I was seeing. As my eyes panned the room for some sort of indication as to how this place would be anything like my home, he went into the kitchen.

My eyes saw a filthy concrete floor, beer cans & bottles littered about. His computer system was an ancient mass of filth and his sofa & love seat had no legs on them & were also dirt ridden. He had several empty cups scattered, a huge mirror that had so much dust on it you could not see anything, and his curtains looked as if they hadn't been laundered in 20 years. I asked him if he was in the process of remodeling. He answered that it was a loft. I don't know what that had to do with it, but ok...I followed him to the kitchen & he offered me food of which I immediately refused. On my way to the kitchen, I saw a huge dog dish and noticed clothes scattered all about. As I looked around, he asked me if I wanted the tour, of which I immediately refused again. Just as my nose began to decipher between the horrible food smell & the scent of the two rottweilers he owned, my mind began to plot my exit.

I must digress for a moment and go back to the many conversations I've had with this guy. He was not a man who seemed crazy or bazaar in any way. He spoke with intelligence and had impeccable manners. I had to wonder how a man who gave no indication that he was mentally deficient in any way, could live in such squalor. He invited me over. He knew I was coming, and did nothing to make his home presentable for me.

After I made my exit, I thought about the advice I gave my friend about going out for practice & experience. This is far more than a notion. I kept thinking about the ad campaign for V-8, and how I could have better utilized that 30-45 minutes of my life. After getting over being personally offended that his home wasn't presentable, I got down to the real issue of this man not having a decent living environment for himself. He seemed so sensible, yet lived in such a way that I could not comprehend. In my eyes, it had nothing to do with money, or decor. This was a matter of how one chooses to live their life when nobody is watching. His home was not only acceptable to him, but also fit to entertain others. Don't get me wrong, I've seen worse. I've heard of those people who live a totally normal life on the outside, and won't invite you in because their home is a mess. But this seems different.

My discomfort must have been obvious. When he noticed that I did not want to take my coat off, or sit my purse down he made a remark that I seemed to be "high maintenance". He said that I seemed like a woman who was spoiled & was used to getting what I wanted. I felt the anger rising in me, but stayed focus on the immediate plan which was to get out of there pronto! Otherwise I would have explained to him that the problem was not me being high maintenance or spoiled. The problem was that he presented himself to be a clean cut man with a lot going for himself, yet chose to live in his own filth. The biggest problem was that he invited me to endure his filth for several very valuable minutes of my life, and although brief, was indeed too long for me. Although I tried to be tactful and still give him the benefit of the doubt, he tried to make me feel like my standards were too high so that I would come down to a level where that environment would be acceptable.

If anything he did just the opposite. He made me appreciate how meticulous my household was at home. He made me long for it every second I was there. I even fantasized for a split second about how it was just there waiting for me to come back & enjoy it. See, it doesn't cost anything to be clean. You can live in the worst environment, and still be neat & tidy within it. Your circumstances don't dictate your quality of life. The clutter and filth that he was enthralled in, had nothing to do with the money he made, the building he was housed in, or his intelligence. It is a conscious choice of standards and quality. He is an able bodied man who could easily have a decent living environment. Nothing that a little elbow grease couldn't fix...It came down to talking the talk and walking the walk-even when nobody is looking.

I know that as women, we make a lot of concessions for our men. Oftentimes, if the shoe was on the other foot, we may not be able to get away with a lot of what we let men slide with. He is obviously used to women not saying anything about that mess he lives in, or maybe they sweep in with their magic broom and clean it for him. It does not matter. Many of us come to the table with our careers, our beauty, our manners, and our best recipes only to be met with garbage. That isn't fair. Yes, we all have issues and that is part of the work that goes into the relationship. But there is much to be said about the way that we approach things in life from the beginning. To me, the most work to be done, is on one's self. This issue was so overwhelming to me, that I had no time to show him anything about me. I had no desire to do so. If this was the way he was going to present himself, hell I didn't even have to wash my face or take a shower let alone apply my make-up or spritz on my fragrance. I could have done the least bit possible, but along with that not being the way we (as women) are groomed, it just isn't how I roll. I have a lot to offer, but it isn't just for anybody. It's for someone who appreciates it, and is striving just like I am, for a good life. And for somebody who has a lot to offer in return. So I chalk that "date" up as experience, but still marvel at the gall that it takes to expect so much, and give so little in return.

Back to Dating Basics

I have a friend who ventured out on a date for the first time in a long time. I was actually surprised when I asked her what she was doing & she responded "getting ready for a date". I congratulated her but she sent a text back saying "I should stay home". I encouraged her to go if only for practice. She took my advice and ventured out.

I called her the next day to ask her how it went and here is how the story goes:
He asked her to pick him up. He lives totally across town, but she did it. Once he got into the car, he wanted to go back across town to the movies. He complained when gas was mentioned, but paid at the pump a whole $10 to put into her SUV! They proceeded to the movies and ended up at a $1 show! She almost fell asleep in the movies except and her son was bored too. She fought the urge to leave him at the movies but as she dropped him off, he asked if she could stop by a fast food restaurant to get him something to eat".

After all of this, all that I could say is that she was right...she should've stayed home. I say this because she would have had a better time, but in all truth I believe it was set up to fail. I realized there were several elements in play that made that date a disaster. And I was left wondering if planning ahead and hearing what someone has in store for you before you go on the date may prevent that awful waste of her time that we often feel after those terrible dates? I think it certainly would have helped in this case. I'm no expert, but I've dated a lot, and I still have my fair share. I've learned to listen for cues and not be shy to ask direct questions about the quality of the date I am going on. Here are some thoughts I had about her date...

#1. It's ok to pick a guy up but he should be forthcoming with the gas money. If he's not, that indicates stinginess & selfishness because he's already requiring you to go out of your way with him giving very little. This was foreshadowing for the $1 movie...

#2. Never go to a movie on the first date. The movies are very intimate. Even if it's staying in & watching movies, I say don't do it. Movies are for established relationships. They are for snuggling and unless you are ready to snuggle with the guy, its a bad idea. Besides that, choosing the movie can cause a knock down drag out fight amongst the strongest of relationships, so it's not a good idea to risk it in the beginning.

#3. I know that many of us have children out here, but we can't take them on the first date. Our children are lovable and certainly should be apart of any serious relationship that we may enter into, but the first date is to see if you even want to be bothered any further with the guy. Why torture the kid too? Besides that, they can distract us from focusing on the guy. I had to wonder if my friend brought her kid so she wouldn't have to focus on her date...

#4. Lastly, if after all of this, he not only doesn't offer you dinner, but wants you to take him to the drive through to satisfy his hunger, you know he is not right. This is a man who is only thinking of himself. He has no tact or consideration. If he did not have the funds to take you on a proper date, he should have stayed home too. He clearly has bigger issues than asking someone on a date and he should know better.

What I find so funny about all of this is that this man ended up calling afterward. He had no indication that the date didn't go so well, and is looking to put my friend through more of the same. Poor baby girl! This leads me to...

#5. After a date like that, you have to laugh about it. Don't be hard on yourself. Just look at the experience and use it to learn about what your likes/dislikes & expectations are. And be honest with yourself because if you really don't like the guy, its unlikely he's going to change your opinion. Besides that, forcing yourself to go is further indication that your heart isn't in it. This certainly calls for a girls night out. Go out & have a good time with your girls! At least your girlfriends will buy you dinner & drinks & dance with you until you pass out laughing because when you really think about it, dating can be really funny.

The Withered Rose in The Bud Vase

I recently had a bouquet of red roses. Roses are my favorite because they are so fragrant. I love how they begin closed & condensed. As the days progress they open and become a fuller, more voluminous spray. Each one different, but all are beautiful. Out of my bouquet, I plucked a single one to put in a bud vase near my bed. It lasted so long, I forgot all about it. The other day, I looked at it, and it sat there in the vase with its head bowed down and a little withered. Other than the bent stem at the base, the rose looked the same as the day I plucked it from its bouquet. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I stood there noticing, the beauty I'd taken for granted and wondered where the time had gone...For some reason, I had it in my head that the rose represented my life. I never wanted to be taken for granted, beauty faded, and head bowed down. Some flowers die and look the same way they did when they were alive. Some flowers age but don't wither. Experience in preservation can help a flower last forever. That is the way I'd like to be.

In life I've noticed so many that have just faded and given up. People I love and respect who just don't have any more fight in them. They don't know how to look on the bright side or find any happiness or joy in life. Oftentimes, I find myself being the voice of reason to some of my friends. Encouraging and motivating I have been called. But really, I don't think I am any different than most. It's all in my perspective. I've seen the sad and sorry side of life. My heart has been broken, and I have felt defeated just like everyone else. I have been so sad that I could not see my way out of it without a prescription, and I've spent days crying and grieving for lost loves.

Experience has taught me how to preserve my happiness. I've learned how to find the joy in life even if it's a joke from a friend, a kiss from my children, or a walk in the park, I treat myself to these inexpensive, but priceless gems as much as possible. I've learned to use these things to pull myself out of the inevitable funks that we all are subject to...those funks that you can't always get out of by yourself. I remind myself of those special "me" moments in order to preserve my optimisim. See, the rose will always die. What matters is the nurturing & care that it gets when it's alive. I felt bad for the rose that I forgot about. I could have dried it & pressed it into a book & kept it forever. I stood there frozen knowing that it may have been too late for the rose in my bud vase, but it reminded me to continue taking good care of me.